A Day at the Writer's Spa

 
Who doesn't need a day of relaxation and pampering now and then?  And I say writers need it more than most. The pasty-skinned literary dreamers who stay holed up for days at a time in their dusty garretts, or split level ranches as the case may be, are becoming eyesores amongst the well or better-groomed majority. Writers are in dire need of the magic that only today's aesthetician can provide!

What's an aesthetician you might ask? An aesthetician (I just love writing that- it's like Pilates for my fingers)  is the person who in my mother's day would have been called a beautician. But they're not called that anymore. No. I believe it's because they've given up on achieving beauty in us unwashed masses. Especially in the tougher cases, like mine. No, aestheticians (fingers.tiring. now...) are just shooting for basic aesthetics. So you can walk out of the door, head held high and not offend anyone else's aesthetic. Like a public works building or something. 

So , what kind of services might a writer request at le spa from l'aesthetician you ask?( I have no idea if that word is French but I'll bet they had something to do with it)  Well, surprisingly enough I have thought of some spa treatments for writers.  Here's what I want:

1. A Skin Toughening Treatment- this is for the writer who is devastated by every critique and review, and yet can't. stop. reading. them. I imagine the treatment would involve massive doses of UV radiation, tannic acid and perhaps a sand blaster. You would come out with skin that's  tough as asphalt, yet surprisingly youthful and dewy.  

2. A Butt- in- Chair Intensive Cellulite Wrap- For the dedicated writer who discovers whoa an extra butt is back there when he or she finally arises! For this I'm thinking some kind of exotic Tahitian mud, Saran wrap and those shrinking carnival mirrors for the exit door.

3. Botox in the Industrial Size Syringes- For the furrowed brow of the writer agonizing over whether they will ever figure out what the theme of their novel is. Or if they need a theme. Or what the #@#$ a theme really is anyway.

4. A Soothing Soak in the Sensory Deprivation Chamber- This is for when you need to detach from all electronic communication. The black chamber and silence will do wonders for that nervous tic you've developed after checking your email 400 times a day to see if your agent or editor has contacted you.

So those are my thoughts so far. If you have any suggestions for a writer's spa treatment please let me know in the comments!

Until then.
Aesthetically Yours,

Maurissa