Depressed? It’s ok to hide it sometimes….but you can still have a good time.

I know, it’s darn hard to hide depression sometimes- but you have to learn to do it. Here’s a journal entry from a few years ago.

I am in Michigan visiting my dad. My nephew is here. I’ve had a wonderful time in many ways. Unfortunately, yesterday was not so wonderful depression wise as I was down for most of the day.  In the past, that would have affected my behavior- which means I would be a downer for the people around me.

I don’t allow that any more. I was able to function- have some fun- eat a great meal- play dominoes with my dad and nephew- even when the thoughts were raging. I just have to let them sit there in the background like the demons they are. I hate this illness so much, but I’ve learned that I don’t have to feel good in order to have a good time. I acted like I was ok- and now I have a good memory of our time hanging out instead of the feeling of loss I would have had if I had acted depressed.

Depression is selfish- it wants to be the center of attention. That is our reality. I get jealous when I see others who have lives free of depression.  I wish- with all of my heart that I could be like them. I’m not- that’s for sure- but I can act like them when needed. It helps me feel a lot better as well.

Julie

I just received this comment from April:

When I first start feeling bad, I really try to fight it and I try to put on a bright smile on my face and maintain a positive attitude, while saving the crying spells for the car. Now, I go to the psychiatrist for a med change or adjustment. If I keep hiding behind smiles while depression takes over I get severely suicidal and end up in hospitaL. This is something I am trying to avoid. As I get older,the depression gets worse and worse. Be sureeyou get help right away. I am so sick and tired of this disease.

My reply:

Hi April,

Thank you for your comment. I realize I was not clear enough in my post. I was talking about mild to moderate depression. I agree that if it’s serious, you cannot just hide it and get on. I am talking about the kind where everything just seems worthless and awful- and you feel your life is pointless, but are still functioning. I am glad you made the distinction. If I am crying a lot or get catatonic, I know something has triggered it or my meds are off and just acting like I’m ok is not enough!  I am sick and very tired of bipolar as well, but it can be managed!

Julie

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