Submitting
This is a hard post for me to write, because though I'm open, I don't often publicly talk in detail about my life.
I sit here sore today and though it kind of sucks it's a wonderful reminder of my night with my husband (my Sir). But the soreness is not the only thing that I feel, I feel a sense of want, protection, love, admiration, and fulfillment. I know that this post is probably going to make a lot of people sneer and a lot of people cheer. (look I rhymed!) I'm not doing this for views or comments, but I am doing this for understanding. When my husband and I entered the BDSM lifestyle, we were unsure and we’re learning together. We found that it fulfilled something for us both a hidden need that we didn't know existed. We found it together, safely, consensually and our relationship has never been better.
I saw an article today, quoting the Bible in order to call BDSM and, well, sexuality a sin. I'm not here to discuss religion and I believe that sex should not be a one night stand kind of deal, but between a committed couple. In today's world it's hard to find someone who is a virgin until they get married, and if they are good for them for sticking with their morals and beliefs, but I don't believe that you're going to hell for having sex before marriage. (Did I mention I was raised Catholic?) I'll be completely honest with you, Sir is the only man I've had sex with and, guess what, it was before marriage. Let me give you a crash corse in BDSM, without going into details of kinks that you may think are perverse and wrong.
A BDSM relationship is a relationship between consenting adults who, through communication, know each other better than any other person. A sub/slave/bottom CHOOSES to submit to the Dom/Master/top. They find fulfillment in that role. The key to a good, solid, BDSM relationship is the same as any: communication and trust.
But BDSM is oppressing your womanly rights! What is so empowering about this type of relationship. He abuses you, he controls you, how could you let him do that to you?
First off: You do realize that subs/slaves/bottoms etc. are not just women right? No? Stop reading fiction and pick up some resources. K? Good. Sir is not 'oppressing' my rights. He's made me a better person because he realizes my weaknesses and has helped me turn them around. I'm not going to get into the feminist argument because I don't agree with a lot of feminist views and that will turn this blog post into a book.
What's so empowering about it? I get to trust my husband completely and him me. It's nice not to have to be able to hide anything from him and know that he doesn't hide from me. It's also nice to let go of control. When I was in the workforce (oh by the way I CHOOSE to be a stay at home mother...*gasp* that's right, I'm a mother too...and no my lifestyle doesn't affect my child nor Sir's parenting abilities. We are raising a well-balanced, independent child.) I had to demand more attention, and work harder than most because I was female. Yep. It was nice to come home and know that I didn't have to work so much harder to prove myself.
He abuses me? Nope, did I mention that when we went into the BDSM lifestyle we communicated and negotiated what we both needed and wanted out of it? Did you know that not all BDSM lifestyles include pain? Or humiliation? Yes? No? Well they don't, that's what you get for assuming. How could I let him do that to me? Any of this? Well again, I choose to submit.
When I was nineteen, I had a problem. I was a workaholic. Don't believe that I could have that problem? I worked a ten hour day once off the clock because I wanted to be at work. I worked three jobs, stayed in a crap job just because I was addicted to feeling busy and feeling useful. If I upset an employee or a boss it ruined my week. You can ask my husband. He had to deal with it then. Late nights, early mornings, volunteering for extra shifts. I had to feel useful. This continued until I was in my early twenties. Now you see, I'm a stay at home mom, an author, a freelancer, a wife, a sub, I wear many hats, but I am no longer trying to fill a hole in me because it's not there. I could not have done it without my Sir, my husband, my love.
I have a list of chores to do every day, and I know if I slack I'll disappoint Sir. It's disappointment that hits me the hardest. I cook dinner, which I had to learn because I couldn't cook to save my life before... I take care of our child. Basically I'm a 50's house wife, and honestly I enjoy it. It makes me feel useful. When it came to job searching for finance reasons the first words out of Sir's mouth were "I know you, you'll want a job that is fulfilling." And yes, he was right. BDSM isn't all about the sex, it's about the relationship. The lifestyle also helped pull me out of my PPD after I had our child, that is another story that could make this a long blog post, but I had felt that I lost my usefulness. He showed me that I hadn't.
