Let’s Explain the Comment System Again

A few days ago, I wrote a post about my home town. This post is starting to take up far too much of my time, because people reading clearly don’t understand my comments policy.

Here’s my policy; I’m a fucking bitch. I will be mean to you if you insult me. I will pull statistics that prove you wrong and I will attack you even if your insult is veiled and passive aggressive. If you insult my writing style, I will attack you. I won’t just calmly say “different strokes for different folks.”

This is what I do for a living. You telling me I’m doing it wrong is like me showing up at whatever McDonalds you work at and complaining you’re dropping fries wrong. This is my job and I’m doing it just fine without your assistance.

Sending a poorly spelled message where I need to hire a translator in order to decipher what you’re saying will make me attack you. Insulting me directly will make me attack you. Being a passive aggressive asshole will make me attack you.

I’m sorry I didn’t make this clear, but I’ll go ahead and do it now. I write for a living. I’m mean for a living. I am controversial for a living. Half the time. when I yell at you, I’m not even angry. I’m just doing what comes natural to me.

Yes, I know the post on my home town went viral. You know what? I didn’t fucking ask for that. It just started getting shared because apparently more than a few people thought I was right. I didn’t start slapping that post up on people’s pages and demanding they share it. Apparently, they agreed that your town was going to shit. All I did was shine a light on those problems.

Attacking me will fix nothing.

In fact, it will do nothing more than get your feelings hurt, because trust this; I know how to hurt feelings.

So let’s explain the comment system again, to the people from my home town who apparently think I’m going to take it easy on them.

I’m mean and I am incredibly good at being mean. Hurting your feelings if you piss me off will not keep me up at night. In addition, Essa on Everything is MY page. It’s syndicated and I get money for it. The more controversy I cause, the more money I make.

But that isn’t even half the reason I’m mean. I know that my disclaimer states ‘warning, posts on this site might be factually inaccurate…”

Here’s the thing; that’s a little thing called tongue-in-cheek humor. I self depreciate on a regular basis to make myself seem more human, but deep down, I know I’m much, much better than you are at being a sarcastic bitch.

I know I’m right. I did the math and I did the research. I wouldn’t have written the post if I didn’t. When you argue with me, I have no problem proving that point.

Maybe you all didn’t get the way the internet works. Maybe you think I’m supposed to coddle you and suddenly change my opinion because you disagree with me.

Let me explain a little more thoroughly; I don’t give a shit if you agree with me and your opinion means shit to me. That’s why this page is called “Essa on Everything” and not “Random Asshole on Everything.”

As a reminder, the comment system works as follows.

The only opinion that really matters on this page is mine. If you have a problem with that, start your own page. It won’t be as popular, but at least it will be yours.
I don’t usually call people out on spelling and grammar, but if you have a 90% error rate in a ten word sentence, if you don’t know how to use a comma and if you’ve sent me 14 random run on sentences in text speak, expect me to wreck you for it. That’s just disrespectful. I make an effort to ensure that my page is as error free as possible before I put it up. If I can do that, I expect my commentators to do that when their comments are only 10 words long.
I had regular fans before these Berlin shenanigans started. A LOT of regular fans. I WILL protect those fans. If you post a comment attacking one of my prior friends/fans opinions I will either delete it, or I’ll attack your ass. It really depends on how much I’ve been drinking. But I will respect and protect that fan base, because they aren’t just my fans anymore. They are my friends and it is my responsibility to take care of them. As Spike Lee says, I will do that by any means necessary.

This is MY page. I’ve earned my following and no, I don’t need feedback on my writing style. Enough people like me to keep me in leather pants and candy apples every month. You will not attack my friends, you will not attack my family and you will not attack me without dealing with the consequences.

You don’t want to tangle with me. I’ve been doing this too long to back down now. My livelihood depends on taking you in a fight…so guess how seriously I take it when you post an offensive comment on my site? If your answer is ‘rage induced verbal attack that will haunt you and your family to your grave’ you might be in the neighborhood.

So the comment policy? Disregard it if you want, but let’s see what happens when you piss me off. I don’t pull punches and nothing is off limits to me if you cross those boundaries.

Trust this; I’ve turned being angry, drunk and offensive into a lifestyle.