Your Worst Self
I haven´t written anything for a long time. There’s a reason for that; these days I am not feeling like my best self—I’m rather like my worst self. When your role in the world is to be an inspirational voice for others, that’s kind of a problem.
At least that’s how I have been thinking. So I have kept quiet. Today has probably been the hardest day in a string of days that I, in my own mind, have labeled “my second life crisis” (don’t ask). So it’s quite a paradox that for the first time in months I have unexpectedly (and to my own surprise) gathered up the nerve to finally ink another article.
The reason for that is a sudden realization—something that I have known for years as ancient wisdom, but that I have somehow forgotten: a crisis is a beautiful thing. When we are at our lowest, that’s exactly when we have the opportunity to grow the most. Your Best Self and Your Worst Self are interwoven. It’s a wheel, not a continuum. So without further ado, welcome to my mess and what I have learned from it so far.
Life is a continuum, in any balanced life there will always be high points and low points.
Almost 6 years ago I was with Annika for the first time, and we fell in love impulsively and intensely. I had just come out of a 10-year long relationship, which gave me the sweetest 1.5-year-old daughter I could ever have dreamed of. Within a year, the three of us moved together in a beautiful home in the middle of Copenhagen. Everything was perfect. I – and we – have enjoyed the benefits of a great work/life balance, and profound feelings of love. Fast-forward to present times, and Annika has just moved out of the house, (on my initiative) because we simply couldn’t get the “brought together” family to work. No one has done anything wrong. I can’t even blame work, because my work/life balance is still as close to ideal as it can get. Annika and I have both tried our very best, but it’s very difficult to get the family dynamic to work in a way that is enjoyable and fruitful for the three of us. It’s still an open topic as to where the whole situation will land, but we have taken a break—which has made us both quite sad since we still deeply love each other.
My first reaction to all of this have been:
Shame (“what’s wrong with me since I can’t get my family to work”)
Isolation (“this is so shameful, that I better try to hide it”)
Despair (“things will never be good again”)
Thinking and feeling like this is of course irrational and counterproductive. It helped a lot when I finally admitted to myself, and a bit later to my close friends, that I was no longer my cheerful self. I tend to praise myself for being self-reliant, and due to that, sharing my personal situations can be difficult. But boy did it do wonders! I (once again) experienced how friends and family members are in fact there for you. I slept on my best friends couch for a week and he willingly listened to my inconsistent chatter evening after evening.
My crisis is by no means over. Maybe it has only just started, who knows. However, I feel I already have learned (or been reminded) about some important lessons for “personal crisis management” that I felt like sharing:
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1. Allow the pain to be there
For a long time I’ve told myself, “I am a strong guy. No matter what happens I can deal with it without it really getting to me.” Well, I was wrong! Despite my studies of personal growth, my meditation practice, my 4 weekly work outs, my mantras and long time efforts for positive thinking—this completely normal thing (relationship trouble) swept me of me feet. Only after acknowledging the pain have I been able to take small steps forward – letting the pain be there, feeling it with all of my body. Unfortunately, I cannot cry – if you can I will recommend you do when you are feeling really sad (check out this article about the importance of crying).
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2. Look for the melody
A friend of mine is a very successful businessman. He is also in a constant struggle with a history and pattern of severe depression. He gave me a very useful piece of advice, as he said: “When you are feeling down, look for the melody. Just like with a piano, there are light and dark tones in life. But it’s all music, if only you look for it.” When I feel terrible, I go into the emotion. I ask myself; how does this actually feel? In my chest, in my arms, in my stomach. How is my vision, how are my thoughts, how is my interpretation of my surroundings. Sure enough, if I can stay in this mode for a while, there it is; the melody of life. Quiet, withheld, and dark – but it’s still there.
If you ever feel the impeding silence, take some time and tune into the rhythm of your life. Use the music to guide your way, and mold it to become a tune you’d enjoy.
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3. Accept to be slow
At a more practical level, I have been able to keep doing my work during my personal crisis—only because I have accepted that I am slower than I normally am. In a stressed situation our mind has a lot of work to do—questions like, “What does this mean? Why has it happened? How can I get back on track? What’s wrong with me?” These questions take up a lot of mind power and energy. Even if some of it is happening on an almost subconscious level. So we need to go easy on ourselves. For instance, today it took me 2 hours just to get out of bed and into the shower. A part of me wants to beat myself up about that, but throughout the last weeks, I have realized that will only make things worse.
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4. Seek out company
When you are feeling down, isolation is the killer. Don’t go there! Recently, my first inclination many mornings have been: “I can’t cope with meeting other people today, let me cancel everything.” However, we all know that’s not the way to go. Instead set out to meet people you like and who bring out the best in you. Even if it’s just for a little while where you can forget your trouble, or get help to digest everything that’s going on, it’s worth it. This goes for introverts and extroverts alike. Isolating yourself will give you all the room you need to let your thoughts spin out of control, and nothing good will come of that.
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5. Stick to your routines
When something major goes wrong in our lives, it’s easy to get so shocked that we stray away from our usual routines. That’s a terrible idea. In a personal crisis the routines are more important than ever. That’s why I have been dragging myself to the gym four times a week, like I always do. It surely hasn’t been easy; some days I have been sitting with my running shoes on, starring at the wall for half an hour, before convincing my legs to carry me out the door. But it has been worth it. You can forget about your exercise and drink too many mojitos when you are in a good mood. When you are feeling down, do everything you can to walk the line, and do what you know is good for you.
If you ever go through a turbulent period, it’s important to stick to your routines in order to keep a level head. Whether it’s fitness, food, or friends, it’s important not to get lost in life when you hit a bump in the road.
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6. Search for an oasis
These difficult days, I am really dependent on a nice experience or two a day. Just small things can make a big difference. Or to put it another way; I wouldn’t know how to get through the day without them. Today, for instance, I had a massage, and a great ice cream. I did my best to enjoy both of these experiences, turning them into an oasis in the middle a difficult time. What do you really like doing? What normally cheers you up? You might want to think about it, and write it down, now that you are in a good mood—because when the shit hits the fan thinking about good things might not come natural to you.
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7. Be open and honest
I think most of us would rather try to cover up our downturns than share them openly. For a long time I thought that everyone would hate me if they knew what was going on inside of me. That’s of course nonsense. When we try to hide that we are having a tough time, others will notice that something is wrong and they will jump to their own conclusions. Maybe they will think we don’t like them anymore, that we are no longer motivated by our job, or that we are arrogant. I am definitely not advocating running around the office disturbing everyone with the full story of every little relationship hick up you might be having. But if you are consistently sad, angry or depressed for a month straight, then it’s far better to be open about it, than to try to hide it. People will notice something is wrong any way, and it’s much better that they know what is going on, than make their own wrongful assumptions. I have even let my investors in on the complete story, and guess what; they have been great and are supporting me the whole way!
Be open and honest about your personal situation if it begins to effect your professional life. In the end, people are very understanding, and it’s better that they know the truth rather than jump to their own conclusions.
It’s fair to assume that all of us will have quite a few rough periods throughout our lifetime. There’s really no way to get around that. The only thing we can do is to make sure to learn the most we can from every crisis. That way we become stronger by the hardships we encounter in life, not the opposite. On that note, I am now heading off to a great Italian restaurant I discovered a few days ago here in Manhattan. I already know that it won’t be the best evening I have ever had, because the painful feeling inside me will accompany me, but it’s surely better than giving in to my first idea, to order junk food and stay alone in my apartment.
Images from: here, here, and here
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