New Takes on Sharing
Lately, I've been reading a few articles that suggest that young children should not be taught to share. While I appreciate the insights and reasoning, as someone who wrote and won an award for writing a book on sharing (Hating Kapatid), I can't completely agree. The articles only go halfway, recognizing that sharing is not a value in itself, but failing to appreciate the benefits of sharing.
I was a middle child, which means I had to do more sharing than my older and younger brother did. The only time my mom did not make me share was when the item my kid brother was crying for was girl stuff. And I have resented being made the default sharer in the family. If I didn't get completely turned off from sharing by this, it was because I naturally liked sharing. I almost always wanted someone to play with me so I was quite happy to share with someone who wanted to join in my game.
What I was not happy with was being MADE to share. That is the part I agree with in these articles. Don't MAKE the child share.
I liked how they did it in my daughter's preschool. When children tried to grab from one another or ask for a turn with something, the teachers just said,"Pwedeng mag-share, diba?" (It's possible to share, isn't it?) They presented the action as a possibility but did not compel the child to perform it. Of course, when I was in the school helping the kids make play dough and my daughter was hogging the wooden spoon, I felt obliged to be a bit pushier. I said, "You got to use it a lot already. Maybe Gabby could have a turn." My inherently stubborn daughter gave up the spoon. Then she started to grab it back after a minute. I suggested they could also mix together or she could do something else. They did mix together for a while until the dough got too stiff.
At home, when my kids grab each other's toys, I use the school's way and say, "You can share." And I add the alternative for the one who seems to be losing, "You could play with something else first." I've also taken away the toys they fight over. At least then they can be unhappy together. :)
There are many ways of sharing and compromising, and I think the mistake parents often make is to provide just one solution. Not only is the child being made to give up something, he is being made to do it your way. Nothing could be less empowering.
It's not about teaching or not teaching sharing. It's about teaching empathy. The approaches suggested in these articles seem to emphasize assertiveness at the expense of caring about others.
No, don't make a child share. Just make him or her see the consequences of not sharing, and the rewards of sharing. Start with how they affect the child then progress towards understanding how others are affected. And at the same time help them learn to value people over things. (Take a few tips from the Eyres' Teaching Children Joy, as I did.)
In short, don't make them share. Make them want to share.
I was a middle child, which means I had to do more sharing than my older and younger brother did. The only time my mom did not make me share was when the item my kid brother was crying for was girl stuff. And I have resented being made the default sharer in the family. If I didn't get completely turned off from sharing by this, it was because I naturally liked sharing. I almost always wanted someone to play with me so I was quite happy to share with someone who wanted to join in my game.
What I was not happy with was being MADE to share. That is the part I agree with in these articles. Don't MAKE the child share.
I liked how they did it in my daughter's preschool. When children tried to grab from one another or ask for a turn with something, the teachers just said,"Pwedeng mag-share, diba?" (It's possible to share, isn't it?) They presented the action as a possibility but did not compel the child to perform it. Of course, when I was in the school helping the kids make play dough and my daughter was hogging the wooden spoon, I felt obliged to be a bit pushier. I said, "You got to use it a lot already. Maybe Gabby could have a turn." My inherently stubborn daughter gave up the spoon. Then she started to grab it back after a minute. I suggested they could also mix together or she could do something else. They did mix together for a while until the dough got too stiff.
At home, when my kids grab each other's toys, I use the school's way and say, "You can share." And I add the alternative for the one who seems to be losing, "You could play with something else first." I've also taken away the toys they fight over. At least then they can be unhappy together. :)
There are many ways of sharing and compromising, and I think the mistake parents often make is to provide just one solution. Not only is the child being made to give up something, he is being made to do it your way. Nothing could be less empowering.
It's not about teaching or not teaching sharing. It's about teaching empathy. The approaches suggested in these articles seem to emphasize assertiveness at the expense of caring about others.
No, don't make a child share. Just make him or her see the consequences of not sharing, and the rewards of sharing. Start with how they affect the child then progress towards understanding how others are affected. And at the same time help them learn to value people over things. (Take a few tips from the Eyres' Teaching Children Joy, as I did.)
In short, don't make them share. Make them want to share.
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