The Value of Biting Your Tongue

This post was actually scheduled for last week. Then I got all riled up about something stupid somebody said online, and I wasted a bunch of time writing a post about that stupid thing – some of you might have seen it; it was up very briefly here – then I realized writing rebuttals to stupid things people have said usually leaves me feeling like I need a shower, and so I took it down.

And wished I had followed my own advice, and just put this post up as planned.

I don’t want to address stupid things people write on the internet anymore. I don’t have enough time to do that. And so, I’m going to offer one, final, opinion on things people write, and then move into my post.

(1) Lots of people say lots of dumb things on the internet. Far more people say far dumber things in the comments.

(2) If you’re writing something on the internet, and you’re about to say “All …” and then state some sort of fact / opinion, you’re probably about to say something stupid. For example, “All agents …”, “All publishers …”, “All self-published books …” – you get the picture. There is no such thing as “All”, so avoid making yourself look ignorant, and get more specific / do some research / think twice, etc.

(3) If people write things that are untrue, the real world will prove them wrong far better than any comment, or retaliatory post anybody else can write. So go ahead and say what you want about Amazon, or e-books, or self-publishing authors. Time will prove you right, or wrong, and it doesn’t matter what I say about it.

Now, onto the original post about being professional with regards to what you say / write:

I can remember, several times before OIM was published, trying to imagine 500 people reading my book. It seemed like a huge amount, if I thought of them all in one place, together, staring at me. Well, now quite a few more than 500 people have read my book. And some of them visit this blog. And follow me on Facebook. Etc. So, the question of how I portray myself professionally becomes even more important.

Sometime after that, I decided to publish my next book on my own. Which just added another level to my awareness of branding / image / working professionally. I’m my own business now. My book is me.

The main conclusion I’ve drawn is that the more license I have to write – and the more people read my writing – the more careful I have to be with my words.

This applies, of course, in the books I write. I have personal guidelines for what will, and won’t, be in my books. The f-word is one that won’t be in my books – at least not my YA books – at least not now. (This is probably only half for the reason you think – yes, I think it crosses a line – but, also, I fear, for me, throwing in an f-bomb would be lazy writing. I’d rather work harder to find a better way to describe my character’s frustration, anger, etc. … but I’m digressing; this is a discussion for another post.)

It also applies to the words like these I’m typing right now – words that appear on FB, or on my blog. I feel strongly about many subjects and, sometimes, it’s tempting to let loose with a rant. Sometimes I just want to write a long list of pet peeves. Some people do this, and it works for them, but it’s not right for me. It goes against the image I want to cultivate. I want to be positive. I want to address issues strongly, but would rather offer solutions, than complain about problems. (SEE ABOVE!)

I’m not a saint. Not at all. Sometimes, in my publishing journey, something happens to me, and I want to tell all of you about it. “Hey, can you believe this happened? Can you believe how inept / backwards / incompetent / unfair this person / entity is?” It’s so tempting sometimes. I know lots of you would support me. You’d say, “No! I can’t believe it! Wow!” But the words would be out there – negative words – and, as much as I believe I’m right, they’d be from my side only, and I would never be able to completely take them back, so I sit on my hands and don’t write them.

There’s also the whole problem of tone, and misunderstanding, and miscommunication, that happens on the internet, and comments and reviews seem to really bring this out in people, so I try to avoid that too. Joe Konrath had a good post on that this week.

And there are also the words I use in my more private correspondence and my personal exchanges with other people. BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU SAY. You can’t take it back. You really can’t. I don’t care how many people say “forgive and forget”; in my experience you can decide to forgive, but you can’t decide to forget. We’re biologically programmed to remember things that hurt us – for example we wouldn’t survive long if we forgot that big animals with long teeth and fangs might bite / kill / maim us – so once something is said, it will always exist.

And, yes, personal experience is prompting me to write this. I’m thinking right now of a couple of instances where somebody lashed out – said or wrote something very strong to me, which demonstrated either factual errors, or that they didn’t have all the information they needed to say what they were saying. It was hard to receive these messages. It was even harder not to reply. Not to say, “Yeah, well you don’t know this part of the story!” Not to lash back.

But – deep breath – it wasn’t worth it. It didn’t matter that much. I imagined the correspondence being reviewed by an outsider after the fact, and thought about whether I wanted to be an escalator, or the person who brought it to a close with a polite good-bye. It’s hard to be the polite good-bye person. It’s not always fun. Sometimes it feels unfair, and like you didn’t get your say …

… when that happens, as Joe Konrath says, just “Have a beer, and talk to your best friend.”

I sometimes regret what I write but, fortunately, not that often. And when it’s hard to bite my lip, or smile and turn away, I try to keep the big picture in mind. How would I feel if these words were attached to me forever? If I always had to own them?

There’s peace of mind in being careful about what you write and, in my opinion, there’s also professionalism in it.