Finders Keepers

Do you think this statistic is based on men or women? If women, then the duration should double for men. Let’s face it, women know where everything is. The men in my family would survive 48 hours without me to seek and find. What am I saying? They can’t survive and hour. I’m often baffled by their blatant inability to spot their noses at the tip of their faces. I say blatant, because I’m convinced their helplessness is a ploy to get my ass up and working for them.

I’ve set a steadfast ground rule. When I’m away, don’t call me until you’ve dialed 911. This eliminates a lot of useless frustration, though not all, because I wouldn’t be surprised if they called emergency services to locate the can-opener. No more dialing my number while I’m at TGIFriday’s enjoying a martini to ask, “Where’s the sugar?” Let’s narrow this down, where do you think the fucking sugar is? Only one, maybe two, options seem viable.

I keep a tidy, fairly organized house. This fact isn’t for them, but to help along my ADD at crucial moments. Everything has a place, within reason. But again, I’m not griping about misplaced or hard to find items. I’m complaining about the haste of men to even look. “Mom, where’s the leftover chili from last night?” I want to respond, “In the dryer,” but I don’t. “In the fridge, on the right side, second shelf from the bottom.” How I know that is another issue on its’ own. Then said son opens the fridge, looks on the left side for a nanosecond, shuts the fridge, and cries out, “It’s not there!”

Insert Valium, take 10 deep breaths.

Yet, the same child could find my secret stash of chocolate blindfolded and with his hands tied behind his back.

Sport equipment, toys, shoes, socks, bathing suits, keys, wallets, sunscreen, homework folders…they’ve all been placed on earth to hide with a need to be found by a woman. You don’t hear me hollering, “Where’s my favorite Spanx when I’m getting ready to go out?” Of course not, because something as important as my favorite Spanx bottoms gets put in the same place after wash and wear. And it’s not in the dryer!