The No Contact Rule Will Not Get Back Your Ex

Question: I've read many of your articles and answers and I think n/c if used properly is way more powerful than you give it credit for. When I broke up with my girlfriend April 13th I went straight n/c for 4 months. No texts, no email, no letters, no phone calls, no asking friends how she was doing, no checking her  Facebook page, no information, no anything. It was very difficult for a while but it got easier with the passing of time. Then out of nowhere she texted me! She wanted to talk and see if we can work things out. This week she again decided she needs to figure out if I am the one for her. I’m letting her do what she wants but I’m going back to n/c.  I’m confident that she'll contact me again. No Contact is hard but I believe it works well. I’m sticking to n/c.



The Love Doctor’s Answer: If you’re talking of No Contact as the fastest way to heal, get over someone, move on, forget about them and find someone new, you're right. Yes, it’s very powerful especially for those people who after breaking up acted “so crazy” that their ex thought they might be clinically insane (and may not want them back anyway), or for extremely needy people who can't resist the urge to contact an ex just to relieve their anxiety.



But if you mean No Contact as a strategy for getting an ex back, NC can lead to delusional thinking and clinging to the false hope of getting back with an ex. Assuming that because you are not contacting someone, that person is spending most of his/her time wondering what you are doing all the time or is missing you and wants to come back sounds more like an ego trip than anything. And while you’re wondering if you will ever hear or even see him/her again your ex might be pissed off that someone who claimed to love him/her so much can just get him/her out of their system so fast.



But just don’t take my word for it. Do a Google search and see how many people actually heard from their ex again after NC, how many of those got their ex back using NC, and how many of those sustained the reunion beyond a few weeks.



Why? Because NC as a strategy for getting an ex back works on the law of scarcity. TAKE IT AWAY AND THEY WANT IT. GIVE IT BACK TO THEM AND THEY WANT IT NO MORE. This is NOT about love. This is about invoking the fear of abandonment in someone who already fears rejection/abandonment. That’s why NC has absolutely NO EFFECT on an ex who is secure/confident in him/herself, one who doesn't want you back anyway or one whom if you do not get in touch with him/her then he/she won't either. NC does NOT bother them the least.



You yourself said you got your ex back using NC but in the same breath admit that you broke up again after a short period of time. Now you're back to NC. Why get back together only to break up and have another nervous breakdown? It doesn't make sense unless one is addicted to high stress and misery. An on-and-off again relationship says, “we have a problem in this relationship and it’s not getting better anytime soon”.



Use NC only for your own emotional health and only if you really need time and space to heal and see things from an outsider’s perspective. Sometimes it’s good to give each other a little space but realize that it’ll not necessarily make the other person want to come back into the relationship. It may even make them realize they’re better off without you. That’s a reality you have to learn to accept.



This is just my humble opinion based on years of experience reuniting couples. But when all is said and done, it’s your life, your decision. You do what you believe is right for you.