Bachelor In Paradise Recap, Episode 6: Stalagmites, bae bites, and a douchebag flight!

Welcome back, Bachelor Babies, to Episode 6! 

Our episode opens on the tail-end of last week's rose ceremony/cocktail party (who cares), where Marcus receives a date card (who cares x 2). He and Lacy go on YET ANOTHER CAVE/POOL DATE (seriously, producers! What is your problem? Do you need me to take your jobs? How hard it is to come up with novel date ideas in Mexico?! I could come up with more novel date ideas stuck in a cornfield in Iowa, or a prairie in Kansas. START PLAYING LIKE CHAMPIONS). They basically climb down a hole, where they magically appear again, clad in swimsuits, lifejackets, and head lamps (apparently this is called spelunking), and swim through some seriously questionable water (like, is anyone else not worried that what they're swimming in contains a water dragon or some monstrous water spider that's been left alone in perfect water spider conditions for hundreds of years, enabling it to grow to massive monster size and lie in wait until some stupid singles decide to dive into it's habitat for "fun"? Or, more realistically, that it's been used as a urinal or a body dump for Mexican natives for hundreds of years? Because, I mean...the entrance is A HOLE IN THE GROUND IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE). And then there's bats! Like hundreds and hundreds of bats. Which is cool, because I've never been scared of bats, but it's not cool, because if I were those bats, I'd be seriously pissed that two of the dumbest people in America just woke me up in the middle of my beauty sleep. 

Then, apparently, they stumble onto these magical things called STALAGMITES (not to be confused with STALACTITES, which Lacy also probably couldn't pronounce) that are hanging from the ceiling of the cave, only Lacy The Brain is finding it impossible to pronounce STALAGMITES, even with multiple prompting from the camera guy/producer (whom, for clarity purposes, I'm just going to pretend was Elan). 
Lacy: "What do you call it?" 
Elan: "Stalagmites." 
Lacy: "Staligamites?" 
Elan: "Stalagmites." 
Lacy: "Steegamites?" 
Elan: "STALAGMITES." 
Lacy: "So then we saw all these Stalineegmites..."


This is a stalagmite. Which, coincidentally, also looks like a peen. Then Lacy and Marcus have this boring conversation about how they're both vulnerable and that Lacy doesn't really show her feelings very often, but she'd definitely on the same page as Marcus and is falling in love with him. I just...like...DON'T CARE about these two. Like, AT ALL. I feel like Marcus latched onto Lacy in the beginning because she had big boobs and doe eyes, and Lacy played around with him and Robert in kind of a sketchy way until she realized that she might not want to do that because it could burn her, and now all of a sudden they're falling in love with each other? How do essentially brain dead people fall in love with each other? It's like the classic line from Clueless: "Two learning permits do not equal a license." 

Meanwhile, Michelle is freaking out about Cody - apparently at the last rose ceremony, Cody told Michelle he loves her. So she's going to JESSE for advice about it (uh, bad move, Money). Michelle starts crying, saying that Cody is moving too fast for her. Jesse's like, "Yeah, you know...you should totally break up with him and jump on this stick instead." At least, that's what I imagine he's saying, inside his head, because it's Jesse and he's a total douchebag like that. 

Brooks from The Bachelorette: Des Grew Up Poor is here! One Armed Sarah was JUST FRENCH KISSING Robert (seriously, Sarah, are you still a virgin? Because no one over 15 who doesn't have their hymen still intact says "I was french kissing him"), and now Brooks is here, who she had the biggest crush on...what is a one armed girl to do?! Brooks, for his part, is also drawn to her. Robert, for his part, is all about the cock block - he literally is like, "YO, that one armed bae down there? She's MY one armed bae, so STEP OFF." (okay, so maybe his exact words were: "If you ask Sarah out I'll kill you. She's my bae." which is hilarious and also means that none of us can ever use the word "bae" ever, ever again and still retain our street cred).

And then she starts crying. Because she's feeling anxious. Because all she can think about is Brooks. SERIOUSLY, SARAH, IF YOU DON'T STOP WHINING ABOUT EVERY THING IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE, I'M GOING TO CUT YOUR OTHER ARM OFF. 

In the end, Brooks asks Jackie out for his dinner date. Zack, who was part of the whole "YO STEP OFF MY BAE" convo that Robert and Brooks had, now regrets now doing the same thing when it came to Jackie. Umm, hello men. Let's talk about this thing called "free will" and not "owning" the girl that you like. Maybe let her make her own choices? Just, you know, an evolutionary thought since it is 2014 and women are no longer considered property or cattle or unable to make coherent thoughts or logical decisions for themselves without the help of a man. 

