astrology

I was taught that astrology was for dipshits and there was no coming back from studying it because it would label you a loser for the rest of your life, and anyone with a mind would stay away, not because the truths it revealed would fuck you up, but that you would lose your wits, almost like an L.S.D. casualty. I'm not sure anyone actually said this to me but whenever anyone talked about it in the intellectual world it was with scorn, and in the pop culture world of TV and movies, it was generally made fun of, as a pick up line in bars, reeking of insincerity, but I suppose this is what happens to every topic that makes it to the mainstream. Lord knows, my parents said the same thing about TV when I was growing up, and I'm sure they are saying it about Video Games now, and I'm not sure how to rebut arguments like this, except it's true that TV, or Video Games, take up time that you could spend studying..... astrology! (See how this game goes.) I've been studying the stars for over ten years now, and I still get a pang of insecurity, or guilt, everytime I admit that to someone, but I'm not so sure that's because I'm uncomfortable about it in my heart, or if I'm uncomfortable how people are going to interpret me for being a nitwit, or what buttons I'm going to push, because I never say it as an introduction, or if I do it gets swept under the rug, and then there's time for people to make their own judgements about me, and they don't usually have to do with astrology. I have realized that people have a hard time categorizing me (or anyone), that has several interests that don't join up in their head, but these preconceived notions of what a person is supposed to be are a product of society, and the people voicing them are victims of pre-condtioning in a way they didn't think possible, and not surprisingly these critics are the ones that usually posit themselves as 'aesthetes,' or 'high brow,' because we all know astrology is for 'loons.' Yes, I'm hypersensitive to other people's reactions of me so I turn inward and hide from the world what I really believe knowing that it's just going to upset them too much, and for childhood friends, or family, I get this better, because I didn't study astrology when I knew them, so they have no way to understand me in this context, and I let it go, but to people I didn't grow up with that just put a label on me 'willy-nilly' I have very little respect, because they are only showing their fears when they lambast astrology, or ignorance, and their judgements of me are furthermore ridiculous since they've already put me in a box, liking a certain kind of movie, or style of politics, but movies and politics are only reflections of life, like astrology,a nd I have nothing good to say about these people, either. I guess there is a tradition in human thought to make fun of what you don't know out of fear, but remembering that when you are the victim of prejudice is no easy matter, so I don't tell anyone I study astrology anymore, and this is very sad. I wanted to tell everyone everything I was learning when I first started, more than I wanted to show them my art, but not anymore, now I don't want to show them anything, for fear of their reactions. I realize I'm making myself sound like a 'lightning rod' in this essay, and maybe I am, but that might just be what happens whenever you stand up for something in this life that isn't a popular opinion that fits neatly in a box, or the politics of the day. I don't expect people to study astrology the way I have, because this has become a passion, but like with any passion it's nice to share it with others that are interested, but finding these people is very difficult, nor do I think everyone was meant to study astrology. In fact, very few people are meant to study astrology, just like very few are made to write, and yet we live in a society that has given the people the freedom of expression, so that everyone can say they are an artist, or an astrologer, without much repercussion, save in their own heart, where they know if what they are saying is true or not, but that's assuming everyone has a conscience, and while I'm pretty sure everyone does, that's not to say everyone's is the same. I also realize that time weeds out the poseurs but the downside of living in America, is that they poison the well for everyone.

I'm writing this post because I've recently joined FB and I was wondering how to show this side of myself to my 'friends,' many of whom knew me when I was younger, and not at all interested in astrology, and others that are musicians, or artists, trying to make their way in the world. To be honest, I joined FB to sell a novella that had nothing to do with astrology, and was the last bit of writing I did, before this subject took over my intellectual interests, and changed me in subtle ways that would be hard to explain, or register, kind of like trying to describe what you look like day by day, and how your face changes incrementally over time. I also realize that people bring in a lot of expectations when you say that you're into 'astrology,' let alone an astrologer, and while they also do this to you if you say you're an artist, or a writer, perhaps lifting an eyebrow in dismay, it's a familiar arch of the eyebrow that wonders if you are a poseur more than anything, not an absolute nut. Then you can show them your art and they either like it or they don't, but the game sort of ends there, and they've made their judgement, but astrology is a much harder position to defend, both as a legitimate student, or a phony. Of course, people want to know their future right off the bat, or what they are all about, and if you take the bait as an astrologer you end up saying something that they invariably agree with, or don't, and then you're judged. I'm not sure this was ever the point of astrology and in my studies, I tend to have my best reflections, or most pertinent thoughts, when I'm not feeling pressured at all, and am just lost in a conversation with someone about it, but this is asking an awful lot because astrology is full of rules something like painting, or writing, just don't have, or if they do, we're all familiar with the basic rules, and we don't ask too much about it, but in astrology the rules themselves are esoteric and take practice to learn, like learning scales on the guitar, so before I tell people 'who they are,' or, 'why they exist,' I try to go through the rules and how it's just a study of the seasons, and in that way is no different than poetry. Of course, I wouldn't do this to a skeptic, or someone riding my ass, because I think the only way to even begin to answer such huge and impossible questions that only spiritualists dare to entertain is to become a reflection of the question, not an answer.