I Am Not Your Guru

I get periods where it seems as if I’ve finally figured out how this thing called life works. These episodes of feeling in control can last weeks, sometimes even months, but eventually the universe comes along and changes the rules.

It doesn’t matter how intense my feeling of serenity have been, or how long my equanimity has lasted, it only takes a few things going wrong for me to turn into a complete basket case.

I don’t know if there is any human who has managed to completely rise above the bullshit. I know there are plenty who claim to have achieved this, but why should I take their word for it? I do know we can get long periods where they are functioning incredibly well, but I’m just not sure this is ever sustainable.

This feeling of control is always going to be based on some idea about the universe that is inherently flawed because of the limits of the brain’s comprehension ability.

I suspect the reason so many self-development and spiritual gurus end up disgraced is they mistake a temporary reprieve from the storm as a sign of some lasting attainment. I imagine that once you have made public your discovery of the key to happiness, it would be hard to back down and say you were mistaken – “oops, I’ll be returning the donations”. I don’t think most these guru-types ever set out to be deceitful, they just weren’t prepared for the fact that the universe was fucking with them.

The Lies We Tell Ourselves

We use stories to help us make sense of the world, but these artificial constructions can also be the source of most of our suffering. The problem is no story can ever accurately depict reality – in fact, too often the stories in our minds are in conflict with reality. A great example of this would be ‘black and white’ thinking when most things fall into a gray area. Our stories are too often based on the human need for certainty when the one thing we do know about the universe is that nothing is certain.

The story that gets me into most trouble involves the crazy idea that my life is meant to be inspiring for other people. I’m this guy who came close to losing it all due to an alcohol addiction, but managed to turn his life around and begin living his dreams. I’m the guy who got kicked out of school at fifteen, but went on to get a postgraduate qualification in his twenties. I’m the guy who went from homelessness to qualifying as a nurse. I’m the guy who spent the most of his adult life living in horrible bedsits in shitty neighborhoods but now lives beside the beach in a tropical paradise.

I’ve had it tough, but mine is the journey of a hero (the comeback kid), and it is now my job to inspire other people to do the same. That’s the story inside my head, but of course it is all bullshit. There are lots of true facts mixed in there for sure, but it is the way they have been weaved into a story makes them wrong.

Deluding myself with this story wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for the fact it becomes a source of pain. This view of my life creates impossible expectations. It is the story of someone who was lost but now is found, who was sick but now is well, and who was bad but now is good. The reality is I get days when I feel found, and days when I feel lost, I get days when I feel well, and days when I feel sick, I get days when I behave good, and days when I behave badly. Life is like that.

I’m Not Your Guru

I’ve never been one to suffering in silence, but I sometimes feel by sharing the less positive things about my life, I’m letting people down. I’m also harming my chances of becoming some type of recovery guru who is making millions from his books, online courses, and lecture tours.

If I’m not this guy who has gone from being a complete fuck-up to becoming a blissed-out-high-achiever, why would anyone care about anything I say? Shouldn’t I be focusing only on the positive stuff so I can encourage people caught up in addiction to stop?

I will never be a guru because the best I believe we can ever hope for in life is reasonably long stretches of feeling like ‘master of the waves’. This is more than enough, but it is not what most of us are looking for. Instead we devote our lives to searching for the ‘holy grail’ and become easy prey for those who profit off this need for permanent escape. This search may be futile because any sense of the world is going to be based on a story, and these stories are always going to be ultimately bullshit.

Stories can be the source of great happiness, so long as I don’t mistake them for absolute fact. I need to be prepared for the cracks to appear in my narrative,so my arse doesn’t hit the ground too hard when I land. If I become too invested in any of my these stories, I can expect a lot of heavy turbulence in my future.