Open Submission To State Arts Organizations: Tactical, Non-Lethal Art Missile
Dear Sir or Madam,
My name is Charles Martin and I would like to do my part to save the arts in Oklahoma. It appears that the state legislature has been overtaken by high school bullies from a 1985 John Hughes movie. These bullies hope to achieve heightened social status by beating down the science nerds and artsy weirdos in their respective communities. Though within the Hughes universe things generally worked out in the favor of social outsiders, I do not believe that the science and arts communities within Oklahoma will be quite so fortunate without some aggressive intervention.
I sympathize with your plight and respect your tireless efforts to keep arts programs running throughout the state. You are, no doubt, looking to all options to disseminate educational programs in urban and rural areas. Boy, do I have the solution for you!
The Literati Tactical, Non-Lethal Art Missile! Or LTNAM (“Lit-Nahm”) for short.
LTNAM is a two-stage, laser-guided missile capable of carrying a three-ton payload and striking targets from 2,000 miles away with the simple push of a button. THE SIMPLE PUSH OF A BUTTON!
The payload can be customized for any need, but I would not advise LTNAM for human travel. My suggested payload would be:
20% glitter
20% acrylic paint
20% phat rhymes
20% sculpting clay
20% duct tape.
LTNAM will be fueled through a patent-pending formula composed of three parts Social Angst, two parts Good Intentions, and one part Hidden Liberal Agenda (wink, wink). The housing for the missile will comprise re-purposed cardboard, which makes the missile invisible to most radar-tracking devices. To dress it up, I would also suggest utilizing Papier Mâché and creatively affixed painter’s tape.
Why should we go with Literati Press Weapons and Ammunitions when there are so many other options available within the military-industrial complex?
Because we can also serve as an important intermediary connecting artistic ideals with the brute force of 21st century warfare.
Why, when arts agencies are strapped for money, should we invest millions in LTNAM?
You shouldn’t be investing millions, you should be investing billions! Think about how this will look to hawkish conservative types. They already love explosions, and LTNAM is Explosions + Glitter + Acrylic Paint! It will be epic, and I never use the word “epic” to describe anything! Only this one epic thing! LTNAM!
Now that you are as excited about this project as I am, you need to know that I require a minimum purchase order of 1,000 Literati Tactical Non-Lethal Art Missiles to confirm a development deal with my partner in an unspecified foreign country (wink, wink). I know 1,000 LTNAMs is a lot to commit to, but, since I am a friend of the arts, I’ll cut you a heck of a deal. How does $10 million per missile sound?
I know, I know, but don’t worry about me. I’m willing to take that financial hit because, as you surely have gathered, I love the arts.
So, interested? Yes? Great! Hold for a moment and I will put you on with my secretary to confirm the order. Thank you for your time and thank you for shopping Literati Press Weapons and Ammunitions!
Charles Martin
Creative Director
Literati Press
