10 ways to tell if he's cheating on you!
I've been scared to write this post, worried about the possible repercussions, but honestly I know this will help someone else.
This is my story and another cliche example of why you shouldn't wrong a writer.
Long story short, I dated a man who said he was not living with his wife (hadn't for over 15 months) and was getting a divorce. Come to find out, he'd been living with her the entire six months we dated.
This was a huge blow to my self-esteem; not only had I trusted this person (foolishly), but he didn't feel I was good enough to date monogamously.
The situation, obviously much worse for his wife, was still hard for me--he'd talked about getting married to me and everything!
I wrote about how much this situation hurt, then decided to let it go until one of my best friends found out her boyfriend is married too--and has been their entire relationship!
My friend and I sat down, quite somber, and came up with ideas that might help others be able to spot similar situations whether they're with a guy or girl who is cheating.
Serial cheaters are con-artists and I hope this post will equip you with skills you need to spot them. Please don't take this out of context and go accusing your significant other unjustly, but if you see 5 or more of these signs, you might want to analyze things more closely and get proof before pointing fingers.
So, learn from my mistakes. I'd like to tell you 10 things that should've tipped me off. Here goes:
#1 They'll Make Excuses:
"Did he ever bring you to his house?" I asked my friend.
"Not once," she said. "It was the weirdest thing. He lives in a different part of the state, but if I ever mentioned going to his hometown, he'd say some exciting event was going on at a mutual meeting point. Or he didn't want me driving all the way down there. How about you--that guy you dated--did you ever see his house?"
"Nope. He lived nearby too. It started bugging me so bad I threatened to break up with him if I couldn't see his place--it just made me feel weird, ya know? So he brought his youngest kids over to meet me, introduced me to his brothers at one point, then told me not to worry. Why would he bring his kids over if he was still living with his wife? I didn't find out 'til later, his daughters told my kids that their daddy was just friends with me."
"And his brothers?"
"...his brothers covered for him when I met them."
If you have an issue and the person you're dating comes up with any reason to solve it other than a way that might expose their cheating actions, there may be a bigger problem.
#2 They'll Talk About the Other Person:
"I knew he'd been married before," my friend said. "He'd say the most terrible things about his ex--that's why I was shocked when I found out they were still together."
I nodded because that was my story too.
"Then when he'd say stuff she'd done wrong," she sighed, "it made me want to try harder."
"Like how she never cooked, so you'd cook all the time for him, 'cause you felt bad?" I asked.
"Yes! Or how she'd never wear lingerie. So I bought a bunch and wore them for him."
"Then when you found out they were still together, it makes you wonder if he'd lied about everything, huh?"
"Yep. I hate to admit it, but she didn't seem like the monster I'd heard about."
"I know what you mean," I whispered.
If your guy is talking A LOT about another girl--even if it's bad--this might mean there's more going on than meets the eye.
#3 You'll Catch them Lying:
"Did you ever catch him lying?" I asked.
"I wouldn't say I actually caught him, but looking back he definitely lied to me. At one point someone called me anonymously, saying he was in another relationship. When I told him, he went on and on, trying to cover for the call. Now I know it was all a lie, but even at the time it seemed off."
"I remember the first time the guy I dated lied to me. At first he said he wasn't married. A few days later, we were hanging out with some friends who (by coincidence) knew both of us! After being caught, he said, 'Yeah, I'm married. But we're separated! I told you that. We haven't lived as man and wife for 15 months. I'm practically divorced--it's just a piece of paper.' I turned bright red and said I swore he'd said he wasn't married. His response: Elisa, you have the worst memory on earth."
If you notice someone lying to you about big things, or trying to "cover," it's okay to ask questions until you've worked through the issue and gotten to the bottom of their lying.
#4 They'll Inappropriately Check Other People Out:
"Whenever I'd go to the bathroom, he'd be checking other people out when I came back. Or flirting with the waitresses. Once he asked me if I'd ever have a threesome! Did the guy you dated do that?"
I honestly felt like I could hurl. "No." I shook my head. "Not while we were dating. He asked me after I found out he was married."
"Oh, my gosh! How terrible."
"Yeah. I can't believe he'd even ask that! That's for people who aren't good enough on their own." We both laughed.
"I'm not sure why he didn't check people out," I admitted. "Maybe I was catching onto things...after he wouldn't let me see his house. I think that made him extra careful."
"Even though he didn't do it, it's a good indicator," she said. "That needs to go on the list."
So, for my buddy:
If they're inappropriately checking out or flirting with people in front of you, there might be an issue.
#5 They'll Try to Cover Their Tracks:
"One entire weekend I couldn't get ahold of my boyfriend. I found out recently he'd gone to a funeral with his wife. He drove all the way to my house on the following Monday and brought jewelry. After I met his wife, I told her everything and she said that jewelry was hers!"
