How NOT to Get Published
Publishing is a strange and mysterious business I've previously likened to Calvinball, but for all its wacky weirdness and mental anguish, there are a few things that are commonly recognized warning signals along the pathway to publication. I'm sure you've heard the horror stories, but don't be discouraged! You, yes you, CAN be published -- all it takes is dedication, tenacity, and a sense of humor (even if it's decidedly black-humor. Like French films.)
BUT if you want a hard and fast way to ensure that you make a total fool out of yourself and tank your chances of getting published, well, here's a handy-dandy Guide to Screwing Up Royally:
1) Write, Write, Write and Send! It's so good to get to those magical words "The End" and know that you've spun pure gold. True genius is a divine gift so as soon as you're done, don't muck things up by letting it sit, re-reading it only questions your inspiration! You *know* that it's good so why doubt yourself? And if anyone else's opinion mattered, they wouldn't publish 99% of the crap out there so don't dilly-dally, just send it off to as many publishing houses and literary agencies as you can. Be sure to open with "Dear Sir or Madam," so you can cover all your bases at once.
2) Seize the Day! Good ideas are hard to come by and trends change so fast, who has time to sit and write an entire book first? As long as you've got that killer opening (where the character wakes up in the prologue, remembers everything about the world they're living in, and contemplates their deepest, heartfelt desire and why they don't have it yet while laying abed for twenty pages), you *know* where the rest of the plot is going and a good professional will obviously see it, too. You'll probably be able to finish it by the time the first check comes in, anyway, so send your query ASAP! You can even promise that it will be a finished manuscript with a word count of around 200,000 (approx.) to ease any concerns. Best yet, this will give you time to start each book in the planned twelve-book series and practice your inevitable acceptance speech.
3) Ignore The Blather. You know those helpful bits of information professionals put on their websites or submission pages? Who needs 'em? Certainly, this is put there to weed out the mindless drones who can't think creatively for themselves. Do anything it takes so that *your* piece of genius stands out from the crowd! Perhaps try colored paper with pretty graphics in the margins, purple ink, and doubling the page length for starters. Make it single-spaced in 10-point font to get as much of your work as you can in front of their eyes! (Might want to include a magnifying glass for the occasion.)
4) Bribes Work Wonders! You want to be remembered? Send chocolate, cookies, balloons, potential swag, buttons, postcards, bookmarks, bookplates, joke items, homemade trinkets, character sketches, your kid's art for the cover, a list of potential actors who can star in the movie, or favorite munchy snack mentioned on their blog (to show that you've been paying attention) along with your query or submission. This is best done in summer, when the slow months means these people have got nothing better to do than pry your paper out of a pool of melted chocolate and scrape it off a rubber gag gift. Maximum hilarity makes YOU memorable!
5) Compare Your Work to the BIGGEST Names Out There. Everyone wants to find the next "Harry Potter Meets Twilight"! Or perhaps "Eat, Pray, Love meets Zombies"? Sure, your book is really a thoughtful, thinly-disguised autobiography about a misunderstood but insightful retired school teacher who fights against incredible odds to find their soul's purpose through writing thinly-disguised autobiographies, but it's always important to attract a professional with the thing they value most: another potential blockbuster hit! They'll recognize a winner when you compare it to one.
6) Tell Them How Much Your Kids/Students/Neighbor's Kids/Mom/Grandma/Dog Just LOVE It! Nothing says "world-wide" appeal as much as friends, family members, and innocent children. Their opinions are what matter because these are YOUR potential audience and professionals will respect that. The "Everyman" who happens to be related to you in some way through blood, friendship, or interpersonal obligation certainly has a lot more pull than people who have been reading professionally for years. They're clearly out of touch, having probably no friends, family members, or innocent children of their own. Think "Six Degrees of Separation" and we're all connected. That's what Facebook is for! (Friend all professionals and Poke them often -- they love the attention!)
7) Check In Often. In this age of electronic anonymity, what's missing is the human touch, the personal connection that can only be achieved by calling or dropping by unannounced. Don't be shy! Just pick up that phone and ask to speak to the editor or agent you want to tell them all about you and to introduce the next big thing that's going to make you both millionaires! They'll appreciate your "Can Do" attitude and your unflagging tenacity when you call back daily to see if they've received your stuff, read your stuff, liked your stuff, are sending your contract, can advance you your advance because your mortgage is past due, and beg them not to sign that Restraining Order that has recently appeared in your mailbox.