In turn, I have helped make him a better person as well. I can't list the changes because that is his story to tell. We have developed as a couple through the nine years we've been together (six of which we've been married)
It's about having the best relationship I can have with my husband. For some it's about just having the best relationship they can have. It is not abuse, it is not evil, it is not against God. It is about love, acceptance, and understanding. Communication and trust. Consenting adults who find a sense of fulfillment in their lifestyle and their relationship.
So next time you open your mouth to judge a lifestyle, founded on religion or not, pick up a book, talk to someone, do your research first. You might just find that if you open your eyes we're not all that different from you. One last thing....
1 Corinthians 13:4–8a
(English Standard Version)
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. (ESV)
This was the bible verse used against BDSM lifestyles, it was one that I was required to memorize in school. I'm not a practicing Catholic anymore for my own reasons, but this is my favorite verse. Let me explain to you how it applies to my lifestyle and my relationship.
Love is patient and Kind: Sir worked with me through a variety of issues and problems through our relationship when many would have ran away. You see one night I got drunk and admitted a lot about my past that I had never planned on telling him (this was before we were in the lifestyle) that night taught me a few things. Open honesty is needed in any relationship and communication is key to understanding each other. My husband did not abandon me when my PPD hit, instead he helped me find a way through the dark times and did not push me or tell me to get over it. If that is not patience or kindness...I don't know what is. He stood with me in my darkest times.
Love does not envy or boast, it is not arrogant or rude.: We are not envious of other lifestylers, poly, monogamous or otherwise, we are not envious of others who have a 'normal' lifestyle, we do not boast that ours is better. Other than a happily married couple, you wouldn't know the difference looking at us. (unless you understood the significance of a collar) We do not think we are better than others and we do not judge other relationships built on love.
It does not insist on its own way: when I memorized this verse it was "It is not selfish" nothing in our relationship is selfish. Nothing in our love is selfish. We build each other up, we hold each other up during hard times. There is nothing selfish about our love or our lifestyle. He helps me fulfill a need and I help him.
It is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.: Do I resent my choices? No. Does he? No. We have such open communication about everything that there is nothing to be resentful about. We are true to each other, we are faithful in every way, yes we have flaws but everyone does.
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.: This last part doesn't really need an explanation, it sums up everything I've said for the verse.
And so my last thought is Love is Love. BDSM is not abuse. It is consensual, trusting, and communicative.
I sit here sore today and though it kind of sucks it's a wonderful reminder of my night with my husband (my Sir). But the soreness is not the only thing that I feel, I feel a sense of want, protection, love, admiration, and fulfillment. I know that this post is probably going to make a lot of people sneer and a lot of people cheer. (look I rhymed!) I'm not doing this for views or comments, but I am doing this for understanding. When my husband and I entered the BDSM lifestyle, we were unsure and we’re learning together. We found that it fulfilled something for us both a hidden need that we didn't know existed. We found it together, safely, consensually and our relationship has never been better.
I saw an article today, quoting the Bible in order to call BDSM and, well, sexuality a sin. I'm not here to discuss religion and I believe that sex should not be a one night stand kind of deal, but between a committed couple. In today's world it's hard to find someone who is a virgin until they get married, and if they are good for them for sticking with their morals and beliefs, but I don't believe that you're going to hell for having sex before marriage. (Did I mention I was raised Catholic?) I'll be completely honest with you, Sir is the only man I've had sex with and, guess what, it was before marriage. Let me give you a crash corse in BDSM, without going into details of kinks that you may think are perverse and wrong.
A BDSM relationship is a relationship between consenting adults who, through communication, know each other better than any other person. A sub/slave/bottom CHOOSES to submit to the Dom/Master/top. They find fulfillment in that role. The key to a good, solid, BDSM relationship is the same as any: communication and trust.
But BDSM is oppressing your womanly rights! What is so empowering about this type of relationship. He abuses you, he controls you, how could you let him do that to you?
First off: You do realize that subs/slaves/bottoms etc. are not just women right? No? Stop reading fiction and pick up some resources. K? Good. Sir is not 'oppressing' my rights. He's made me a better person because he realizes my weaknesses and has helped me turn them around. I'm not going to get into the feminist argument because I don't agree with a lot of feminist views and that will turn this blog post into a book.
