Letters to Kel: HOW TO LOSE WRITING CONTESTS

Warning: This is a rant. I'm judging a short writing contest. People have to prove they can write, write well, and they have something to say -- with the prize being a publishing contract.

Want to lose this contest?

1) Ignore proper grammar, spelling, and punctuation. Use no commas, forget the closing quote marks in dialogue, put question marks and exclamation points OUTSIDE the quotes in dialogue.
2) Don't re-read your entry before hitting the "send" button. Don't take any time to look for missing words, errors in spelling and punctuation and grammar. Don't make sure that sentences are complete and that you actually made your point before you ran out of words/space. Expect the judge to read your mind and judge you on what you meant to say, rather than what you actually said.
3) PLEASE USE ALL CAPITALS. Hurt the judge's eyes by writing in all capitals -- the equivalent of shouting.
4) Promise the readers they're going to learn about something -- and then don't deliver. Give the piece a title that has nothing whatsoever to do with the contents of your essay. Start out with a maudlin story about some sad event in your life, and then in the final paragraph quote a Bible verse with nothing to indicate what the verse has to do with the story -- and expect the judge to know what you forgot to say.
5) Waste your word count talking about the book you want to get published, without proving you can write. Talk about your life story, and then in the final paragraph tell the judge you have a novel you want to publish that has nothing to do with your life story. Talk about the ministry you want to have, that you can launch if you get a book published, while proving you have no communication skills whatsoever. Claim God told you to enter the contest. Judges love it when you try to make God a bully so you can win.
6) Ignore the rules of the contest -- word count, deadlines, submission format, etc. If the rules say entries must only be in English, then yes, please, submit your story in a foreign language. Chances are good the judges, who only speak English, will be intimidated and let you win, in fear that you will sue for discrimination.