The Good News Project: Vol. 32— It’s Harder to Receive Than to Give by Paul Paire
This is the thirty-second edition of The Good News Project: A series where anyone can share a personal story of inspiration or an event in life where they overcame tremendous odds. Everyone has a powerful story to tell and something to teach the world. (Here are guidelines on how you can write for The Good News Project.) Here we have Paul Paire with "It’s Harder to Receive Than to Give"
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When other parents hear that my wife and I have triplets, their reaction is typically the same, “Wow! That must have been difficult.” They’re right, but not for the reasons they (and you) are probably thinking.
Having triplets was difficult emotionally, physically, and financially. But money is earned to be saved and spent on things that are important. I never regretted spending an entire year’s salary to have children nor the cost of caring for them within the first six months of their life. My children are important to me (my wife also thinks jewelry is important, I’m not convinced yet.)
Having triplets was difficult physically for my wife. Two months bed rest at home with a one and a half year old on the loose, followed by three months of daily pills and shots while on bed rest in the hospital with the doctors stopping premature labor multiple times. But her body is strong and she was happy to endure hardship for her children.
It was difficult physically for me as well, but nowhere near the magnitude that it was for her. Late nights prepping things at the house so that it would be ready for when the triplets came home—things like putting up sconce lighting so we didn’t have to worry about a rogue kid pulling down a floor lamp, building and painting a nursery for three, traveling to see our one-and-a-half-year-old daily and then my wife every weekend—it wasn’t grueling, but it was taxing.
Once the triplets were home it was physically demanding as well, however, we had an outpouring of help for the physical tasks. We had hired a doula to take care of the 3am feedings three nights per week. Family, friends, neighbors, and friends of neighbors came over to help with laundry, dishes, cleaning, and caring for the children (sometimes that simply meant spending time with them.)
The emotional challenges were probably not what people would expect either. Three bawling babies were not nerve wracking to me and potty training wasn’t all that difficult. Show a three-year-old girl a magazine full of dresses from which she gets to choose one if she uses the potty fifteen times in a row, and boom, no more diapers. Sure, each kid has their own personality, which at various times (terrible twos), can be challenging, but on the whole it wasn’t terrible. Even when family expressed their concerns over how difficult this could and would be for us, I took it all in stride and didn't let their fears become my own.
For me, the emotional challenges came from people helping, and our needing the help. It’s often said that it’s better to give than to receive; however, I found it is harder to receive than to give.
Our society stigmatizes people who ask for help. I, like a lot of people, don't look favorably on the panhandler in the street, or the television evangelists asking for money. Movies and the news media have taught us to not stop and give help to someone on the side of the road (how many times have you thought while watching a horror movie – ‘No! Don’t pick him up!’). Asking for help was difficult.
When you ask for help you have to relinquish control. This. Was. Difficult. People did what they were comfortable doing, and some of those things weren’t on my list of things I thought needed to be done. Each of the things they did was something I could do, but with the added work of caring for the newborns, there just wasn’t enough time. Maybe they made dinner. Maybe they scrubbed the toilet (Admittedly, I never would have done this with or without time being available to me.) They were happy to help, and I was grateful for whatever they did, even if it was something simple or mundane and not on my list.
However, I also struggled, sometimes, with how people completed tasks. “That cup doesn’t belong in that cupboard.” “Why are my shirts in that drawer?” It wasn’t that it was done better or worse than how I would’ve done it; it was just different. My house was different. My things were touched or moved and that was a struggle for me. In the midst of all the other upheaval, the additional change shouldn't have bothered me. But it did. It made it hard to receive the gift they were giving—their time, their effort, their love.
Was having triplets difficult? Yes. But not in ways I ever could have imagined and, not in the way in which anyone ever spoke about. Changing how I responded to situations instead of trying to change the situation around me was the most difficult part of having triplets (even beyond dealing with the overwhelming amount of work). As a result of this change, I’m a better person.
None of the potential problems—premature birth, birth defects, or long-term health problems came to fruition. We have four healthy, happy, beautiful kids. We also have an abundance of deep friendships—more than we had before we had our children. I learned that people are blessed when they give, and if you don’t ask for help, you can hinder God from blessing them… and yourself.