What's so empowering about it? I get to trust my husband completely and him me. It's nice not to have to be able to hide anything from him and know that he doesn't hide from me. It's also nice to let go of control. When I was in the workforce (oh by the way I CHOOSE to be a stay at home mother...*gasp* that's right, I'm a mother too...and no my lifestyle doesn't affect my child nor Sir's parenting abilities. We are raising a well-balanced, independent child.) I had to demand more attention, and work harder than most because I was female. Yep. It was nice to come home and know that I didn't have to work so much harder to prove myself.
He abuses me? Nope, did I mention that when we went into the BDSM lifestyle we communicated and negotiated what we both needed and wanted out of it? Did you know that not all BDSM lifestyles include pain? Or humiliation? Yes? No? Well they don't, that's what you get for assuming. How could I let him do that to me? Any of this? Well again, I choose to submit.
When I was nineteen, I had a problem. I was a workaholic. Don't believe that I could have that problem? I worked a ten hour day once off the clock because I wanted to be at work. I worked three jobs, stayed in a crap job just because I was addicted to feeling busy and feeling useful. If I upset an employee or a boss it ruined my week. You can ask my husband. He had to deal with it then. Late nights, early mornings, volunteering for extra shifts. I had to feel useful. This continued until I was in my early twenties. Now you see, I'm a stay at home mom, an author, a freelancer, a wife, a sub, I wear many hats, but I am no longer trying to fill a hole in me because it's not there. I could not have done it without my Sir, my husband, my love.
I have a list of chores to do every day, and I know if I slack I'll disappoint Sir. It's disappointment that hits me the hardest. I cook dinner, which I had to learn because I couldn't cook to save my life before... I take care of our child. Basically I'm a 50's house wife, and honestly I enjoy it. It makes me feel useful. When it came to job searching for finance reasons the first words out of Sir's mouth were "I know you, you'll want a job that is fulfilling." And yes, he was right. BDSM isn't all about the sex, it's about the relationship. The lifestyle also helped pull me out of my PPD after I had our child, that is another story that could make this a long blog post, but I had felt that I lost my usefulness. He showed me that I hadn't.
In turn, I have helped make him a better person as well. I can't list the changes because that is his story to tell. We have developed as a couple through the nine years we've been together (six of which we've been married)
It's about having the best relationship I can have with my husband. For some it's about just having the best relationship they can have. It is not abuse, it is not evil, it is not against God. It is about love, acceptance, and understanding. Communication and trust. Consenting adults who find a sense of fulfillment in their lifestyle and their relationship.
So next time you open your mouth to judge a lifestyle, founded on religion or not, pick up a book, talk to someone, do your research first. You might just find that if you open your eyes we're not all that different from you. One last thing....
1 Corinthians 13:4–8a
(English Standard Version)
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. (ESV)
This was the bible verse used against BDSM lifestyles, it was one that I was required to memorize in school. I'm not a practicing Catholic anymore for my own reasons, but this is my favorite verse. Let me explain to you how it applies to my lifestyle and my relationship.
Love is patient and Kind: Sir worked with me through a variety of issues and problems through our relationship when many would have ran away. You see one night I got drunk and admitted a lot about my past that I had never planned on telling him (this was before we were in the lifestyle) that night taught me a few things. Open honesty is needed in any relationship and communication is key to understanding each other. My husband did not abandon me when my PPD hit, instead he helped me find a way through the dark times and did not push me or tell me to get over it. If that is not patience or kindness...I don't know what is. He stood with me in my darkest times.
Love does not envy or boast, it is not arrogant or rude.: We are not envious of other lifestylers, poly, monogamous or otherwise, we are not envious of others who have a 'normal' lifestyle, we do not boast that ours is better. Other than a happily married couple, you wouldn't know the difference looking at us. (unless you understood the significance of a collar) We do not think we are better than others and we do not judge other relationships built on love.
It does not insist on its own way: when I memorized this verse it was "It is not selfish" nothing in our relationship is selfish. Nothing in our love is selfish. We build each other up, we hold each other up during hard times. There is nothing selfish about our love or our lifestyle. He helps me fulfill a need and I help him.
It is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.: Do I resent my choices? No. Does he? No. We have such open communication about everything that there is nothing to be resentful about. We are true to each other, we are faithful in every way, yes we have flaws but everyone does.
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.: This last part doesn't really need an explanation, it sums up everything I've said for the verse.
And so my last thought is Love is Love. BDSM is not abuse. It is consensual, trusting, and communicative.
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