ROADKILL

ROMEO AND JULIET It’s the LSF

ROADKILL

Hello you three,

In case any one of you was beginning to feel sympathy for LSF, here is a timely glimpse of her true nature:

LSF: Morning Al!

Me: Afternoon.

LSF: Oh, sorry – afternoon Al!

Me: Oh, okay – good morning then.

LSF: Oh god. You’re in one of those moods again…

LSF: Anyway, I just wanted to catch you before you log off and say thanks for coming in early to cover for Minal.

Me: No problem – but you should know that there have been terrible consequences.

LSF: What do you mean?

Me: :-(

Me: I ran over a bird on the way in.

LSF: Hahahahahahahaha!

Me: :-(

Me: It’s not funny. I’ve never run over an animal before – I’m always really careful…

LSF: So what happened then?

Me: I’m not sure… it was just sitting in the road.

LSF: Were you speeding?

Me: Well, no, but I was accelerating away from a roundabout. I just didn’t see it in time :-(

LSF: Hahahahaha! What a dumbass bird!

Me: It was a pigeon – and it was 5am. It was just sitting there in the road, camouflaged in the grey light of dawn.

Me: :-(

Me: And it looked at me just before I hit it. We both knew it was too late.

LSF: HAHAHAHAHA

Me: It’s not funny! It was awful. I looked in the rear view mirror and there were feathers everywhere…

LSF: Gos Al! Stop!

LSF: Am laughing so hard I’m crying! Can’t even see my keyboard!

Me: IT’S NOT FUNNY!

LSF: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA But it is! You’re a vegetarian!

Me: :-(

Me: You are evil.

Me: And I’m not a vegetarian – I just don’t eat meat unless I am prepared to kill an animal.

LSF: What’s the difference?

Me: Sarah has issues with my vegetarianism after what happened in France.

LSF: Why? What happened in France?

Me: We went to stay with her friends, who live a pretty much self-sufficient life in the middle of nowhere – and it was basically explained that I would either have to eat meat or forage for my own food.

LSF: Is Sarah a vegetarian?

Me: No.

LSF: So what happened?

Me: So I thought: okay – at least they raise and kill their own livestock… and if I am ever going to eat meat again, it seemed right that I should at least bear witness to the entire process… I have always believed that if I eat an animal I should be prepared to kill one… so I helped kill two chickens.

LSF: OMG! You killed 2 chickens?!

Me: No… but I assisted…

Me: He told me that he’d been to one of the local farmers to find out the most humane way to kill a chicken…

LSF: You cut their throats, right?

Me: No, you psycho! That’s a slow and painful death!

LSF: Okay, so what’s the most humane way?

Me: (sad face)

Me: Beating it over the head with a stick, apparently.

LSF: HAHAHAHAHAHA

Me: NOT FUNNY!

LSF: SOOOOOOO FUNNY!!!!!

Me: It was carnage! He just picked the chicken up, smacked the shit out of it with a stick, and handed it to me.