What does it take to conjure mystery and rekindle eroticism?

Couples often go wrong by groping for greater closeness, when in fact only separateness and autonomy produce the magic bond they seek. Mystery is often nothing more then a shift in perception, but this takes considerably more than a simple,“Buy sexy lingerie, light candles, open a bottle of wine, and just do it.” The waning of romance is less about the bounds of familiarity and the weight of reality than it is about fear. Eroticism is risky.

Just as fire needs air, so freedom is an essential element of desire. Too often intimacy and closeness turn into surveillance and possessiveness, a sure way to extinguish eroticism. Individuals must have friends of their own and activities they enjoy apart from the relationship, and not limit themselves to a virtual contract of mutually agreeable faces and events. “Cultivate your garden” is a good rule of thumb.

And you can rest assured that not sharing every moment does not mean a lack of closeness. This is easy to forget when we turn to one person today to protect us from our existential aloneness and to serve as a bulwark against the vicissitudes of every day life. WE ask from our partner to give us what an entire village once used to provide.

Languishing desire often results from the very elements we seek to establish in our loving relationships— grounding, predictability and continuity.

Planning can seem prosaic, but in fact it implies intentionality, and intentionality conveys value. When you plan for sex, what you’re really doing is affirming your erotic bond. I’m not saying that you have to plan intercourse. I’m suggesting that you commit yourselves to cultivating an erotic space where anything can happen, and sex often does.

Reconciling the domestic and the erotic is a delicate balancing act that we achieve intermittently at best. It requires knowing your partner while recognizing his persistent mystery; creating security while remaining open to the unknown; cultivating intimacy that respects privacy. Separateness and togetherness alternate in point and counterpoint.

But we tend to be suspicious of premeditated sex. We cherish the belief that hot sex is spontaneous sex, the product of magic and chemistry. Many people bemoan the luscious times when sex used to just happen.

Reconciling the domestic and the erotic is not a problem you solve, but a paradox you manage. Lover and Desire, they relate and they conflict, herein lies the mystery of eroticism.