My hand immediately covered my mouth and I gasped. "What kind of jewelry?"
"Gorgeous diamond earrings and a necklace," she said.
"Do you really think they were hers?"
"Elisa! You don't think..."
"I shouldn't have said that."
We both stared. Maybe there was something worse than a cheater--losing jewelry!
"Anyway, did you forgive him?"
"Well, he told me his great-aunt AND his phone died. I didn't known he'd gone to the funeral with his wife--so of course I forgave him."
"Dirty jerk!"
"Things like that happened a lot," she said. "He was always apologizing for something."
"Yeah. Same here. The guy I dated used to come to my house early in the morning and bring me things, saying he was sorry. Once he taped a note to my front window, said he missed our date the night before because his tire blew out--couldn't contact me because his phone died. Just lies on top of lies. I bet he spent the night with his wife."
It's one thing if someone has a strange occurrence once or twice, but tons of times...you don't need that stress OR lack of respect.
#6 Serial Cheaters are Con-artists:
"The guy I dated was a con-artist through and through," I told my friend. "He had this way of making me believe things...."
"Like?"
I thought for a minute, then an example came to mind. "Well, he'd done some framing on my basement. He said he couldn't get anyone to help him, so he needed my help. I ended up nailing boards together, holding things up--it was ridiculous, but I thought he really needed my help AND I'd get a discount. It was all a ploy.
A different framer came later and said the guy I'd dated had NO IDEA what he was doing. All sorts of things were framed improperly: There wasn't enough room for hangers in the closets. The pipe wasn't even framed into the wall."
"Wow, he really took advantage of you," she said.
"Yeah AND got paid in full."
Don't blindly trust everyone; that might be your biggest mistake.
#7 Things Don't Add Up:
"Now he said he's filed for divorce. I wonder if she really has and he's trying to salvage what he can with me," my friend said.
"Who knows," I responded. "But HE isn't worth your time--that's for sure. You can find a nice guy who will treat you right."
"I guess so. I hate it though, thinking he's getting divorced now--when I just came to terms with the fact that he's married!" She paused. "I can't remember, but weren't there some weird things about the day you filed for divorce?"
"Yeah. It was probably the worst thing my ex-boyfriend did! Even though he said he was working on a divorce, I guess they'd never really filed. I called him the day I filed and he said, 'No way! My wife filed today too--I bet you saw her.' That was odd, I'd told him, because when I left the court building I saw a beautiful girl with long dark-brown hair and I'd wondered if his wife looked like her. 'Yeah, she does!' he said, acting floored. 'I bet you saw her.' You know what's ridiculous about that?" I asked my friend.
"His wife has platinum blonde hair," my friend blurted. "I've seen her in person. He just said that so you'd believe they filed."
"Exactly and I bought his story, hook, line, and sinker. I should've thought back to that when I saw her picture on Facebook. I should've known he was lying about more than her hair color."
If things don't add up, it's okay to ask. An honest, good person won't mind dispelling your fears.
#8 Ridiculous Accusations:
"I have several friends who are guys. My ex was always accusing me of cheating with them. He even bought me a ring to wear so I could act like I was married," my friend said.
"Did you wear it?"
She hunched in her chair and whispered, "Yeah, in a weird way I thought it was flattering. And maybe he'd want to ask me the big question if he saw me wearing his ring."
Sometimes cheaters like to accuse others of cheating because their own actions make them insecure.
#9 Belittle the Situation or Place the Blame on You:
"Every time I asked if something else was going on, he'd ask if I was on my period!" my friend said.
"What?! How does that apply to anything?"
"He wanted to get my mind off the real issue, that he was cheating and didn't want to get caught."
"Why is it when people cheat, it's always everyone else's fault."
"Because," she thought for a moment, "cheaters are narcissists. It's always about them: their needs, their desires, their wants."
You are important too! Don't let a cheater blame all their problems on you. You're responsible for your own choices and THEY are responsible for theirs.
#10 If There's Another Woman He REALLY is Cheating on You:
My friends actually saw my ex-boyfriend with his wife, but it took me a few days to believe them. He denied it over and over until I lied and said they'd sent me a picture. He finally confessed. I wish I would've believed my friends in the first place; honestly at the time, I didn't want to.
Yes, I've gone to counseling and realized, no matter how many messed up relationships I've had, not everything is my fault. He cheated on his wife--it took me a month to completely face the truth and get away--but honestly, that's his issue NOT mine.
If someone is cheating on you, it's their problem, not yours.
I hope you're not in a situation like this. I hope that if you are, you'll see the signs and get away. I'm not sure if that saying "once a cheater always a cheater" is true, but in my experience, it sure seems to be.