Jackie and Brooks go out on their date, and they're cute together! I personally don't find Brooks all that attractive - especially not since he was, like, in the top running for Des, which means that he might have actually liked her - but he seems funny and genuine and like a straight-up fun guy. 

Meanwhile, Robert asks Sarah to meet him on a beach. Sarah is nervous, because she's planning breaking up with him. Instead, they have this long talk about what will happen when they leave the island, and it all comes to a head when One Armed Sarah shows him that only having one arm is no impediment to giving head. J/K. They just "french" some more, and Sarah tells us that, strangely, the whole thing with Brooks has made her realize that Robert is the one for her. Huh. I don't think I've ever gone in to an interaction fully intending to break up with someone, and leaving it knowing fully that he's the one for me. But. You know. One armed people just do things differently. 

Michelle and Cody sit on the beach by the fire, talking about how Cody needs to chill the fuck out already. I love this scene the most, because Cody just looks at Michelle like, "Yo girl, I got chu. You might be scared right now, and that's okay, but soon enough you'll see that you're truly my bae." (I moonlight as a rapper). Like all totally confident and calm about the fact that he knows that's fast, but that it's meant to be. 

Meanwhile, back in Dumb Girl Land, Christy thinks that Jessee has all the qualities that girl would be SO LUCKY to have in a boyfriend. He is SUCH A GOOD GUY, you guys. Meanwhile, Jesse is sitting in the living room with Michelle and basically tells everyone that he's going to finish his drink and then go back and have sex with Christy. WHT A GOOD GUY, RIGHT. Apparently he also spilled to the other guys that Lacy gave him a hand job (I think - from what I can gather from the bleeps in the conversation and the footage from last week's episodes). Michelle tells Christy about it in a bathroom. Christy is upset, and wants to go home, because there's no one here for her. 

But you know, she's going to leave that in God's hands. 

AND THEN WHADDAYA KNOW, THE SKIES PART, DOVES FLY, AND ANGELS SING (really, but not really - it's another amazing montage by the producers and editors) AS GOD BRINGS TASOS TO THE ISLAND. 

Tasos, you might remember, was on The Bachelorette: Andi Is a Lawyer. He is a delish hipster latino type, and I dig him. He shows up with a date card, and pulls Michelle away to talk to her. There's some hilarious jokes about how, if Tasos tries to ask Michelle out on a date, "We're pretty sure Cody will eat Tasos," Graham says. Michelle, for her part, has already formed a plan, and tells Tasos  that she would love to see him take Christy out on a date, and that he is exactly what a girl like Michelle needs. 

So Tasos asks Christy out on a date, which Jesse, of course, doesn't feel great about. Not because he actually likes her, and not because he actually wants to continue to see her, because he knows that if her and "Taco" make a connection, he'd probably end up going home. What a slime bucket. 

Christy and Tasos are on this really great date on the river - just floating down the water, then having a picnic on a dock - it actually looks really romantic and peaceful. She says that Jesse is half the man that Jesse is. "I hate Jesse." GOOD MORNING. GLAD YOU COULD FINALLY WAKE UP, CHRISTY. 


"The world looks sooo much better with a brain!"Back at the Slut Huts, peeps are playing on the beach. "I mean, I've got, like, the worst arm ever." - at first my friend Jen and I thought that One Armed Sarah said that - HAHAHAHA! - but really it was Jackie, talking to Brooks. Poor Zach is kind of jealous that Jackie is hanging out with Brooks. You know, though, when you play someone (Hi Clare!), you get played...that's probably the biggest karmic lesson of this show. Zack played Clare, and now he's getting played. I can't feel bad for him.

But all is not lost, because whaddya know, Zach's got the date card. Lifetime Original Movie AshLee (OMG you guys I just watched a movie this weekend about this couple who's pregnant and some girl from their high school shows up at their yard sale and then goes missing and the cops think the husband did it because he was having an affair with her and got her pregnant and then murdered her to hide it from the wife, but it turns out the girl was TOTALLY PSYCHO OBSESSED with the husband from high school, so she framed him and then tried to drug the wife so she could steal the baby. IT WAS AWESOME and I could totally AshLee being the girl from high school) wants to express her ungratitude (really, AshLee?) over the fact that Graham still hasn't gotten a second date card. She just wants him to have the best experience possible, you guys. It has NOTHING to do with the fact that SHE wants to go on a date with him so she roofie him and then try to get pregnant with his babies so he has to marry her. Michelle sees right through AshLee, which is hilarious, because then AshLee wants to cheer Michelle for being so kind to her. Talk about sucking up to your crush's best friend, which Michelle totally catches on to, too (as demonstrated from The Best Confessional Eyeroll ever). "From this point on, my eyes are on AshLee like a hawk." 

