[Perry] Storytime: Brush With the Law

Interlude: Wherein our hero encounters a member of local law enforcement.

More years back than I care to think on, I was a bright-eyed, apple-cheeked youngster, on his way to take his driving exam to get his G license, which is the last regular driver’s license one needs to get.

I failed.

I did fine on the residential, major street, and highway driving portions of the exam.

But?

I flubbed up the parallel parking.

I flubbed up the parallel parking!

I don’t know what happened. I just misjudged the distance and just completely fucked it all up. I didn’t hit anyone, thank god, but I couldn’t get properly parked.

So, I failed.

Then followed a dark time in my life. The young me was intensely frustrated with my failure. I was frustrated with the chunk of money I’d spent on driver’s ed courses, only to FAIL when it mattered.

I snapped at family and friends, my girlfriend at the time left me.

Yeah…all around, I was not the happiest of Perry’s around.

Fast forward two months.

My rescheduled test was fast approaching and I was still fucking up with the parallel parking and even rear parking.

Enter David.

David was a close friend. Our families had been hanging out together since I was very young, and I’ve known this guy going on twenty-five years now.

The day of the test, David offered to come by and give me some pointers on parallel and rear parking. Foolproof pointers was how he put it.

How could I refuse?

We met up about two hours before the test and he ran me through some tricks and references he used to make sure he was lined up properly.

I took the test and passed with flying colors.

Mission success!

I don’t have to tell you that I was elated. I thanked the guy profusely for his help and told him that anywhere he wanted to go that day, any errand he wanted to run, I’d play the role of chauffeur, no problem, no matter what.

So this guy tells me that there’s a big candy store downtown that he’d always wanted to check out…

Candy store? Downtown? NO PROBLEM.

So we made a trip downtown. A nice leisurely drive with the newly passed-his-drivers-test Perry behind the wheel.

It was a lovely day. I can’t remember what season it was, but for the sake of the story? Let’s say it was autumn because there’s a lovely curving ravine path off the highway exit for downtown that’s gorgeous at that time of year.

We hit up the candy store, David bought a chunk of sweets, then we started heading back up north.

We had to turn right, to get back to a major road that linked up to the highway.

At the next intersection I saw, I maneuvered to make a right turn…when I saw the sign.

NO RIGHT TURNS.

Well…shit.

But what was I to do? I was already in position to make the turn. There were no pedestrians in sight to block the way, the cars that had been lined up behind me were sort of swerving to get around me, honking as they continued on their way.

I figured I was doing more harm than good, blocking up the single lane like I was, so I went for it.

BAM! Right turn. No problems. No pedestrians, no one way street.

Free and clear.

…well, except for the cop on a horse that trotted out from the side of the street, holding up his hand imperiously for me to stop.

Yeah.

I got stopped, WHILE DRIVING by a cop on a HORSE.

I want you to seriously stop for a second and picture that. Really picture it.

Me driving, stopped and pulled over at the side of the road. Mr. Police Officer on his mighty steed, clippity-clopping his way to the driver’s side window.

And David.

Idiot, beloved David, DYING of laughter in the passenger seat.

Man…this cop clip clops next to me? Doesn’t even get off his horse.

Doesn’t get off his horse! I had to sort of lean out the window a bit and peer UPWARD at the bastard being all, “Can I help you, officer?”

I got busted, of course.

Told me that I’d made an illegal right turn and that he would be writing me a ticket.

I did explain the circumstances I found myself in that led to me making the turn, but got ticketed anyway, which I suppose was fair.

Looking back on it now, it was fair.

At the time, I was still just…flabbergasted by the fact that of ALL possible things, I’d gotten nailed for my first serious traffic violation by a cop on a horse.

David was telling me the whole time to run the horse over.

eyeroll

The end to the story is pretty anticlimactic.

I dropped off David at his house, told him that I totally regretted playing chauffeur for him that day. He told me I was lying and that I really enjoyed it because now? Now I had a story to tell. The story of the time I got pulled over by a cop on a horse.

Just before we parted ways, David told me not to worry about it. That generally speaking, if you show up to court to fight the ticket, if the cop didn’t show, you could get the ticket thrown out.

Sure enough, when my court date came, that’s exactly what happened.

David came along with me that day too.

And yes…we picked up some candy on the way home.

 

 

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