8) You Stalk Because You Love. Nothing says "You want to publish me" more than seeking out your favorite agents and editors (or, heck, ANY agent or editor) and dropping your manuscript down with a flourish. Be it at an industry conference, walking down the Avenue of the Americas, or Googlemapping their home address -- sticking your unasked-for pile of paper along with your contact information on their desk, car seat, or under the bathroom stall is *just* the sort of thing that screams "I'm a professional and not a crazed lunatic!" (Don't be surprised if actual screaming occurs!)
9) Make Sure That They're Wrong (and Be Sure to Tell The World). Okay, so maybe you got rejected. It could be a mistake! Never assume. Write back (or, best yet, call!) and ask if they're sure they don't want to maybe read it again, or ask what it is about the manuscript or query that they didn't like -- you're willing to change (some) things, after all! And if they aren't being reasonable, you should stand up for your yourself and all your hard work by explaining in no uncertain terms that they'll rue the day they passed on your genius and are obviously blind to what's considered "good" outside their narrow-minded little box! That'll show 'em! In fact, the best way to make sure they get the message, as well as perform an important public service, is to scan their rejection letter and post it online along with scathing commentary, being sure to mention names and bemoan your fate. You never know, maybe they'll reconsider after the backlash.
10) Do It Yourself. Screw the industry! What do they know? A real self-starter grabs the bull by the horns and toots it to boot! There are a million places that will publish your manuscript that claim to be reputable without all the bother about editors or proofreaders that promise to get your book in your hands in no time. (Should you want to have that security blanket feeling, you can pay the perfectly reasonable "reading fee", "processing fee", "consideration fee" or "placement fee" listed on their high-school grade website.) Then YOU can reap all the rewards by hand-selling it to your friends, neighbors, and perfect strangers while raking in the dough without paying a percentage to *anyone*! HAHAHAHA on them! Bookstores, supermarkets, and bulk food stores will only be too happy to stock your book (with minimal misspellings) along with all those other ones sitting on the shelf. In fact, why not leave it as a surprise and scootch a little room on the endcaps, facing out? Instant visibility! Or skip the whole outdated mode of paper production and make a downloable ebook, pop it online, sit back, and let the money pour in $0.99 at a time! Ah, the wonders of the electronic age. Good thing you're savvy!
I know these are only a few handy-dandy tips. I'm sure there are plenty more where that came from, and you can leave them in the comments section for everyone to enjoy!
BUT if you want a hard and fast way to ensure that you make a total fool out of yourself and tank your chances of getting published, well, here's a handy-dandy Guide to Screwing Up Royally:
1) Write, Write, Write and Send! It's so good to get to those magical words "The End" and know that you've spun pure gold. True genius is a divine gift so as soon as you're done, don't muck things up by letting it sit, re-reading it only questions your inspiration! You *know* that it's good so why doubt yourself? And if anyone else's opinion mattered, they wouldn't publish 99% of the crap out there so don't dilly-dally, just send it off to as many publishing houses and literary agencies as you can. Be sure to open with "Dear Sir or Madam," so you can cover all your bases at once.
2) Seize the Day! Good ideas are hard to come by and trends change so fast, who has time to sit and write an entire book first? As long as you've got that killer opening (where the character wakes up in the prologue, remembers everything about the world they're living in, and contemplates their deepest, heartfelt desire and why they don't have it yet while laying abed for twenty pages), you *know* where the rest of the plot is going and a good professional will obviously see it, too. You'll probably be able to finish it by the time the first check comes in, anyway, so send your query ASAP! You can even promise that it will be a finished manuscript with a word count of around 200,000 (approx.) to ease any concerns. Best yet, this will give you time to start each book in the planned twelve-book series and practice your inevitable acceptance speech.
3) Ignore The Blather. You know those helpful bits of information professionals put on their websites or submission pages? Who needs 'em? Certainly, this is put there to weed out the mindless drones who can't think creatively for themselves. Do anything it takes so that *your* piece of genius stands out from the crowd! Perhaps try colored paper with pretty graphics in the margins, purple ink, and doubling the page length for starters. Make it single-spaced in 10-point font to get as much of your work as you can in front of their eyes! (Might want to include a magnifying glass for the occasion.)
