Blinded By My Tears

I have been waiting since December 2013 to have my follow-up heart cath. It has been a grueling wait, and after two postponements (we drove up on Monday for a Tuesday appt. I got in and they could not do the test because no one told me to stop taking one of my meds.) So we came home on Tuesday and drove back on Wednesday for a Thursday test.

We have been so optimistic about the results because I feel better.

Yesterday at Mayo I finally had my right heart cath. The goal was for my lung pressures to be lower. As they were in the beginning, they would not put me on the transplant list because my lungs would ruin a new heart. So they did the test and when it was all said and done, the pressures were down, but not far enough.

It was all I could do not to burst into tears right there on the gurney. My stomach turned over and my mouth went dry. All I could think of was having to live with this damn pump for longer. It is what keeps me alive, literally, and yet it causes me the greatest amount of pain. I’ve started having panic attacks again and I just want my life back.

The doctor tried to cheeer me up and he did his best to keep it positive, but I all I kept hearing was “not low enough.” Still not qualifying for the list is just not an option and I am not sure how to deal with the disappointment.

I am tired of crying.