Theory 48: Never ever say, “At least you have summers off” to a schoolteacher.

Four. More. Days. 
My junior high colleagues and I have four more days of freedom before we report for duty and begin a new school year. Yes, I am complaining. No, I am not ashamed of my whining. It’s no mystery that women love to complain. We are detail-oriented, critical thinkers. Plus, we are the critical do-ers, so grant us our soap boxes from which we must speak, because as soon as we step off those soap boxes we have to mop them. Among women, I believe teachers are the best of the best when it comes to griping. Maybe I could hustle up a griping best practices in-service followed by a how to keep your employees from griping in-service. I can smell the green $$$!

I cannot tell you how many times last winter, as I collapsed after a one hour school-daycare-errands-home commute, I would say, “I am absolutely worn slap out” only to hear Tall Child say, “Well, you’re about to have three months off.”
Really, Tall Child? What kind of new math did you learn back in the day? My last day of school was May 28. My first day back is July 22. Now, I never have been able to read a clock or remember which months have thirty days, but I can promise you I don’t get three months off. Six weeks. That’s it in my district. Sounds eerily like maternity leave…feels like I’m recovering from birthing 230 freshmen. Did I tell you I’m pregnant with 230 more?
Thus, in honor of all the educators out there who must squeeze summer onion-dipped, beer-battered thighs back into their helk-acious school attire, I have made a few lists. Teachers, this bud of a blog by Bug is for you. Perhaps, when a moneyed friend from the corporate world, or a well-wishing housewife, says to you, “At least you have summers off” you can whip this list out and ‘splain to him/her that teachers need summers off to survive. But, be compassionate, because you may see those silver-liners in a cafeteria someday because, no matter how hard some people try in the beginning, they still end up teaching school. Trust me.
THIS Happy Camper...
...is brought to you by THIS happy camper.
Things that WEAR teachers out so that they need (and deserve) summers off: Doing paperwork for the sake of paperworkEvaluations, which require eight page lesson plans when we can accomplish the same thing with a Post-It note.Trying to decipher and accept Common Core StandardsContinuously counting the number of pieces of paper they print out of the printer that breaks all the time (I went 2500 over last school year!)Explaining to dozens of students, dozens of times, “Yes, I got my haircut.”Hearing co-workers’ personal problems. I apologize to all my work buddies in advance, but I have so much to tell you!Bus dutyHall dutyCafeteria duty

Ballgame dutyDance dutyClub advisory dutyLong commutesNeedy co-workersProofreadingCompleting graduate school courseworkWashing the two pair of black slacks every other nightHelping our children with schoolwork after teaching school all dayFrantic phone calls from our children’s schools and daycaresSneaking out of school to take our children to the doctorDaycare diapers, wipes, fees, cooties, papers

Car trouble (all teachers need jumper cables and back-up plans)Packed lunchOne-thousand-word emailsSpotty wireless
Red Hot to the rescue
Being teacher-broke and thus guiltily saying “no” to students who are fundraising to go on mission trips to cure or feed poor children in third world countriesBreaking up fights
Uncomfortable furniture

Papergates (for my NMS buddies)Bladder infectionsFixing our bangs (or is that just me?)Dieting: teachers are always on diets
Answering the question, “Did you get my email?” Menopausal/PMS/ colleagues
Acronyms, like, um,...N.A. (Red Hot Backspace, ask me about this one. Ha!), S.A.D, CCSS, NEA, TEA
Impromptu 45 minute parent-teacher conferences at Wal-MartStaying nice all day and not losing your cool.

What teachers do during their, ahem, looooong summer “breaks”: Feed other people’s animalsWork second jobs (often alongside or serving our students) so we can pay billsGraduate school coursework.Run shuttle services to all kinds of practices.Do the marine crawl under our front doors to avoid baby-sitting other people’s childrenTeach vacation Bible schoolTeach summer schoolGo to graduate schoolGet pap smears, breast exams, dental cleanings, colonoscopies, prostate exams, and vasectomiesHours upon hours of unscheduled, mandatory and voluntary in-serviceAttend professional development conferencesServe in the National Guard

Things teachers dread about the start of school Doing paperwork for the sake of paperwork Being teacher-broke and spending our money on classroom suppliesLearning new software, again, like we do every AugustIn-service meetings that soak up valuable timeObnoxious teachers who won’t shut up during said in-service meetingsNo more Bloody Mary’s at lunchTaking showers every single dayWearing different clothes every single dayConforming to a handbook that has rules insideLearning student names (then learning student names again after Christmas break – same students)Saying the same thing one thousand times per hour per day per week per month.Saying the same thing one thousand times per hour per day per week per month.Saying the same thing one thousand times per hour per day per week per month.Students, the printer name is MCS 211.Students, the printer name is MCS 211.Students, the printer name is MCS 211.Missing our own children
Continuing graduate school coursework as we plan, teach, and gradeMoving to different classroomsFinding out we have to teach brand new contentSitting through student-orientationsA change in scenery

Which view is better? Compare and contrast...







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All that griping aside, I truly believe that teaching is the most important profession in the world because it impacts every other profession. We have (scary) powerful influence in what I think is a noble profession. Think back to the people who inspired you as you grew up. My guess is that if you make a list of the ten people who inspired, encouraged, and loved you throughout your childhood, half or more of those people are teachers.
To end on a positive note (since teachers must model appropriate attitudes toward learning for their students), I jotted a good little list of wonderful aspects of the teaching profession. I mean every single word.
Good things about being a teacher:
1. MY BUDDIES AT SCHOOL

Man of Measure and Red Hot Backspace
Red Hot and Rupaul
Students keeping us youthful and informed
Speedy work daysRewarding interaction with young people


Colorful, dynamic, always changing work daysA calling, a ministryThe privilege of parenting children who need parentingSocializing with interesting, talented, funny co-workers
Faculty: a second familyWorking in a culture of life-long learningKnowing exactly what we are supposed to doOpportunities to be creativeCollaborating with bright professionalsAdvocating for your school communityPlaying a personal role in students’ success stories
Oh, yeah, I almost forgot:Fall breakThanksgiving breakChristmas breakSpring breakSummer break
And the best of the best:
SNOW DAYS!


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It’s your turn, teacher-readers. What do you dread? What do you love?# Post here in a comment or go to Theories: Size 12 on Facebook. Let’s cheer each other onward! Go buy some black britches and peanut butter crackers. It’s a new school year!


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See you next post. Until then, think outside the barn!