More than a single story
‘The consequence of the single story is it robs people of dignity.’
Chimamanda Adichie
When the state or the media commentates or becomes otherwise involved in family life it can sometimes be hard work to convince it of the complexities of the whole story. The whole story takes a bit of effort to listen to; it takes time and emotional engagement and sometimes a willingness to challenge initial reactions and long-held beliefs. Getting mine and my children’s voices heard has not been easy. At times we’ve been all but drowned out by the booming voices of the dominant stereotypes, misconceptions and myths (adoption is littered with them). We’ve become skilled at spotting the wagging fingers of entrenched positions, the moral and political high ground, the boiling down of the story for reasons of easy digestion and more confident at navigating our own way and speaking for ourselves.
When it comes to experiences of family, loss, mistreatment, blood, heritage and belonging there is no such thing as the single story. Everybody’s truth is different and some people’s truths are not it seems as politically or socially acceptable or as entertaining as others. As an adoptive parent it can leave you blowing about in the wind, questioning your own and your child’s judgement and experience as if they are somehow not authentic. The trick I’ve found is to keep listening and learning and to have confidence that experience counts for something.
This week Amanda Boorman and I took part in a conference organised by Dr Wendy Thorley of Sunderland University called ‘The Voices of Children: Listening to Looked After and Adopted Children’. We talked about our charity The Open Nest, founded by Amanda, which as the name suggests seeks to accommodate and support all experiences. We presented the first showings of two films the charity has commissioned; a short animation (which we are going to share on social media) and a longer documentary film about the experiences of Amanda, her daughter Jazz and their wider families. Through the films and other media we aim to represent many diverse voices and to challenge at least some of the misconceptions and simplistic views around adoption, family and belonging (which despite their clear complexities seems to attract more than their fair share of good/bad, right/wrong, happy/sad type representations).
The conference was opened and closed by a group of young people from Northumberland who are no strangers to the same types of simplistic thinking and stereotyping. They spoke movingly about what it feels like to be taken from the family home suddenly and without warning, what it feels like to be taken to a stranger’s home and to be kept in the dark about what the future holds, to be labelled as a ‘bad kid in care’ with few prospects. The single story was affirmatively kicked into the long grass, such is the power of the voice of the ‘user’.
Children who are cared for by the state, children who have been adopted from the care system, carers, birth families and adopters each have their own unique experiences and stories to tell and for that reason we need broad enough shoulders to listen and to respect and value what they tell us. When we don’t, we have to take care how we justify that. There will of course be common themes and experience can teach us to recognise these, but once we try to cut these down too far, to simplify them beyond meaning, we cut away the truth.
