Relationship Secrets 101 .......

I seem to have established long ago that the most valuable lessons I’ve learned over the years have come about the ‘hard way’. As someone determined to have my own way, I’ve powered my way through life determined to make things happen the way I saw fit, but when it comes to relationships, my way often meant the highway. Now fifty plus years into my life, I’ve finally learned to quiet my ambitions long enough to actually to observe one nasty habit women make – myself included – that seems to drive men farther away versus drawing them closer.

Women tend to be the great communicators. Naturally ‘in touch’ with our emotions, we find it easy to open up about how something or someone makes us feel, and as such we like to express ourselves openly to the people we care most about, whether that be our partners, girlfriends, co-workers or our children. Most of the time this bodes well for us, as it opens up an exchange of information that can prove to be beneficial. However, when speaking in terms of our most intimate relationships, and how our male counterparts tend to react to such openness, it gets a little trickier.

Oftentimes, when a man initially expresses interest in a woman and the feelings are mutual, the two can’t seem to get enough of one another. His numerous phone calls, texts and emails abound as it seems every spare moment is spent connecting with the object of his affection. Conversely, as a woman – even when you might have experienced some reluctance from the onset – this kind of attention proves to be a powerful aphrodisiac, effectively shooting buckshot through whatever guard you may have initially set in place to protect yourself from getting in over your head for fear of losing yourself in the courtship. But just when you begin to show your vulnerability in the form of expressing how much you care, you suddenly begin to experience a ‘distance’ that previously failed to exist, causing you to question not only his true feelings but also what actions you might have committed to send him fleeing in the opposite direction. Believe me, I’ve been there.

I’ve suffered so much so that I’ve had to swear off all relationships with the opposite sex as a means to hold onto whatever sanity I had left, and once I did so, I began to experience greater clarity in terms of how men and women approach relationships altogether differently. It is no secret that men are ‘hunters’ and women are ‘nesters’. That fact was established long ago. As such, when a man is genuinely attracted to a woman – particularly when he is a Type A, Alpha male – he cannot resist the temptation to do whatever it takes to win her affection. This characteristic is woven into the fiber of his being and comes so naturally it is almost a reflex as opposed to a carefully conducted operation, but just as a man must ‘recover’ immediately following physical intimacy, so too exist the need to recover from emotional intimacy ….. i.e. the predictable distance that inevitably occurs between you. Thus it is ‘not’ a sign that he is a player or even that once he’s won you, he’s lost interest, or that he no longer cares for you, but rather it is a genetic, predisposed behavior. I admit some men – and women – are ‘players’ but the vast majority are not, and we should resist the opportunity to condemn either gender because our relationships are not progressing the way we’d like.

Society places a great deal of stress of men to be leaders, to show strength and control of their emotions at all times regardless of the situation. While women suffer from different kinds of stress, we are at least free to express our emotions – within reason – without so much fear of judgment. Admit it …. how many women have been in relationships where the guy dared let down his guard and became overly emotional and almost instantly you perceived him as ‘weak’ and thus began to lose interest? Instinctively, we want our men to be strong, because whether we admit it or not we want to feel as if they are capable of protecting us should the need arise.

But too many women – once they begin to suffer the effects of this new as before unexperienced distance – set about a course to ‘convince’ the object of their affection just how great the two of you are together, and as a result end of sending him that much farther away. It goes back to his need to feel in control, thus it’s difficult to convince a man to do anything that doesn’t already feel like his own idea, which is why coincidentally so many wives feel they have to harp at their husbands just to get him to take out the trash. Making yourself appear too needy goes against all the laws of attraction. Here women and men are no different, as we are both attracted to cool, confident members of the opposite sex. We like individuals who are comfortable in their own skin, have a sense of where they’re going and the wherewithal to get there. We like people who are in command of their lives, which is why successful people draw us closer to them as opposed to how much money they have in the bank.

So what do you do when that inevitable distance occurs? You go on about your life, pursuing your own dreams and ambitions, doing the things you love, seeing the people who matter while not staring at your cell phone waiting and obsessing over the call or text that may or may not come for a while. As such you create the space and the distance for him to feel the need to move closer to you once more, and by doing so you remain the confident woman that attracted him in the first place.

It’s okay to express your needs and expectations, as well as your boundaries where relationships are concerned, as I find most men respond to this much in the same way they would a valid business proposal, because there’s not only logic but sound reasoning behind the willingness to do so. In so doing, you place just as high a premium on your own time and energy letting him know you’re not going to waste a precious moment spent waiting on him to call. Once you reach this place, the imposed distance will serve to give you both the clarity you need to decipher how much this individual means to you and how willing you are to stay vested in a possible future together. Then even if it doesn’t work out, you don’t have to spend months in recovery resenting the time you wasted and risk carrying that same resentment forward into your next possible connection, thereby poisoning all future prospects with past failures.

We’ve all loved and lost, but with the proper mindset, it becomes equally as possible to love and win. Happy dating …….