Goblin Heroes
Goblins are renown for not being renown for anything. They stay in the shadows most of their lives, avoiding attention from larger and more dangerous races. When goblins do appear in the open, it is part of a group large enough to have a fighting chance against their enemies. Thousands may be present, making it hard for any one goblin to stand out.
But every so often a goblin becomes famous. This can happen by surviving against the odds, doing something that was thought impossible, or more rarely doing something noble. Goblins fight tooth and nail to avoid this fate, or try to pin the credit on someone else, because if they become famous then people will expect them to keep doing incredible things. That’s dangerous, and more importantly it’s hard work. Still, despite their best efforts a few unfortunate goblins have earned a place in history.
Rodnil the Great
Rodnil was born five hundred years ago and was quickly recruited by the warrior guild of goblins. Little is known of his appearance except he favored dark cloaks and had an unnerving smile like he was about to do something stupid (which he was). He was not good with a sword or club, not fast on his feet and not at all brave. Anywhere else these would be considered faults, but this describes all warrior goblins, so Rodnil fit in perfectly.
What Rodnil was good at was sneaking. He was the best spy the goblins ever had, capable of breaking into anyplace in the world. He often found choice targets for goblin pranks, and he spotted and warned his fellow goblins of terrible dangers. He was an expert lock pick and had a master’s eye at finding weak points in defenses. No one could skulk like Rodnil, and he even went across the continent end to end without being seen. So great was his fame that humans would sometimes hire him to infiltrate enemy kingdoms and report back to them.
One fine day Rodnil learned that a heavily defended caravan was coming into his home city of Oppulenca. The caravan was owned by the Archivists, an organization dedicated to recovering secrets and wonders lost in the fall of the ancient Elf Empire. The archivists included some of the finest wizards on Other Place, and their keeps were defended with armed guards, magic traps and thick walls. Once the caravan entered the Archivist keep in the center of the city, it was beyond the reach of thieves, kings and wizards.
It was not beyond the reach of Rodnil. He’d studied the caravan carefully. There were twenty wagons accompanied by ten wizards and a hundred swordsmen. No one guarded something that well unless it was interesting! Rodnil spent the next year observing the Archivist keep and testing its defenses. This was an exceptional act for a goblin, a race with the attention span of a gnat, but Rodnil was determined to learn the secret inside that keep.
Rodnil eventually discovered a flaw in the defenses, namely the sewers. The sewer entrance was narrow and blocked by rust iron bars covered in blades. Most people couldn’t slide in, but Rodnil was thin enough to do so. Cutting through the bars only took a few days, and he had plenty of experience in avoiding the magic traps and wards inside. On a moonless night, Rodnil entered the keep and learned the Archivists’ terrible secret.
The Archivists had discovered the Instant Doom of Kilmith, a forty ton magic super weapon. Its inventors had built it as the ultimate in defense, for if the horrible weapon was ever used it would destroy all of Other Place in a blaze of magic so strong the world itself might be cracked apart. It was overkill enough to keep neighboring warlike states at arm’s length. Oddly enough, the builders of the Instant Doom of Kilmith were not defeated by their enemies but by a mudslide caused by deforesting the high hills around their home.
The terrible weapon remained buried for centuries until the Archivists found it. They dug it up, disassembled it and brought it to their best defended keep. In truth they never intended to use the thing, only study it, but like many people they did not consider the long term consequences of their actions. They didn’t want to use the Instant Doom of Kilmith, but others might and would attack the Archivists to get it.
Rodnil watched in horror from the shadows as the Archivists calmly discussed the weapon’s potential. He was aghast when he heard this thing could destroy the world. That was where he kept all his stuff! He waited until the wizards and guards went to sleep, then moved in to put an end to the threat.
The guards were prepared for an attack from outside, not a thief within, and Rodnil had time alone with the Instant Doom. He tried cutting it, smashing it, chewing it, even peeing on it, all to no avail. In a bitter twist of irony, the thing that could destroy the world was itself indestructible.