4) Bribes Work Wonders! You want to be remembered? Send chocolate, cookies, balloons, potential swag, buttons, postcards, bookmarks, bookplates, joke items, homemade trinkets, character sketches, your kid's art for the cover, a list of potential actors who can star in the movie, or favorite munchy snack mentioned on their blog (to show that you've been paying attention) along with your query or submission. This is best done in summer, when the slow months means these people have got nothing better to do than pry your paper out of a pool of melted chocolate and scrape it off a rubber gag gift. Maximum hilarity makes YOU memorable!
5) Compare Your Work to the BIGGEST Names Out There. Everyone wants to find the next "Harry Potter Meets Twilight"! Or perhaps "Eat, Pray, Love meets Zombies"? Sure, your book is really a thoughtful, thinly-disguised autobiography about a misunderstood but insightful retired school teacher who fights against incredible odds to find their soul's purpose through writing thinly-disguised autobiographies, but it's always important to attract a professional with the thing they value most: another potential blockbuster hit! They'll recognize a winner when you compare it to one.
6) Tell Them How Much Your Kids/Students/Neighbor's Kids/Mom/Grandma/Dog Just LOVE It! Nothing says "world-wide" appeal as much as friends, family members, and innocent children. Their opinions are what matter because these are YOUR potential audience and professionals will respect that. The "Everyman" who happens to be related to you in some way through blood, friendship, or interpersonal obligation certainly has a lot more pull than people who have been reading professionally for years. They're clearly out of touch, having probably no friends, family members, or innocent children of their own. Think "Six Degrees of Separation" and we're all connected. That's what Facebook is for! (Friend all professionals and Poke them often -- they love the attention!)
7) Check In Often. In this age of electronic anonymity, what's missing is the human touch, the personal connection that can only be achieved by calling or dropping by unannounced. Don't be shy! Just pick up that phone and ask to speak to the editor or agent you want to tell them all about you and to introduce the next big thing that's going to make you both millionaires! They'll appreciate your "Can Do" attitude and your unflagging tenacity when you call back daily to see if they've received your stuff, read your stuff, liked your stuff, are sending your contract, can advance you your advance because your mortgage is past due, and beg them not to sign that Restraining Order that has recently appeared in your mailbox.
8) You Stalk Because You Love. Nothing says "You want to publish me" more than seeking out your favorite agents and editors (or, heck, ANY agent or editor) and dropping your manuscript down with a flourish. Be it at an industry conference, walking down the Avenue of the Americas, or Googlemapping their home address -- sticking your unasked-for pile of paper along with your contact information on their desk, car seat, or under the bathroom stall is *just* the sort of thing that screams "I'm a professional and not a crazed lunatic!" (Don't be surprised if actual screaming occurs!)
9) Make Sure That They're Wrong (and Be Sure to Tell The World). Okay, so maybe you got rejected. It could be a mistake! Never assume. Write back (or, best yet, call!) and ask if they're sure they don't want to maybe read it again, or ask what it is about the manuscript or query that they didn't like -- you're willing to change (some) things, after all! And if they aren't being reasonable, you should stand up for your yourself and all your hard work by explaining in no uncertain terms that they'll rue the day they passed on your genius and are obviously blind to what's considered "good" outside their narrow-minded little box! That'll show 'em! In fact, the best way to make sure they get the message, as well as perform an important public service, is to scan their rejection letter and post it online along with scathing commentary, being sure to mention names and bemoan your fate. You never know, maybe they'll reconsider after the backlash.
10) Do It Yourself. Screw the industry! What do they know? A real self-starter grabs the bull by the horns and toots it to boot! There are a million places that will publish your manuscript that claim to be reputable without all the bother about editors or proofreaders that promise to get your book in your hands in no time. (Should you want to have that security blanket feeling, you can pay the perfectly reasonable "reading fee", "processing fee", "consideration fee" or "placement fee" listed on their high-school grade website.) Then YOU can reap all the rewards by hand-selling it to your friends, neighbors, and perfect strangers while raking in the dough without paying a percentage to *anyone*! HAHAHAHA on them! Bookstores, supermarkets, and bulk food stores will only be too happy to stock your book (with minimal misspellings) along with all those other ones sitting on the shelf. In fact, why not leave it as a surprise and scootch a little room on the endcaps, facing out? Instant visibility! Or skip the whole outdated mode of paper production and make a downloable ebook, pop it online, sit back, and let the money pour in $0.99 at a time! Ah, the wonders of the electronic age. Good thing you're savvy!
I know these are only a few handy-dandy tips. I'm sure there are plenty more where that came from, and you can leave them in the comments section for everyone to enjoy!
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