Dealing with Guilt Over the Death of an Unloving Parent – Part 1

A man I mentored years ago, called me a few months back to tell me that his father had died. I knew that his father, although a public Christian, was privately emotionally abusive to his whole family. All his adult children were afraid of him. So, when he finished, I asked him this question, “You’re feeling very guilty right now because you’re really not sad about his death, aren’t you?”

“Oh my gosh, how did you know?”, was his response, said with palpable relief in his voice that the elephant in the room was finally out. He could talk about his guilt. I assured him that many other fine Christians, who’ve had an unkind or abusive parent beside him, have felt the same emotions.

Many aren’t sad because the person who made them so miserable is finally gone, but they do feel guilty. They’re relieved that they will no longer have to dread holidays with that parent, or hear from brothers and sisters who cannot or don’t want to forgive and forget, or think you’re nuts because the abuse didn’t happen to them. Like Holocaust survivors, the unstated motto of some abuse survivors has become “never forget.”

But now, they have to stand in line at the funeral home, put on a sad face and endure people saying all kinds of nice things about their parent. They’re sad that the kindness of their deceased parent was rarely shared with them. Another reaction is anger that these people would actually want to honor such a dishonorable person. It feels like abuse heaped on abuse. They either want this farce to be over, or for someone to tell them, they understand and that they knew their parent was unkind at them. They really want to hear, “it’s okay to be sad.”

Sound familiar? Here are some thoughts I shared with him.