Nine Disturbing Things I Learned From The Transformers Wiki
During a slow work day, I discovered the Transformers Wiki. It’s like an all-you-can-eat buffet of geekdom. However, it has some…disturbing things about our favorite toys that probably are better off not known about. Mostly due to Japanese continuity. Here’s a list of ten of them.
1. Teletran one has loli-girl sisters.
Aka Teletraan 10 and Teletraan 15.
Apparently Optimus Prime wanted some subprocessors to Teletran One, so he made ten and fifteen to help observe the world from the satellite Nana. Why he designed them to be middle school looking students I have no idea. Here’s a pic of fifteen.
Apparently Optimus Prime has a lolita complex. You think this is bad as it is, but it gets worse, because in this same series we find out that…
2. …Wheelie is a pervert.
I…I don’t even…
The comic’s name is Teletraan 15 Go! Go! by the way. I haven’t read all of it, but seeing this I’m not sure I want to risk my childhood memories. Especially when…
3. …Galvatron seems to have been taking lessons from Attack on Titan.
How on earth did he managed to bite her arm off? Why? Is lasers not good enough for him? Apparently she gets better, but yet another big WTF moment here. But this pales in comparison to…
4. Optimus Prime powering up by being kissed by young girls.
Oh, so THAT’s why he made Teletraan 15.
No, this really exists. It’s from a series called Transformers: Kiss Players, and it’s one of the most notorious things that ever happened to the franchise.
Apparently someone had the brilliant idea to combine Transformers with lolicon, and manage to horrify T-fans across the globe. Not surprisingly, this is the same idiot behind the Teletraan comics above, except apparently much worse. No really, much worse. I had dimly heard of it before, but just reading the synopsis is a big WTF in itself. Just…just no. No. The kissing is supposed to have something to do with unicron cells being triggered or something…
Yeah, just no. You know its bad when the wiki compares it to Shadow Star Narutaru and Bludgeoning Angel Dokuro-chan.
5. All those energeon cubes? It’s not because they want to get to Cybertron…
…it’s because they want to make sweet, sweet energeon wine.
Um, yeah.
That is, when they aren’t drinking oilnog at Macadam’s Old Oil House.
Yes, Transformers can get drunk. The wiki has a whole category for drinks. Now don’t you feel a bit safer knowing that.
6. Oh, and when Optimus Prime isn’t being kissed by little girls, he’s prepping for his cameo in My Little Pony.
No seriously, according to no less than Buzz Dixon, he came this close to having a cameo in the original My Little Pony: the Movie.
Funny story about an early draft of the My Little Pony movie: I was asked to punch up the original treatment. Basically this consisted of indicating where various music scenes could go, adding more magic and gee-whiz to otherwise pedestrian talking head scenes, etc. At one point one of the Little Ponies had to go looking for…something or someone, I forget. I suggested she encounter some of the Transformers and Joes in her search, specifically, a scene where she flies up to Shipwreck who is drinking some amber fluid from a bottle.
Shipwreck would just stare at her in bug-eyed disbelief and she’d fly on, then Shipwreck would smash the bottle, take his cap off his head, put his left hand over his heart and raise his right hand in an oath, muttering frantically under his breath. Hasbro said, “Very funny. No.”
7. …or being a bitching speaker system for obsolete electronics.
You know that trailer Prime always drags around? Why not make it useful? The Music Label transformers combined the usual Prime figure with a real, working Ipod dock in his trailer. Seriously.
8. Oh, and meet Bob.
Apparently he is Sunstreaker’s kitty.
I guess Bob got lost from his massive swarm of Insecticon brothers, and Sunstreaker adopted him or something. Look at him. Isn’t he fuzzy? Isn’t IDW comic continuity absolutely insane?
9. THIS.
Apparently they did a manga based on on a lego-like Transformers toy set called Kre-O, and now we know Optimus Prime has to clear his tailpipe every now and then.
So, there you go. Nine reasons why I should now regret my childhood. And you thought Go-bots were bad.
