BRAZIL - THE PLAYER WHO ATE HIMSELF

What's to be done with Luis Alberto Suárez Díaz?


"Who he?" you may well ask - if you're a hermit, that is.
The answer is: nobody really, just a soccer player. He  happens to be very good at scoring goals, and so is presently retained by Liverpool Football Club as one of their most prestigious and best-paid representatives. The problem is, he likes to bite other players.
Yes, I did say "bite" - when things get on top of him periodically he sinks his fangs into whomsoever happens to be close to him at that moment. He's done this several times, most recently in a 2014 World Cup game aganst Italy, when he fastened onto the shoulder of defender, Giorgio Chiellini.
Frighteningly, Senor Luis is blessed with immense incisors, two gleaming tombstones, sharp-edged and capable of cutting through rhino skin. He employs them to devastating effect, mostly to cut short his otherwise promising career.
Of course, one can't help thinking that if he did this sort of thing in the local park he'd be locked up in chokey for it. That he did so on television, in front of millions of schoolchildren, has persuaded FIFA, the sport's cowardly, corrupt and increasingly ludicrous governing body, to allow him to keep his liberty. Good call, eh?
Having embarrassed Liverpool and Uruguay, Suárez is now likely to be offered the chance to embarrass noble Barcelona F.C. Certain commentators are suggesting that in that case the deadly weapons should either be filed-down, or he be obliged in future to wear a muzzle of some sort.
The last word on this unseemly charade must go to those other Merseysiders, the supporters of Everton Football Club, who are renowned for having a way with words. They habitually refer to Liverpool's nibbling dribbler as "the buck-toothed cannibal."

So it goes.