I’m a selfish asshole

I’ve stagnated in my recovery.  In fact, I don’t think I’ve recovered at all.  I have gained some knowledge about my condition… and the condition of my life.  It’s not working.

Reflecting what I see of how my recovery process has hurt other people… I can’t help but think that I’ve failed here. Instead of healing my pain, I’ve just shared it with others and actually been hurt and angry at them when they’ve pushed back on this intrusion into their happy lives.

I am just like my father.  I am a selfish asshole.

I thought that somehow I was better than him, superior in all the ways that count.  But, the truth of it is, that I have the same behaviors, the same neediness, the same need to reign over people, the same need to feed a narcissistic obsession with myself.  On top of that, like him, I don’t recognize other people’s boundaries.

It’s hard to realize that all the pain of my life over the last 10 years is my fault.

I suppose I thought that getting better would help me love myself, but now I’m going to have to learn to love this thing that I am.  I’m a narcissistic victim.  Sure, I have CPTSD, that’s a real thing and a real battle, but the way I go about having it means that other people have to wear it with me.  I thought I was building a support system, but I was just building another fan-base, like I tried to when I was a consultant, only this time I’ve invited them all to a pity party that is all about me.

So, I’m stepping back.  I’m going to find a therapist.  I’m not publishing my book.  I can’t let anyone read nonsense that is non-healing.  I have to learn to take the blame, responsibly.  I have to learn to be a better daughter, mother, sister and friend.  I don’t know what that takes, really.  I can’t try to speak authoritatively on it… for the first time, I realize I don’t have the answers.  I never did.