Having triplets has taught me there are times when I need to relinquish control (don’t let my kids read this), and to receive help when it’s offered (especially when someone offers to scrub the toilet).
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When other parents hear that my wife and I have triplets, their reaction is typically the same, “Wow! That must have been difficult.” They’re right, but not for the reasons they (and you) are probably thinking.
Having triplets was difficult emotionally, physically, and financially. But money is earned to be saved and spent on things that are important. I never regretted spending an entire year’s salary to have children nor the cost of caring for them within the first six months of their life. My children are important to me (my wife also thinks jewelry is important, I’m not convinced yet.)
Having triplets was difficult physically for my wife. Two months bed rest at home with a one and a half year old on the loose, followed by three months of daily pills and shots while on bed rest in the hospital with the doctors stopping premature labor multiple times. But her body is strong and she was happy to endure hardship for her children.
It was difficult physically for me as well, but nowhere near the magnitude that it was for her. Late nights prepping things at the house so that it would be ready for when the triplets came home—things like putting up sconce lighting so we didn’t have to worry about a rogue kid pulling down a floor lamp, building and painting a nursery for three, traveling to see our one-and-a-half-year-old daily and then my wife every weekend—it wasn’t grueling, but it was taxing.
Once the triplets were home it was physically demanding as well, however, we had an outpouring of help for the physical tasks. We had hired a doula to take care of the 3am feedings three nights per week. Family, friends, neighbors, and friends of neighbors came over to help with laundry, dishes, cleaning, and caring for the children (sometimes that simply meant spending time with them.)
The emotional challenges were probably not what people would expect either. Three bawling babies were not nerve wracking to me and potty training wasn’t all that difficult. Show a three-year-old girl a magazine full of dresses from which she gets to choose one if she uses the potty fifteen times in a row, and boom, no more diapers. Sure, each kid has their own personality, which at various times (terrible twos), can be challenging, but on the whole it wasn’t terrible. Even when family expressed their concerns over how difficult this could and would be for us, I took it all in stride and didn't let their fears become my own.
For me, the emotional challenges came from people helping, and our needing the help. It’s often said that it’s better to give than to receive; however, I found it is harder to receive than to give.
Our society stigmatizes people who ask for help. I, like a lot of people, don't look favorably on the panhandler in the street, or the television evangelists asking for money. Movies and the news media have taught us to not stop and give help to someone on the side of the road (how many times have you thought while watching a horror movie – ‘No! Don’t pick him up!’). Asking for help was difficult.
When you ask for help you have to relinquish control. This. Was. Difficult. People did what they were comfortable doing, and some of those things weren’t on my list of things I thought needed to be done. Each of the things they did was something I could do, but with the added work of caring for the newborns, there just wasn’t enough time. Maybe they made dinner. Maybe they scrubbed the toilet (Admittedly, I never would have done this with or without time being available to me.) They were happy to help, and I was grateful for whatever they did, even if it was something simple or mundane and not on my list.
However, I also struggled, sometimes, with how people completed tasks. “That cup doesn’t belong in that cupboard.” “Why are my shirts in that drawer?” It wasn’t that it was done better or worse than how I would’ve done it; it was just different. My house was different. My things were touched or moved and that was a struggle for me. In the midst of all the other upheaval, the additional change shouldn't have bothered me. But it did. It made it hard to receive the gift they were giving—their time, their effort, their love.
Was having triplets difficult? Yes. But not in ways I ever could have imagined and, not in the way in which anyone ever spoke about. Changing how I responded to situations instead of trying to change the situation around me was the most difficult part of having triplets (even beyond dealing with the overwhelming amount of work). As a result of this change, I’m a better person.
None of the potential problems—premature birth, birth defects, or long-term health problems came to fruition. We have four healthy, happy, beautiful kids. We also have an abundance of deep friendships—more than we had before we had our children. I learned that people are blessed when they give, and if you don’t ask for help, you can hinder God from blessing them… and yourself.
Having triplets has taught me there are times when I need to relinquish control (don’t let my kids read this), and to receive help when it’s offered (especially when someone offers to scrub the toilet).
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