Dead. Definitely dead.

Death is a topic that makes people uncomfortable. They don’t know how to say it, and they just don’t want to talk about it.

One of my favorite comedy bits is the classic Monty Python Dead Parrot Sketch. In its many variations, a customer tries to convince a pet store owner that the parrot he’s been sold is dead.

When the shopkeeper makes excuses, the frustrated customer insists (with every euphemism imaginable) that the parrot is dead. Paraphrased, his rant goes something like this:

“Dead. Definitely deceased. Bleeding demised. Passed on. No more. Ceased to be. Expired and gone to meet its maker. Late. Stiff. Bereft of life. Resting in peace. Pushing up the daisies. Rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is an ex-parrot!”

Euphemisms for dead occur on news reports of tragic events—accidents, disasters, murders—any event in which life is lost. One of the most common is deceased. The word deceased is just dead with four extra letters. It’s like utilize instead of use. Deceased sounds most appropriate when it’s describing provisions of a will. The Deceased is the person who has bequeathed something to the Beneficiaries.

But law enforcement personnel, interviewed on camera at the scene of a homicide, rarely use the word dead. They are more likely to describe the situation like this:

“Officers entered the residence at 2:13 p.m. and found two Caucasian males in their early twenties who were deceased…”

I understand that cop-speak requires a standard vocabulary for legal reasons. Police officers can’t call a perpetrator a scumbag, even if they know he did it. They have to refer to him as a suspect or—this is hilarious—sometimes even a gentleman:

“The entire family is deceased. We found this gentleman standing over them, covered in blood, screaming obscenities at police, and waving a large machete…” (does that sound like the behavior of a gentleman?)

Civilian witnesses and news reporters sometimes try to mimic the manner of police when they’re asked about a tragic event. Another term they like to use is passed away.

“Yeah, we heard gunshots and then we just found him here, passed away, on the sidewalk…”

Passed away seems more fitting for a quiet end to a long illness in a hospital than violent murder on the street.

If dead sounds too blunt, how about these alternatives?

Seven people did not survive the crash.

First responders found him, lifeless, on the floor.

All three succumbed to their injuries.

A 32-year-old woman, the victim of an apparent homicide…

Attempts to revive him failed.

The storm has claimed 27 lives.

Three people were fatally wounded.

He lost his life while trying to save his friend.

But enough with the deceased and passed away. This is sufficient. End of discussion. I’m over it. Enough already. Subject is exhausted. My two cents. No more to say. I have spoken. It is over. We’re done here. Finito. This is an ex-topic!