On a scale of Virgin to Slut, who are you?

I just read two very different books by two very different women back to back: The Thrill of the Chaste by Dawn Eden and The Purity Myth by Jessica Valenti. As you can probably guess from the titles, the former is a conservative Christian blogger turned author’s take on how premarital sex and promiscuity is hurting women. The latter is a self-described sex-positive liberal who sees the emphasis on physical purity as being harmful to women.

I think they’re both right. I also think they’re both wrong.

Eden’s book serves as somewhat of a cautionary tale of what can happen to a woman’s sense of security and worth when she allows men to treat her body as a sexual buffet. Her identity becomes compromised the more she is viewed as an object, a slice of meat to salivate over, and worse: many women in her life influenced her to see this as empowerment.

Conversely, Valenti’s experience of being told she was “damaged goods” for having sex led to a distorted self-image. She was sick of being judged as a good or bad person based on her sexual activity, not her character and accomplishments.

While both of these women make valid points and are convincing, talented writers, the message I took from their books is that there is hardly any middle ground on the scale of Virgin to Slut: you either idolize virginity, so any kind of sexual blemish tarnishes your chance for a meaningful relationship, or you embrace sex as positive in any context, so long as it’s what you want, and to hell with anyone who tells you otherwise.

Someone please tell me, is there anything wrong with believing one’s virginity is important and valuable, so long as it doesn’t become an idol? Is it really so crazy to believe that sex, while not a quantifier of an individual’s worth or value by any means, is best reserved for committed relationships or marriage? You can’t tell me that promiscuity doesn’t have its drawbacks (unintended pregnancies, STDs, emotional fallouts), but it’s equally wrong to teach a generation of women that the “greatest gift” they can offer their partners is an intact hymen (what about trust? Compatibility? Can only virgins can offer those?).

I know “slut shaming” (an expression I personally despise) is real and damaging, but I’ve experienced more “virgin shaming” than anything else. I was called “unrealistic” and even had my sanity questioned in college for placing any kind of value on my virginity and wanting to save it for marriage (in some cases, my holier-than-thou tendencies got the better of me and some of the criticism was warranted. But not always).

There are many instances when it’s difficult for society to separate a woman’s character from her sexual activity. But make no mistake, our culture doesn’t make it easy for young people who choose to be abstinent, either. No matter what choices you make, you will never have it easy. You will never escape any kind of judgment or condemnation.

Placing some value on virginity does not automatically equal patriarchy. Being a feminist does not mean an adoration of promiscuity. But using sex to estimate anyone’s worth is always intolerant and damaging.

If I ever have children, I want them to be free to make decisions that are right for them. I also want to teach them that their bodies are valuable and to be treated with dignity. Is this possible? Is it “realistic”?

If you aren’t a “slut” or a member of the “purity police,” then who are you? According to the books I read, if you are not on one team, you are by default a member of the other.