It's the little things that count, as long as they don't get in the way of the big things!
My niece was married recently. We celebrated that joyous event at a reception in New York City. It had been several years since my husband and I were last in the Big Apple. We were more than a little shocked by the pace of life in the fast lane. We live little more than a hundred miles east of LA, so it’s not like we’re unfamiliar with the big city. We just don’t live at that pace anymore.
Retired in our corner of paradise, the Coachella Valley near Palm Springs, it’s a lot slower. That’s especially true when, like this week, the temps reach the triple digits. At 105 degrees you have to slow down. Take it easy. Pace yourself.
When you do that you notice things—little things, mostly. We have all sorts of old adages that give us of mixed messages about the small stuff. Don’t sweat it, for one. Fat chance, this time of the year out here you sweat everything! There’s also the notion, though, that if you pay attention and “take care of the little things, the big ones will take care of themselves.”
Now, back here in the slow lane, I can reflect on the big step my niece and her cherished partner have taken. “What about the small things when it comes to married life?” After 40+ years of marriage, I can tell you from experience that little things mean a lot. A kind word, a tender gesture, a helping hand at just the right moment, means the world when it comes to making a marriage work.
On the other hand, little things can grate in a marriage. I’m talking about the proverbial “leaving the cap off the toothpaste” problems that go with the territory when sharing your life and space with another person. We all have our idiosyncrasies. Making accommodations, in order to live happily ever after with the love of our lives, is to be expected. That means tolerating habitual differences, to some extent, but also being amenable to change. We can all stand to amend a bad habit or two or three, as the case may be.
One of the great benefits of marriage is that you have a frank and trustworthy person to give you feedback. Hopefully, that feedback comes when both of you are using your “indoor voices” and not shouting things like, “Did you buy a few things on Amazon without mentioning it or did we just get hacked by a crazed fan of murder and mayhem?” or “Why didn’t you tell me there’s no more milk left, did you think I was bringing a cow home when I went to the store this morning?” Not that we actually raise our voices in this house, or ask each other impertinent questions!
Perhaps this is all on my mind, not just because my niece took the plunge, but because the heroine in my mystery series has fled a very bad marriage. The guy is so obviously a jerk it’s hard to imagine how she could have become entangled with him in the first place. Like so many marriages, Jessica Huntington’s seemed to have been rooted in love, compatibility and shared goals. At least, from her vantage point, as a young married woman before all hell broke loose. As she tries to sort out what went wrong and when, a key issue is the small things/big things dilemma.
Small things matter, but they can also get in the way. Too much focus on minutia really can draw attention away from wider chasms that open up between intimate partners, or that were there all along, unseen. Griping about little things like who spent what, when, is a rut we can fall into. It may seem so much tougher to tackle the bigger tasks of forging strategies and tactics to manage resources as a couple. Bickering about who left dirty dishes in the sink or a wet towel on the floor can usurp our focus on the bigger challenge: how to build two careers and still take out the garbage!
Dealing with the big things often requires confrontations with our fundamental values and core beliefs about ourselves and our partner. It would be great if we had all the big stuff sorted out before getting hitched, but it just doesn’t happen that way. Not to mention the fact that people do grow and change over the course of a lifetime. It's tricky coordinating our growth spurts. Fortunately, there are a lot of skilled people out there who can help us when we get stuck. Solutions to the problems in a marriage are easier to find once the problems are clearly laid out. A neutral, third party can sure help, at critical points.
In the often overwhelming crush of life—especially for that part of it most of us spend in the fast lane—it’s easy to let the big things go untended. And the little things that chafe can spiral way out of proportion. I wish I had a scale I could hand my niece: a delicately embossed, silver-clad beauty that would help her weigh and balance all the things that can crowd love. Unfortunately, I don’t have one, silver-clad or otherwise. What I do have is heartfelt blessings for the newlyweds. Here’s to figuring out what’s important and facing it head-on. In the meantime, slow down, take a deep breath, and as Mother Theresa urges,“do small things with great love.”
Congratulations, M & J!
Join me at http://www.desertcitiesmystery.com/
Another way to sort things out in your relationship--get help from a licensed professional...
