Ten of the Most Useless Words in the English Language

It is often said that English has more words than any other language, but, as any linguist will tell you, this is a myth. The difficulty comes in counting words. Take ‘run’, for example. A thesaurus supplies lots of different categories of alternatives; run as track (n.), run as outing (n.), sprint (n.), sequence (n.), enclosure (n.), compete (v.), sprint (v.), flow (v.), proceed (v.), manage (v.), operate (v.), move (v.), and continue (v.). So is ‘run’ one word or twelve? Is ‘run’ the same word in ‘you run’ as it is in ‘we run’?

To compound the difficulty of counting words, some languages – Japanese, for example, and Georgian – are agglutinative, which means they allow words to be stuck together in long strings to form unique meanings. We’ve got this to a very limited point in English: for example, is ‘also ran’ (ie, mediocre) two words or one?

Having said all this, I find it quite difficult to shake the feeling that there are just too many words in the English language. To some extent, dictionaries accept this. According to the Oxford Dictionary website, “The Second Edition of the 20-volume OED contains full entries for 171,476 words in current use, and 47,156 obsolete words”. The problem is that novelists and others will keep reaching into the pile of dead-wood when they want to impress their readers – especially writers of literary fiction.

If I could wave a magic wand, I’d extinguish certain words from every English text on the planet. I don’t think anyone would miss them. Here are my top ten, in descending order.

10. Perfervid (adj.) Fervid means ardent or intense. Perfervid means very ardent or intense. Perperfervid means very, very ardent or intense, and so on.

9. Aposiopesis (n.) A sudden breaking off in speech, as though the speaker can’t continue. This is such a common occurrence, I can’t help feeling we need a word for it that sounds much less pretentious.

8. Fulvous (adj.) Means ‘reddish-yellow, tawny’. But how many people, on encountering the word, wouldn’t have to look it up in a dictionary? And wouldn’t have to wait such a long time till they ever encountered it again that they’d have to return to the dictionary? In any case, how many reddish-yellow tawny things are there in the world?

7. Roister (int. v.) Means ‘to revel uproariously’. We hear a lot nowadays about drunken youths coming out of nightclubs at 1am and how the police struggle to contain them. In all the many times I’ve seen such scenes on the news, I’ve never heard anyone describe the problem as one of ‘roistering’.

6. Persiflage (n.) Means ‘light raillery, banter’. As in, Mary: “What are you up to, boys?” Alec: “Hi, Mary. We were just enjoying persiflage”.

5. Caracole (n.) Used of a horse or rider, this word means, ‘a half-turn to the right or left’. I admit, I don’t actually ride, so maybe I’m missing something, but this doesn’t sound a very skilful thing to get your horse to do. I think it should be reserved for getting your horse to, say, perform a somersault, operate heavy machinery, or maybe read a newspaper.

4. Acidulous (adj.) Means ‘somewhat acid’. As in “I never expected R.White’s lemonade to be quite so acidulous. No, no, not ‘assiduous’: ‘acidulous’: it means, ‘somewhat acid’.”

3. Crapulent (adj.) Although this word means, ‘given to, or suffering the effects of, intemperance’, virtually everyone hearing it for the first time probably assumes a completely different meaning. A word therefore best avoided at G8 conferences and the like.

2. Bibulous (adj.) Means ‘addicted to drinking alcoholic liquor’. A subtle insult to most book-lovers everywhere. Most.

1. Laniferous (adj.) Means ‘wool-bearing’. I once saw this word used in a novel. I can’t remember when, or by whom, but I genuinely hope he or she is reading this. You’re an idiot.