Meanest comments of the year

Occasionally, while on tour, I find myself saying mean things to audience members. 

I know.  Probably not a good idea, but sometimes I can't help it.

My two meanest comments from this year:

Mean Comment #1

While speaking to an 82-year old woman, she informed me that she had a great story to tell, and that "one of these days, I'll get around to writing it."

"One of these days?" I asked.  "Why not today?"

"I'm not ready yet," she explained.

"I don't mean to offend you, but you're...