Jackie and Zack go on a date....TO THE BAT CAVE. Apparently "swimming in a bat cave" is the new "visiting temple ruins" on this show. Brooks feels bummed that Jackie's out with Zack, and we all know where this is going, so I'm not even going to waste my time. 

Cocktail party! Michelle's faux-mohawk is awesome. Jesse is a total sleaze - he can tell that Christy is all in when it comes to "Tasso", which is a drag for him, since all he wants to do is be on a beach and make out with some girls, and he can't have that if Christy doesn't offer him a rose. "I'm not here to leave paradise, because I'm having a lot of fun, and I'm not ready to start a relationship with a dumb blonde, but Christy has a rose and so it's between me and Tacos and so my fate is in her hand."


This is what a douchebag looks like. It's kind of amazing to watch him get played. Even Chris Harrison calls him out when he comes in and make some speech about you might notice that the people still here have come at this experience with a very sincere, genuine place of wanting to create a connection with people. 

But really, Jesse wants to create a connection with people, too - that's what hand jobs are really all about, right? Creating connections. 

Christy and him go off to a table to talk, and Christy is all like, "I'm sorry, I don't know how to say it." Uh, just say "You're a douchebag, and I don't want to be with you", Christy. Jesse tries to manipulate her by telling her that he wishes that there had been more of a connection: "I wish I would have done something to just make you open up, you know? 
"Lucy was open, no?" Christy says. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Good one, Christy. 
Jesse, realizing that he's not going to win, does the thing where he bows out early so he can try to save face by not getting rejected outright at the rose ceremony. He makes this douchebag speech about how he accomplished everything he wanted to accomplish, and then high-tails it to the van. Lacy and Michelle are talking Christy through her emotions about feeling like she wanted to dump Jesse, but that he turned it around like he was dumping her first (I don't really get the gist of this conversation, and I doubt that anyone in America did, either), which basically culminates in Lacy and Michelle telling Christy to go find him and tell him off once and for all. And I want this to happen, too, so I'm literally shouting "GO GIT 'IM! GO GIT 'IIIIIIMMMM!" (my yelling voice sounds like an Appalachian woman's). So Christy waylaids Jesse as he's sitting in the van, and it's basically this big ol' badass show-down of the girls giving it to him, one-by-one...

And not in the way that Jesse has always wanted three girls to give it to him. 

Michelle is a badass - "The way you've spoken about things you've done with the girls here is cowardly, uncool, and disrespectful", and even Lacy shows some balls: "Here's the thing, Jesse. You come here, and you want multiple things with multiple girls, and then you run your mouth off to all the guys, and it's beyond disrespectful." This is the one moment in the entire show that I actually respect Lacy. 

So soon enough, they finish their Girl Power Speeches and Jesse drives off in the van. "I swear that as soon as I get home, I'm going to have sixty emails with names and numbers and invitations to parties and festivals." That's right, friends! Jesse Kovacs: Coming to a cheap Jersey Shore club appearance near you! 

FINALLY the Rose Ceremony begins, and the girls start handing out the roses. Lacy's first, with another boring speech about how she's falling in love with Marcus. Michelle, AshLee and Sarah also give speeches when they hand out their roses (to Graham, Cody, and Robert)...whatever happened to "Will you accept this rose"?! It's simple, to the point, and we don't have to hear gag-inducing speeches about your feelings. Christy gives her rose to Tasos, and the final drama of the show is when Jackie choose Zack, which means Brooks got the cut. Bumma, son. 

THEN, Harrison shows up, which is only good news at the end of the ceremony if he has a globe-trotting destination to announce. Nope - "This was the last rose ceremony here in paradise. No more date cards, no more new arrivals. Everything is about to change in paradise."

DUN DUN DUUUUUNNNNNN. 

So apparently next week is the SHOCKING conclusion of Bachelor In Paradise. WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN, EVERYBODY?! DO I STILL CARE? DO YOU? 

Not really. But we also know that, according to the pre-season previews, there's still a fight that needs to happen, which means it can only happen during the finale, yeah? YAY BACHELOR FIGHTS!