Best of luck,
Elisa
This is my story and another cliche example of why you shouldn't wrong a writer.
Long story short, I dated a man who said he was not living with his wife (hadn't for over 15 months) and was getting a divorce. Come to find out, he'd been living with her the entire six months we dated.
This was a huge blow to my self-esteem; not only had I trusted this person (foolishly), but he didn't feel I was good enough to date monogamously. The situation, obviously much worse for his wife, was still hard for me--he'd talked about getting married to me and everything!
I wrote about how much this situation hurt, then decided to let it go until one of my best friends found out her boyfriend is married too--and has been their entire relationship!
My friend and I sat down, quite somber, and came up with ideas that might help others be able to spot similar situations whether they're with a guy or girl who is cheating.
Serial cheaters are con-artists and I hope this post will equip you with skills you need to spot them. Please don't take this out of context and go accusing your significant other unjustly, but if you see 5 or more of these signs, you might want to analyze things more closely and get proof before pointing fingers.
So, learn from my mistakes. I'd like to tell you 10 things that should've tipped me off. Here goes:
#1 They'll Make Excuses:
"Did he ever bring you to his house?" I asked my friend.
"Not once," she said. "It was the weirdest thing. He lives in a different part of the state, but if I ever mentioned going to his hometown, he'd say some exciting event was going on at a mutual meeting point. Or he didn't want me driving all the way down there. How about you--that guy you dated--did you ever see his house?"
"Nope. He lived nearby too. It started bugging me so bad I threatened to break up with him if I couldn't see his place--it just made me feel weird, ya know? So he brought his youngest kids over to meet me, introduced me to his brothers at one point, then told me not to worry. Why would he bring his kids over if he was still living with his wife? I didn't find out 'til later, his daughters told my kids that their daddy was just friends with me."
"And his brothers?"
"...his brothers covered for him when I met them."
If you have an issue and the person you're dating comes up with any reason to solve it other than a way that might expose their cheating actions, there may be a bigger problem.
#2 They'll Talk About the Other Person:
"I knew he'd been married before," my friend said. "He'd say the most terrible things about his ex--that's why I was shocked when I found out they were still together."
I nodded because that was my story too.
"Then when he'd say stuff she'd done wrong," she sighed, "it made me want to try harder."
"Like how she never cooked, so you'd cook all the time for him, 'cause you felt bad?" I asked.
"Yes! Or how she'd never wear lingerie. So I bought a bunch and wore them for him."
"Then when you found out they were still together, it makes you wonder if he'd lied about everything, huh?"
"Yep. I hate to admit it, but she didn't seem like the monster I'd heard about."
"I know what you mean," I whispered.
If your guy is talking A LOT about another girl--even if it's bad--this might mean there's more going on than meets the eye.
#3 You'll Catch them Lying:
"Did you ever catch him lying?" I asked.
"I wouldn't say I actually caught him, but looking back he definitely lied to me. At one point someone called me anonymously, saying he was in another relationship. When I told him, he went on and on, trying to cover for the call. Now I know it was all a lie, but even at the time it seemed off."
"I remember the first time the guy I dated lied to me. At first he said he wasn't married. A few days later, we were hanging out with some friends who (by coincidence) knew both of us! After being caught, he said, 'Yeah, I'm married. But we're separated! I told you that. We haven't lived as man and wife for 15 months. I'm practically divorced--it's just a piece of paper.' I turned bright red and said I swore he'd said he wasn't married. His response: Elisa, you have the worst memory on earth."
If you notice someone lying to you about big things, or trying to "cover," it's okay to ask questions until you've worked through the issue and gotten to the bottom of their lying. #4 They'll Inappropriately Check Other People Out:
"Whenever I'd go to the bathroom, he'd be checking other people out when I came back. Or flirting with the waitresses. Once he asked me if I'd ever have a threesome! Did the guy you dated do that?"
I honestly felt like I could hurl. "No." I shook my head. "Not while we were dating. He asked me after I found out he was married."
"Oh, my gosh! How terrible."
"Yeah. I can't believe he'd even ask that! That's for people who aren't good enough on their own." We both laughed.
"I'm not sure why he didn't check people out," I admitted. "Maybe I was catching onto things...after he wouldn't let me see his house. I think that made him extra careful."
"Even though he didn't do it, it's a good indicator," she said. "That needs to go on the list."
So, for my buddy:
If they're inappropriately checking out or flirting with people in front of you, there might be an issue.
#5 They'll Try to Cover Their Tracks:
"One entire weekend I couldn't get ahold of my boyfriend. I found out recently he'd gone to a funeral with his wife. He drove all the way to my house on the following Monday and brought jewelry. After I met his wife, I told her everything and she said that jewelry was hers!"