Dawn was fast approaching and the wizards would soon return to continue their studies. Rodnil was about to flee and come back later when he gave the Instant Doom one last kick. A part came off! He realized that the part was not broken and could snap back into place, but this was the opening he needed. Rodnil took four important looking parts, including the user manual, and fled the keep. The Archivists learned of the theft within minutes and mounted a determined search for the missing parts. They used guards and bounty hunters and bloodhounds and magic, and they failed. Rodnil escaped as he had so often before.
The Instant Doom of Kilmith was useless without the missing parts, but Rodnil knew he’d earned a partial victory. The Archivists would continue looking for the parts, as might others. If they succeeded the world would be in danger once again. He had to get rid of the parts so no one could get them back. But where could he put them so even wizards couldn’t find them? Even more importantly, the wizards would eventually come looking for him. Could he keep the parts’ location secret if captured?
Rodnil rounded up the three foremost goblins of his day, a difficult task as they all did their best to run away. But Rodnil persevered, and after many long discussions and hefty bribes he obtained their help. He handed one part to Ithim, the strongest goblin, a second part to Chath, the fastest goblin, and the last to Bibil, the best dressed goblin. Retaining the last part for himself, he instructed them to go off and hide the parts where none could find them, and to tell no one where the pieces were.
The four goblins parted ways, returning three years later. They had done as ordered and the world was safe. But it is nearly impossible for a goblin to keep his mouth shut for long, and over the years each one gave clues as to where the parts were. Rodnil said, “I put my part in a place that does not exist.” Ithim said, “I placed my part with a guardian who will never let it go.” Chath said, “ I put my part where it will never stop moving.” Bibil said, ‘I hid my part so well even I don’t know where it is.”
Wherever the parts are, there they remain, for no one has ever found them. The Archivists hold the rest of the Instant Doom of Kilmith, useless for everything except studying (which is what they wanted anyway). As for Rodnil and his fellow goblins, all four drifted off to parts unknown lest an enemy catch them and wring the location of the parts from them. Rodnil was last seen riding off into the sunset on an annoyed musk ox, carrying a king’s crown he’d stolen and vowing to bury it in the first dung heap he found.
But every so often a goblin becomes famous. This can happen by surviving against the odds, doing something that was thought impossible, or more rarely doing something noble. Goblins fight tooth and nail to avoid this fate, or try to pin the credit on someone else, because if they become famous then people will expect them to keep doing incredible things. That’s dangerous, and more importantly it’s hard work. Still, despite their best efforts a few unfortunate goblins have earned a place in history.
Rodnil the Great
Rodnil was born five hundred years ago and was quickly recruited by the warrior guild of goblins. Little is known of his appearance except he favored dark cloaks and had an unnerving smile like he was about to do something stupid (which he was). He was not good with a sword or club, not fast on his feet and not at all brave. Anywhere else these would be considered faults, but this describes all warrior goblins, so Rodnil fit in perfectly.
What Rodnil was good at was sneaking. He was the best spy the goblins ever had, capable of breaking into anyplace in the world. He often found choice targets for goblin pranks, and he spotted and warned his fellow goblins of terrible dangers. He was an expert lock pick and had a master’s eye at finding weak points in defenses. No one could skulk like Rodnil, and he even went across the continent end to end without being seen. So great was his fame that humans would sometimes hire him to infiltrate enemy kingdoms and report back to them.
One fine day Rodnil learned that a heavily defended caravan was coming into his home city of Oppulenca. The caravan was owned by the Archivists, an organization dedicated to recovering secrets and wonders lost in the fall of the ancient Elf Empire. The archivists included some of the finest wizards on Other Place, and their keeps were defended with armed guards, magic traps and thick walls. Once the caravan entered the Archivist keep in the center of the city, it was beyond the reach of thieves, kings and wizards.
It was not beyond the reach of Rodnil. He’d studied the caravan carefully. There were twenty wagons accompanied by ten wizards and a hundred swordsmen. No one guarded something that well unless it was interesting! Rodnil spent the next year observing the Archivist keep and testing its defenses. This was an exceptional act for a goblin, a race with the attention span of a gnat, but Rodnil was determined to learn the secret inside that keep.
