[Perry] What Jogging Taught Me

Alternative title: The Terrifying Things About Running Nobody Told Me

So I started jogging regularly recently, about a month and a half ago.

This sudden burst of fitness was spurred by a catastrophic event.

The Origin Story

So I was sitting at my desk one night a while ago when I realized that there was a strange pressure against my waist.

So naturally, I looked down, right?

Big mistake.

I discovered, to my absolute horror, that for the very first time in my life? My tummy was protruding juuuuust slightly over my belt buckle.

I know, I know. Just a tiny bit too graphic a horror for so early in the morning, right?

I fully agree, but I need you to be shocked so that you can really understand the mental transformation that followed.

I was always that skinny guy that people hated, you know? The guy who can eat, and eat, and eat whatever the hell he wants and never gain any weight. I never exercised regularly, and to be honest, most of my activities were fairly sedentary.

But it had never been a problem before…till now.

I just had this sudden mental image of me at forty with a pot belly, you know? And it was awful. I couldn’t let that happen. No way, no how.

I realize now that it was pretty much just vapors and megrims. The Incident (yes, it totally deserves to be capitalized) likely was just a combination of being right after dinner and the horrible way I was slouched down in my seat, but still. The spur had been set and I was on my way to discovering the many hazards of jogging.

Preparation

I picked up a couple pairs of nice and comfy running shorts that were on sale.

I was initially just going to go at it (remember, I was horrified at the time) in whatever pairs of shorts I had around the house (mainly of the cargo shorts variety), but my cousin convinced me otherwise.

Hence, running shorts.

My current running shoes weren’t exactly perfect for the role, but they weren’t all that bad either, so not much prep needed there.

Oh, and I also picked up a little stopwatch.

My cousin told me to just use my phone and save the money, but the idea of just carrying around a heavy smartphone for use as a stopwatch while I ran? Not of the good.

Also, I was ready to just run, willy nilly until I threw up or collapsed, but wiser heads prevailed and pressed upon me a running plan to follow for people who’d been sedentary all their lives, like me.

Initial Impressions

So when I started with the first exercise?

Piece of cake, right?

60 seconds of jogging and then 90 seconds of walking to recover? Alternate that? No sweat. No problem.

Yeah…I’m a little ashamed to admit that it was hard at first.

Yes, I was THAT out of shape.

There was this article I’d glanced over just a little before this, about how ‘skinny fat’ people were more at risk of health related troubles than ‘fat fat’ people. Primarily, it was because ‘skinny fat’ people were building up clogged arteries and other similar concerns without the obvious physical signs. So they think they’re okay and healthy…but they’re not. They’re not healthy at all.

They’re just skinny.

That was me.

And boy howdy, did that first week of trying to follow the exercises ever prove that point to me HARD.

But I persevered through that first week. Despite some negative encouragement from people I thought would be happy I was making some kind of effort, despite some joint pains, and despite some other hazards, I kept at it.

Here is some wisdom I’d like to impart to you.

Unexpected Running Hazards

Exhibit A – Geese

Have you ever run in an area populated by these motherfuckers?

Because my preferred path takes me behind a tennis court and around a soccer and baseball field. From there, I cross down into this forested area, complete with a couple bridges over small rivers and other idyllic crap along those lines.

But geese.

Geese everywhere.

When I first started, I never saw the geese themselves, just the green tubes of their poop littered around here and there.

Not too much concern, right? I mean, I take off my glasses when I go for my runs and I don’t wear contacts so my vision’s a bit blurry, but it’s good enough to avoid the goose poo.

Recently?

Geese have been wandering around the trail when I go for my runs some mornings and man…are they ever mean.

The adults will fucking hiss at you and flap their wings a bit and chase you a few steps if you go anywhere near their little kiddies.

The urge to kick that silly goose’s head clean off was overpowering.

Who the hell did it think it was dealing with here?!

But?

Wisdom prevailed. I was suddenly struck by a flash of memory from my days playing The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past where if you harass a chicken too many times, MANY chickens will converge on you and peck you to death for the insult you’ve provided them.

So I avoided the geese, often taking a little curvy detour onto the grassy areas next to the path.

Let it never be said that video games hadn’t taught me valuable, life-saving lessons as I grew up.

Exhibit B – Gnats

…Or are they called midges? Some sort of small, teeny tiny sort of fly. They hover and swirl around in little groups in the air and they seem to be drawn to the smell of sweat because they’re gorramn everywhere when I go running.

And?

They taste awful.

It’s hard not to breathe through your mouth when jogging, especially if you get as out of breath as I do and those things just swoop in like an airplane coming in for a landing, leading to an extended sequence of hacking and spitting to make sure the little bastard doesn’t go down your gullet.

This?

This is a hazard, let no one tell you otherwise.

Exhibit C – Saliva

I have accidentally inhaled saliva down the wrong way on no less than four occasions since I started this horrendous idea of regular jogging.

Saliva is dangerous, even in its natural environment in your mouth.

Be alert. Arrive alive.

Exhibit D – Old Chinese Men Playing Music

This is not exactly a hazard, but it’s worth mentioning.

There’s a little viewing/seating area on my running path that circles around a large pond.

When I go for my Sunday runs, generally speaking, I tend to go pretty early in the morning, between 6:30-8AM.

When I go early? There’s this old chinese man who sits at that area and practices various instruments.

One morning, it was those old time-y panpipe kind of things and he was playing something that sounded like it belonged in a period piece asian drama in the country side by the empire or whatever.

Another time? Flute.

Another morning? One of them single stringed instrument thingies.

It was pretty interesting and I was more than half tempted to stop for a while and take a rest to enjoy the music.

One Serious Warning

If your body isn’t conditioned or ready for this type of exercise, there’s a very real chance you’ll inflict some serious injury to yourself.

I was having a problem where after the first three weeks, my right knee was starting to feel a bit tweaked.

At first I thought it was normal aches and pains of a body protesting the sudden exercise, but when it persisted, I grew concerned enough to ask a couple friends, one or two that also jogged regularly, and one who worked as a physiotherapist.

They recommended that I change the way my feet impact the ground, to spread out the point of impact a little bit and place less pressure on one specific spot.

I followed their instructions and after about a week, the twinge in my right knee faded away and I felt much more comfortable after that.

Just keep in mind that joint pains can be very dangerous and lead to long term problems down the line, so don’t brush them off!

But…I am actually enjoying the regular running. Getting out a little more, taking in some fresh air, even if it is at the cost of burning muscles and exhaustion.

Any other runners out there? Or prospective runners? Any thoughts to share or questions you were curious about?

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