Settled

I can’t imagine

What it feels like to feel settled

To know that where you are

Is home

I watch other people

Watching their kids

Our kids

At sporting or school events

And I can imagine them

In that same place

Twenty years from now

Doing the same

With their grandchildren

Because their parents

Are right there with them

I don’t know if my kids

Will have kids of their own

Or if they do, where they’ll raise them

But I’m pretty sure

I won’t still be here

When that day comes

The only place I’ve ever felt like I belonged

Was were I grew up

We moved away

When I was 10

But later we moved back there

And I discovered

That feeling of belonging

Of being home

Was specific to when I

Was that child

And it wasn’t going to change

Just because I moved back.

That place was no longer home

No place since has ever felt that way

So now, home is only a faded memory

Of a feeling, of family

Acceptance and innocence

That I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to reproduce again

The closest I’ve ever felt to being home

Being settled

And feeling safe and secure

Was when I was in your arms

But time and distance

And other people

Separate us

So that you feel farther away

Than even my childhood

And I’m getting used to this feeling

Of living life unsettled

Of being slightly off balance

And never truly home

So much so

That I wonder

If this not-quite-right feeling

This unsettledness and the

Unsettled mess of me

Helps keep me on my toes

Keeps me searching

So that I never settle

For things I’ve already done

But instead keep pushing myself

Forward, onward

Looking for somewhere to settle

Somewhere

Or someone

To call home