My hand immediately covered my mouth and I gasped. "What kind of jewelry?"
"Gorgeous diamond earrings and a necklace," she said.
"Do you really think they were hers?"
"Elisa! You don't think..."
"I shouldn't have said that."
We both stared. Maybe there was something worse than a cheater--losing jewelry!
"Anyway, did you forgive him?"
"Well, he told me his great-aunt AND his phone died. I didn't known he'd gone to the funeral with his wife--so of course I forgave him."
"Dirty jerk!"
"Things like that happened a lot," she said. "He was always apologizing for something."
"Yeah. Same here. The guy I dated used to come to my house early in the morning and bring me things, saying he was sorry. Once he taped a note to my front window, said he missed our date the night before because his tire blew out--couldn't contact me because his phone died. Just lies on top of lies. I bet he spent the night with his wife."
It's one thing if someone has a strange occurrence once or twice, but tons of times...you don't need that stress OR lack of respect.
#6 Serial Cheaters are Con-artists:
"The guy I dated was a con-artist through and through," I told my friend. "He had this way of making me believe things...."
"Like?"
I thought for a minute, then an example came to mind. "Well, he'd done some framing on my basement. He said he couldn't get anyone to help him, so he needed my help. I ended up nailing boards together, holding things up--it was ridiculous, but I thought he really needed my help AND I'd get a discount. It was all a ploy.
A different framer came later and said the guy I'd dated had NO IDEA what he was doing. All sorts of things were framed improperly: There wasn't enough room for hangers in the closets. The pipe wasn't even framed into the wall."
"Wow, he really took advantage of you," she said.
"Yeah AND got paid in full."
Don't blindly trust everyone; that might be your biggest mistake.
#7 Things Don't Add Up:
"Now he said he's filed for divorce. I wonder if she really has and he's trying to salvage what he can with me," my friend said.
"Who knows," I responded. "But HE isn't worth your time--that's for sure. You can find a nice guy who will treat you right."
"I guess so. I hate it though, thinking he's getting divorced now--when I just came to terms with the fact that he's married!" She paused. "I can't remember, but weren't there some weird things about the day you filed for divorce?"
"Yeah. It was probably the worst thing my ex-boyfriend did! Even though he said he was working on a divorce, I guess they'd never really filed. I called him the day I filed and he said, 'No way! My wife filed today too--I bet you saw her.' That was odd, I'd told him, because when I left the court building I saw a beautiful girl with long dark-brown hair and I'd wondered if his wife looked like her. 'Yeah, she does!' he said, acting floored. 'I bet you saw her.' You know what's ridiculous about that?" I asked my friend.
"His wife has platinum blonde hair," my friend blurted. "I've seen her in person. He just said that so you'd believe they filed."
"Exactly and I bought his story, hook, line, and sinker. I should've thought back to that when I saw her picture on Facebook. I should've known he was lying about more than her hair color."
If things don't add up, it's okay to ask. An honest, good person won't mind dispelling your fears.
#8 Ridiculous Accusations:
"I have several friends who are guys. My ex was always accusing me of cheating with them. He even bought me a ring to wear so I could act like I was married," my friend said.
"Did you wear it?"
She hunched in her chair and whispered, "Yeah, in a weird way I thought it was flattering. And maybe he'd want to ask me the big question if he saw me wearing his ring."
Sometimes cheaters like to accuse others of cheating because their own actions make them insecure.
#9 Belittle the Situation or Place the Blame on You:
"Every time I asked if something else was going on, he'd ask if I was on my period!" my friend said.
"What?! How does that apply to anything?"
"He wanted to get my mind off the real issue, that he was cheating and didn't want to get caught."
"Why is it when people cheat, it's always everyone else's fault."
"Because," she thought for a moment, "cheaters are narcissists. It's always about them: their needs, their desires, their wants."
You are important too! Don't let a cheater blame all their problems on you. You're responsible for your own choices and THEY are responsible for theirs.
#10 If There's Another Woman He REALLY is Cheating on You:
My friends actually saw my ex-boyfriend with his wife, but it took me a few days to believe them. He denied it over and over until I lied and said they'd sent me a picture. He finally confessed. I wish I would've believed my friends in the first place; honestly at the time, I didn't want to.
Yes, I've gone to counseling and realized, no matter how many messed up relationships I've had, not everything is my fault. He cheated on his wife--it took me a month to completely face the truth and get away--but honestly, that's his issue NOT mine.
If someone is cheating on you, it's their problem, not yours.
I hope you're not in a situation like this. I hope that if you are, you'll see the signs and get away. I'm not sure if that saying "once a cheater always a cheater" is true, but in my experience, it sure seems to be.
Best of luck,
Elisa
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