Why I Write Healthy Relationships

 

I’ve had an idea for a very specific type of book in my head for some time; it’s an expansion on an idea I never got to fully explore with my writing partner from a few years ago. I spoke with her recently and she’s fully supportive of me dusting off those characters, which I’m looking forward to doing. But doing so involves writing an unhealthy relationship, which is something I’m staunchly against. It will BECOME healthy, but this book (we’ll call it Ghosts in Love) turns tropes inside out — the original plot made me question who the hero and villains really were, and when love crossed the line from healthy to unhealthy.

The truth is, there’s a very real reason why I write HEALTHY romances, but as a writer, I believe in pushing the limits, and I trust that I can do this. But I wanted to expand on why I choose to write healthy relationships, be it a friendship or a romantic relationship.

I’ve had a few chances at love, (not to be confused with dating/crushes/lust, because all those are awesome, and different from love) and to say I have no regrets would be a lie. And friends, I’m nothing if not honest. Once, I was too afraid to make the most of the chance. Once was terrible timing, so I can’t say if the person was right or wrong. (Now? I’m in a healthy, amazing relationship that my girlfriend and I work on, communicate, and build on all the time. And I’m so happy.)

But once, I was in a huge relationship that I thought was my be-all/end-all. I was very young and very scared and very determined that this would last, despite what everyone said. Despite what the world said — despite what friends thought — I was going to stick it out. Change us. Change myself. Change HIM.

Have you ever been alone with someone you love, and felt alone? Have you ever bottled words up so tight that the mere thought of speaking them makes you tremble? Have you felt the hands on your personal doomsday clock ticking toward total destruction — known it was coming, but been unable to acknowledge it until the end? Have you ever been so afraid to speak aloud what’s happening, because you’re terrified that if you let this chance slip away, there won’t be another one?

If I could, I would tell my younger self: breathe. Let go. Don’t wait until that awful autumn day when you both have to say “here is the end.” Go before then. Go when you realize you’re both trying to shape the other into something neither of you are. Go when you realize neither of you are able to bend with the wind, because you’re both breaking. I look back now, and all that pain, all those lonely nights during and after, all those sad songs on repeat… Yes, it was terrible. But it was WORTH IT. 

If I could, I would tell anyone who is in an unhealthy relationship: let go. Yes, it’s scary. Yes, you’ll cry. But you’ll also take a deep breath and let it all go. You’ll grow stronger, and you’ll be BETTER. Because somewhere is that person who needs you to be the BEST version of yourself you can be. I met my person six years ago, and we became best friends first. We inspired each other to be better: as friends, and as individuals, so that by the time things changed between us, we were READY.

I couldn’t have gotten to where I am today if I’d stayed. If I’d changed. I wouldn’t have been happy. I would have continued to feel trapped, like a flower trying to grow through concrete. I had to step out of that space, and be alone. I had to learn who I was and become OKAY with that. I had to realize that for a time I wasn’t okay — and that that WAS OKAY. I had to make mistakes, and take risks. I had to take charge of my life, I had to lose friends, make new friends, flirt, dance, have crushes, and say goodbye to some things and some people I couldn’t hold onto. I had to keep changing and growing to become the BEST I could be.

And if there’s anything of me at all in my characters, it’s that. Whether I’m writing YA, NA, or adult, I will ALWAYS write characters who fall down and get back up to try again. Characters who make mistakes, and who realize when they are in unhealthy relationships. Characters who don’t fall into the trap of thinking they can’t leave because this is their only chance. Characters who have enough faith in themselves to realize there is something — and someone — better.

Characters who chase after their happy ending — but the RIGHT happy ending. 

AS YOU TURN AWAY — one example of such a healthy relationship — is available now!