An Introduction to “Featherstone”

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“Featherstone” by Vincent Truman

Location: Dr. Featherstone’s office.  

A doctorate certificate hangs on the wall, as does a series of drawings depicting violent acts of nature.

Dr. Featherstone, an Englishman, sits behind a large desk, surveying the couple sitting before him.  He looks dapper but unkempt.  Grey stubble outlines his chin.  A mop of grey hair appears to have had several run-ins with a brush, but remains victorious against design or part.

Thomas and Jayne Philpott, both American, sit attentively, although they are literally the picture of unhappiness: arms crossed, legs crossed and pointed away from each other, no eye contact.

 

FEATHERSTONE

So you two are married then?

JAYNE

Yes, that’s right.  Five years.

FEATHERSTONE

My condolences.

There are basically two kinds of people who come to marriage counseling:

those that want to repair their relationship and those that use counseling as a

justification to end it. Unfortunately, there’s usually one of each

in every couple, which takes up a considerable amount of my time.

Anyway, congratulations on taking that first step in realizing you probably

married the wrong fucking person to begin with. Good morning.

JAYNE

(irritated)

Excuse me…

FEATHERSTONE

Yes, Wife?

JAYNE

Jayne. It’s Jayne.

(pause)

Don’t you have our names? I’m Jayne Krazen.

This is my husband, Thomas Philpott.

Featherstone doesn’t answer. Or blink. Or move. 

JAYNE

This is my husband’s and my first time doing something like this and

I’m a little, you know, trepidatious. So could you not use language

like that?

 FEATHERSTONE

Like what?

 JAYNE

The profanity. It’s not really necessary.

 FEATHERSTONE

So you’re saying the words I choose impact your marriage?

 JAYNE

No, of course not.

 THOMAS

She’s not saying that.

 JAYNE

(curtly, to Thomas)

I can speak for myself.

FEATHERSTONE

(nods agreeably)

Ah. So you’re simply trying to control how I talk, are ya?

JAYNE

No, but –

 FEATHERSTONE

No, but ‘don’t use certain words.’

‘Don’t use certain words but I’m not trying to control how you talk.’

Sounds funny, that. Still, all relationships are

based on compromise, so all right.

I’ll tell you what, love. I won’t use ‘language like that’

if you don’t use any… let’s see now… verbs. Not that I’m trying to control how

you talk or anything. But, you know, no verbs.

Ix-nay on the erb-vays.

Now we’re working on a level playing field.

 JAYNE

You’re twisting what I said.

 FEATHERSTONE

Oh!

(makes buzzing noise like on a gameshow)

‘Twist’ is a verb. Negotiations break down.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

JAYNE

Are you finished?

FEATHERSTONE

Fuck.

“Featherstone (An Appointment In One Act)”

(c) 2014 Vincent Truman

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