Steps to Being Published and Becoming a "Real Author"

1. Write a book.

You would be astonished at how many people want to skip this step.

2. Revise book.

3. Let book sit for a while. Read other books, some in your genre, some not.

4. Revise again.

5. Have people who are not related to you read the book.

6. Let your thoughts sit for a while. Read more books, some in your genre, some not.

7. Revise again.

8. Try writing a query letter.

9. Revise query letter.

10. Realize you still need to revise the book. Read more books. Lots of books. Weep because these books are better than your book could ever be.

11. Start another book in despair.

12. Go back to the first book when in despair about the new book.

13. Revise some more.

14. Realize you aren’t really revising anymore.

15. Write another query letter.

16. Now—and only now—begin to research agents and publishing houses.

17. Send queries out. Wait for responses.

18. Chew off your own fingernails as you wait some more. Read books in the meantime that make you wish you had never sent in query letters. You weren’t ready and now you want to take them all back into protective custody.

19. Collect rejection letters.

20. Begin again.

21. At some point, someone somewhere offers you a contract/agency agreement.

22. Celebrate.

23. Wait while your book is edited.

24. Revise again. Read more books.

25. Begin making a list of all the jobs you could do that would pay more and be less frustrating than writing.

26. Realize that you don’t want to do any of those jobs, and that you’d rather be a frustrated writer. Read more.

27. Call up someone and complain to them.

28. Find out your book is going to be published.

29. Get medicated for anxiety about your book being published.

30. Complain to everyone about how long it is taking for your book to be published.

31. Realize that you can’t take it back anymore. Watch television because you now hate all books, especially your own.

32. Ask your editor if you can still change things. (You can’t.)

33. Get your first review. Weep.

34. Consider changing your name.

35. Put on a happy face for the launch party.

36. Obsessively check your amazon or bookscan numbers, because you have no control anymore and you want to pretend that you do.

37. Go to conferences and meet other authors whose careers you wish you had or whose books you wish you had written.

38. If you are lucky, have one real moment where you hear another author saying the same thing as you.

Congratulations, you are now a “real author.” You’ve been through it all.