Rodnil eventually discovered a flaw in the defenses, namely the sewers. The sewer entrance was narrow and blocked by rust iron bars covered in blades. Most people couldn’t slide in, but Rodnil was thin enough to do so. Cutting through the bars only took a few days, and he had plenty of experience in avoiding the magic traps and wards inside. On a moonless night, Rodnil entered the keep and learned the Archivists’ terrible secret.
The Archivists had discovered the Instant Doom of Kilmith, a forty ton magic super weapon. Its inventors had built it as the ultimate in defense, for if the horrible weapon was ever used it would destroy all of Other Place in a blaze of magic so strong the world itself might be cracked apart. It was overkill enough to keep neighboring warlike states at arm’s length. Oddly enough, the builders of the Instant Doom of Kilmith were not defeated by their enemies but by a mudslide caused by deforesting the high hills around their home.
The terrible weapon remained buried for centuries until the Archivists found it. They dug it up, disassembled it and brought it to their best defended keep. In truth they never intended to use the thing, only study it, but like many people they did not consider the long term consequences of their actions. They didn’t want to use the Instant Doom of Kilmith, but others might and would attack the Archivists to get it.
Rodnil watched in horror from the shadows as the Archivists calmly discussed the weapon’s potential. He was aghast when he heard this thing could destroy the world. That was where he kept all his stuff! He waited until the wizards and guards went to sleep, then moved in to put an end to the threat.
The guards were prepared for an attack from outside, not a thief within, and Rodnil had time alone with the Instant Doom. He tried cutting it, smashing it, chewing it, even peeing on it, all to no avail. In a bitter twist of irony, the thing that could destroy the world was itself indestructible.
Dawn was fast approaching and the wizards would soon return to continue their studies. Rodnil was about to flee and come back later when he gave the Instant Doom one last kick. A part came off! He realized that the part was not broken and could snap back into place, but this was the opening he needed. Rodnil took four important looking parts, including the user manual, and fled the keep. The Archivists learned of the theft within minutes and mounted a determined search for the missing parts. They used guards and bounty hunters and bloodhounds and magic, and they failed. Rodnil escaped as he had so often before.
The Instant Doom of Kilmith was useless without the missing parts, but Rodnil knew he’d earned a partial victory. The Archivists would continue looking for the parts, as might others. If they succeeded the world would be in danger once again. He had to get rid of the parts so no one could get them back. But where could he put them so even wizards couldn’t find them? Even more importantly, the wizards would eventually come looking for him. Could he keep the parts’ location secret if captured?
Rodnil rounded up the three foremost goblins of his day, a difficult task as they all did their best to run away. But Rodnil persevered, and after many long discussions and hefty bribes he obtained their help. He handed one part to Ithim, the strongest goblin, a second part to Chath, the fastest goblin, and the last to Bibil, the best dressed goblin. Retaining the last part for himself, he instructed them to go off and hide the parts where none could find them, and to tell no one where the pieces were.
The four goblins parted ways, returning three years later. They had done as ordered and the world was safe. But it is nearly impossible for a goblin to keep his mouth shut for long, and over the years each one gave clues as to where the parts were. Rodnil said, “I put my part in a place that does not exist.” Ithim said, “I placed my part with a guardian who will never let it go.” Chath said, “ I put my part where it will never stop moving.” Bibil said, ‘I hid my part so well even I don’t know where it is.”
Wherever the parts are, there they remain, for no one has ever found them. The Archivists hold the rest of the Instant Doom of Kilmith, useless for everything except studying (which is what they wanted anyway). As for Rodnil and his fellow goblins, all four drifted off to parts unknown lest an enemy catch them and wring the location of the parts from them. Rodnil was last seen riding off into the sunset on an annoyed musk ox, carrying a king’s crown he’d stolen and vowing to bury it in the first dung heap he found.
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