Making Love Last: Part II

The other day I was interviewing a couple who had had difficulty in their marriage including an affair by one of the individuals. Having four children they wanted to see if they could make their marriage survive and so were trying to learn how to best face this difficult situation. The idea of betrayal was difficult enough, but their knowledge of forgiveness and how to approach that was very limited. After asking a few introductory questions about those two topics I turned the conversation to the kind of husband he had been and the kind or type of wife she had been. They started out by saying something similar to, ” I have been a good wife in some ways,” or “I have done some good things as a husband.” I asked them to give up evaluating themselves and move instead to giving a description of their respective roles. After hearing an example they moved to describing themselves as “fairly kind,” “somewhat impatient,” and etc. I pressed them a bit to give as many of these descriptions as they could think of. Afterward I asked them how they responded when they heard the other person”s account. Each was barely positive and limited in their response. Then I pointed out to them that neither of them had indicated that as a wife or husband they had been “loving,” and had loved the other person well. I asked them how they interpreted that omission. “I didn”t think about it,” he said. She said, ” it didn”t cross my mind.” I know that in their current circumstances they are working just to survive rather than love, but even with that in play they were likely describing what had been going on in their marriage, even prior to the affair. If that is the case they would have difficulty with the tasks of honest remorse and seeking forgiveness and the willingness to forgive. Both of these require high levels of love.

“Is it possible,” I then asked, “that if one of you didn”t think about it and it didn”t cross the other”s mind that you both of you are leaving something out of your marriage?” They nodded their agreement and fell silent.

I was reminded that in my years of being a psychologist I had never seen a case where anyone sought a divorce because they had been loved well or that one had an affair because they felt a great deal of love for their spouse. I also reflected just how easy it is for married people to get involved with the busyness of living and gradually over time remove themselves from the energy and effort online casino it takes to truly love another human being.

While speaking to a group of teen agers I recently asked them if they had ever asked their parents or other leaders to make certain they knew how to love someone. No one raised their hands. I concluded that we might be assuming that skill in loving another person is a naturally learned condition and that everyone will know how to do it well. That, as all know, is simply not true. Nor is it true that in our marriage preparation plans we spend a lot of time focusing on whether we and the person we are choosing to marry have high caliber skills and tools and willingly give, show, and love another with a wide repertoire of different displays.

So now, what do we do. Many of us talk about revitalizing our marriages. Why? Because we feel we have lost something and usually that something is the real and hoped for love we wish to experience. So, I have a suggestion. In addition to making special events special loving events, I propose that you identify several small forms of love including gestures, words, and symbols. (e.g. a gesture is a hand squeeze, words include describing the other person positively, and symbols may be gifts and notes and other forms of recognition). Now, make certain that you put at least one of these in every situation you share with the person you wish to be successful at loving. This includes driving in the car, walking into the same room as the other, a quiet moment in the evening, and many other practical situations. Do this without a lot of fanfare and persist for several days. Watch and see if your feelings improve and whether the other person seems to notice what you are doing. Then, follow this up by telling your partner about a time when he or she was successful in making you feel loved. Do not point out that you have doing this and wonder why your partner has not reciprocated. If you do that you will turn a potential loving path into something less. Just continue.

You can make love last if you make it a part of many different situations and by reminding yourself and your partner when success was achieved. Fill you mind with it and fill your heart. The opposite is easy to achieve and it is lonely.