Marriage and Family Therapist:
http://www.aamft.org/iMIS15/AAMFT/
Social Worker:
http://www.helpstartshere.org/find-a-...
APA Psychologist:
http://locator.apa.org/
Retired in our corner of paradise, the Coachella Valley near Palm Springs, it’s a lot slower. That’s especially true when, like this week, the temps reach the triple digits. At 105 degrees you have to slow down. Take it easy. Pace yourself.
When you do that you notice things—little things, mostly. We have all sorts of old adages that give us of mixed messages about the small stuff. Don’t sweat it, for one. Fat chance, this time of the year out here you sweat everything! There’s also the notion, though, that if you pay attention and “take care of the little things, the big ones will take care of themselves.”
Now, back here in the slow lane, I can reflect on the big step my niece and her cherished partner have taken. “What about the small things when it comes to married life?” After 40+ years of marriage, I can tell you from experience that little things mean a lot. A kind word, a tender gesture, a helping hand at just the right moment, means the world when it comes to making a marriage work.
On the other hand, little things can grate in a marriage. I’m talking about the proverbial “leaving the cap off the toothpaste” problems that go with the territory when sharing your life and space with another person. We all have our idiosyncrasies. Making accommodations, in order to live happily ever after with the love of our lives, is to be expected. That means tolerating habitual differences, to some extent, but also being amenable to change. We can all stand to amend a bad habit or two or three, as the case may be.
One of the great benefits of marriage is that you have a frank and trustworthy person to give you feedback. Hopefully, that feedback comes when both of you are using your “indoor voices” and not shouting things like, “Did you buy a few things on Amazon without mentioning it or did we just get hacked by a crazed fan of murder and mayhem?” or “Why didn’t you tell me there’s no more milk left, did you think I was bringing a cow home when I went to the store this morning?” Not that we actually raise our voices in this house, or ask each other impertinent questions!
Perhaps this is all on my mind, not just because my niece took the plunge, but because the heroine in my mystery series has fled a very bad marriage. The guy is so obviously a jerk it’s hard to imagine how she could have become entangled with him in the first place. Like so many marriages, Jessica Huntington’s seemed to have been rooted in love, compatibility and shared goals. At least, from her vantage point, as a young married woman before all hell broke loose. As she tries to sort out what went wrong and when, a key issue is the small things/big things dilemma.
Small things matter, but they can also get in the way. Too much focus on minutia really can draw attention away from wider chasms that open up between intimate partners, or that were there all along, unseen. Griping about little things like who spent what, when, is a rut we can fall into. It may seem so much tougher to tackle the bigger tasks of forging strategies and tactics to manage resources as a couple. Bickering about who left dirty dishes in the sink or a wet towel on the floor can usurp our focus on the bigger challenge: how to build two careers and still take out the garbage!
Dealing with the big things often requires confrontations with our fundamental values and core beliefs about ourselves and our partner. It would be great if we had all the big stuff sorted out before getting hitched, but it just doesn’t happen that way. Not to mention the fact that people do grow and change over the course of a lifetime. It's tricky coordinating our growth spurts. Fortunately, there are a lot of skilled people out there who can help us when we get stuck. Solutions to the problems in a marriage are easier to find once the problems are clearly laid out. A neutral, third party can sure help, at critical points.
In the often overwhelming crush of life—especially for that part of it most of us spend in the fast lane—it’s easy to let the big things go untended. And the little things that chafe can spiral way out of proportion. I wish I had a scale I could hand my niece: a delicately embossed, silver-clad beauty that would help her weigh and balance all the things that can crowd love. Unfortunately, I don’t have one, silver-clad or otherwise. What I do have is heartfelt blessings for the newlyweds. Here’s to figuring out what’s important and facing it head-on. In the meantime, slow down, take a deep breath, and as Mother Theresa urges,“do small things with great love.”
Congratulations, M & J!
Join me at http://www.desertcitiesmystery.com/
Another way to sort things out in your relationship--get help from a licensed professional...
Marriage and Family Therapist:
http://www.aamft.org/iMIS15/AAMFT/
Social Worker:
http://www.helpstartshere.org/find-a-...
APA Psychologist:
http://locator.apa.org/
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