Enough is enough. Pictures of abuse? Keep them out of the media.
I was recently contacted by a magazine on my Facebook fan page, asking if they could do a write-up on my story. I, obviously, said they could because, if you’ve been following my story for any length of time, you know I feel very adamant about building an army against domestic violence. DV needs to stop. It’s an equalizer, able to reach into every demographic. But, most importantly, it’s survivable.
There is life after abuse.
The person who contacted me asked for a picture, so I sent her this:
It’s my usual image for the site and any promotion I do. It’s me, nearly eight years ago, in a semi-serious photo shoot with my best friends (who, at the time, wanted to take up photography). I took these in January, a few weeks after my 24th birthday. And, if you know my story, you know just 11 months later I met my abuser and stayed with him for two years before leaving him on July 27th, 2009.
A year after leaving, I started my blog. It was a way to deal with the repercussions of leaving my abuser. I never realized how hard the aftermath would be. Then, a year after that, I began intense trauma therapy for physical, emotional, verbal, sexual, and financial abuses. This photo became my calling card. It was symbolic of where I was with him, and after him. I was lonely and insecure and unhappy.
It was dark, so was I.
As this journey moved forward and I got the help I needed, my voice reached further. But I’ve never given out a picture of my entire face or of any bruises. So when the person doing the write-up asked me for additional pictures, well, it non-violently struck me.
Why haven’t I given out pictures of my abuse?
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I haven’t because abuse is more than bruises. It’s more than black eyes and fractured noses and swollen upper lips.
Every time I see a picture of a woman in the media who steps forward to display what her abuse ‘looked like’ I know it doesn’t display what it felt like.
Battered pictures don’t show you PTSD.
They don’t show trauma.
They don’t show emptiness, fear or alienation.
And they don’t show the strangling thoughts that murder logic.
Survivors are more than their injuries, and they don’t deserve to be treated as a media campaign in the midst of their nightmare. But they don’t necessarily see it that way. Yet.
And all the media shows is bruises.
It’s time they’re held accountable for the behavior. We are more than our injuries. We felt more then and we still do now. The media’s current, trending contribution to the cause is dangerous, a terrible beginning to a new chapter in the lives of women who survive monsters. As a dear friend of mine and another survivor said it,
Those pictures show something that can heal. The aftermath of abuse will never completely disappear in the way that bruises do.
These pictures make me feel unsafe, even after three years of therapy. They remind me of the darkest places in my heart, the places that never truly die after abuse. I’ve learned to live with them, to accept and understand why they are with me, and I’ve learned to appreciate the way my body and mind try to protect me from entering unsafe situations.
Still, I’m not mad at the women. They’re doing what they feel is best, just as I am here. If I came across their blog or social media page and these images were on them (read: they posted them on their own page, not in an online magazine), I would probably stand alongside them, reminding them they are not alone in their recovery. Sure, it’s not my thing, but who am I to judge an actual survivor experiencing a different stage in their recovery?
If you would have asked me two days after I left him if I knew how bad it was going to get for me, I would have said yes. But I was wrong. I would have given the pictures, too, believing the worst was over. Is it brave? Absolutely. Of the survivor. I think it’s the best they can do in the moment they choose to post them, even though it might be harmful later (when you’re traumatized you can’t see the future). The media, on the other hand, victimized these women, making money and earning readership with shocking images. And then they leave the woman to heal on her own, the images they used a constant reminder of the battle. Because, if the abused person later regretted putting up the images, he/she could erase them and never look back. But she can’t erase Huff Post or Jezebel or Yahoo.
What do these images show people who don’t know abuse like those who have witnessed it? Nothing. They know nothing more than they did before they saw the picture. They don’t realize emotional abuse can be the hardest part to get over. That brainwashing is a thing. And it can be done over months without realizing it, until it’s too late. Or that financial abuse can change the course of someone’s life. One minute a homeowner, the next homeless.
Who is more impacted by these images?
Is it the women, men and children who have survived abuse, or the society who refuses to acknowledge much more than the bruises?
#wewillbeheard
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I’ve shared these campaigns on my Facebook page. Some even in recent months. So as I wrote this post, I went back through my timeline and erased as many as I could, apologizing to the sky for sharing the women I posted. I contributed before I had time to process my own feelings about the campaigns, but I won’t do it again and I’m sorry I did.
The magazine in question apologized for their question, stating they did not want pictures of abuse. They were hoping for other images of me, like the one above. After reading my explanation of why I don’t hand out more pictures (except those I’ve posted here or on social media) they totally understood and continued working on my write up.
