Dear Sparkle: How Do I Stop My Human From Trying to Train Me?

Dear Sparkle,

You won’t believe what my human is doing — she is trying to train me! At least that is what she calls it. I call it making me work for my treats. According to Dictionary.com, a treat is “entertainment, food, drink, etc., given by way of compliment or as an expression of friendly regard.” In other words, it’s supposed to be given freely, and I am not supposed to have to do stuff to get it! Lately she has been making me sit up to get a treat — just one measly treat per sit up. Is that lame or what? How do I put an end to this annoying frivolity?

Signed,

Won’t Work for Treats

Dear Won’t Work,

First off, I want to say you have won my admiration by quoting from Dictionary.com and using multi-syllable words in your question. And humans think we kitties all talk that stupid LOL-speak — ha! We are smarter than that… and smarter than most humans. Actually, it is because we are so bright that some humans seem so intent on “training” us. They think that smart creatures can be taught to do humiliating things for human pleasure. The truth is that really smart creatures know how to get what they want out of humans without debasing themselves. We cats are experts at that, so when humans attempt to train us to do tricks, they are actually trying to dumb us down!

But don’t worry, there is a very simple solution to end your human’s demeaning training sessions, and it comes by way of Binga: when your human wants you to sit up for a treat, go ahead and do it — but instead of taking the treat nicely out of her hand, chomp on her finger! If you do that every time your human coaxes you into a “training” session, she will start realizing that it’s not much fun for her and she will most likely stop this silly activity.
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Having problems with your human or the other cats in your house? As the internet’s “Dear Abby With Claws,” I have answers to many annoying problems in my two award-winning books! Visit my author’s page on Amazon to buy one or both of my awesome Dear Sparkle books!