Spring Query Extravaganza 8
It's here!! I'll be doing a limited number of query critiques in the next few weeks to celebrate spring. Right now I have no spots open. Keep watching and it's likely I'll reopen in a week or two. Or if you can't wait, I have an editing service. Contact me through the twitter or the contact form on this blog. Query critiques are on sale for $20, payable through paypal, and include two revisions.
Participants must comment on other Spring Query entries to pay it forward. If I notice someone not leaving comments, their query will get skipped.
Now to the fine print:
All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees. Plus, you know, I'm leaving pink comments in celebration of spring so you have to be able to tolerate pink.
As sent to me:
Twenty-year-old Aidelle had everything she’d desired: new home, new brothers-in-law, and an old passion for Phillip. Then she broke time.
Just as they’ve unpacked in their new house, Phillip reconsiders their engagement contract. Apparently, she’s not ‘high society’ enough for his upper-class parents. As he slams the door on their relationship, Aidelle does what any love-scorned woman would do: she chucks the mantelpiece clock at him. Now, thanks to that broken timepiece, Aidelle’s sealed in a frozen version of their house in-between realities. She can’t search for the man she still loves, but maybe patching up the clock will patch up the past. Right? But time, with all its bumps and eddies, doesn’t play fair.
When Aidelle catches a glimpse of Phillip through a temporal fissure – another reality growing in her sitting room, of all things – she realises he’s tearing apart every reality to find her. As the fissure closes, Aidelle is more alone than ever. If she doesn’t find a way to rewind time – and, in the process, win back the man she adores – every fissure in time will seal, erasing from existence their future, present and past.
WHEN THE CLOCK BROKE is an NA Fantasy Romance complete at 80,000 words about love, loss and temporal paradoxes. The novel explores a Neovictorian universe and will appeal to fans of Gail Carriger’sParasol Protectorate series.
With my crazy comments:
Twenty-year-old Aidelle had everything she’d desired: new home, new brothers-in-law, and an old passion for Phillip.(I like the voice at the end of this sentence. It has a nice simplicity but stands out. At least when someone is reading it slowly and analyzing every word.) Then she broke time. (Not sure this hook is as strong as it could be, just because it lacks specific details. It does have the plus of being straightforward, concise, and direct.)
Just as they’ve unpacked in their new house(Does it matter where she is when it all happens?), Phillip reconsiders their engagement contract. Apparently, she’s not ‘high society’ enough for his upper-class parents. As he slams the door on their relationship(Understood), Aidelle does what any love-scorned woman would do: she chucks the mantelpiece clock at him(Ha! Nice one! But seems like this could be shortened and tightened to allow room for other information. While Aidelle is unpacking in the new house, Phillip announces she's not 'high society' enough for his upper-crust family, engagement reluctantly cancelled. Aidelle does what any love-scorned woman would do--chucks the mantelpiece clock as he slams the door.) . Now, thanks to that broken timepiece, Aidelle’s sealed in a frozen version of their house in-between realities(Not sure what this means. Time doesn't move?). She can’t escape to(to clarify) And here's where you could add a little wordage to give us a better idea of what's happening. This is the meat of the story, but it feels a little glossed over. She can't eat, can't affect things around her, can't escape to search for .... search for the man she still loves, but maybe patching up the clock will patch up the past. Right? But time, with all its bumps and eddies, doesn’t play fair. (Not so sure of the question. Could be dangerous in a query. Better safe than sorry. Sadly, time, with all its bumps and eddies, doesn't play fair.)
When Aidelle catches a glimpse of Phillip through a temporal fissure(How does she know this phrase? She's a Victorian lady, not a scientist in our era. through an unnatural fissure in the air? Maybe it's part of the Neovictorian aspect you mention below, so ignore.) – another reality growing in her sitting room, of all things – she realises (English spelling.) he’s tearing apart every reality to find her.(Then why did he break off their marriage? Maybe it's just guilt, instead of love. I added 'reluctantly' above to explain.) As the fissure closes, Aidelle is more alone than ever. If she doesn’t find a way to rewind time – and, in the process, win back the man she adores – every fissure in time will seal(How does she know this? What sign does she have this is happening? I'm guessing trying to break through will erase her and the space around her is shrinking. As the fissure closes and her space shrinks? the time bubble grows unstable?... Also it seems like her success depends on getting back her love. Not sure if that is strictly true. I guess what's bugging me is the last sentence is not straightforward. If she doesn't find a way to rewind time, every fissure in time will seal, erasing her love and life whether in future, present or past.), erasing from existence their future, present and past.(I do like how you ended with a reference to time.)
WHEN THE CLOCK BROKE is an NA Fantasy Romance complete at 80,000 words about love, loss(Not a fan of the Oxford comma, I see.) and temporal paradoxes. The novel explores a Neovictorian universe and will appeal to fans of Gail Carriger’s Parasol Protectorate series. (Hello! I remember this pitch from PitchSlam. It was among my maybes, but someone else snatched it up. Good one!)
Strong query with a nice bit of voice to characterize the main character. The love situation is very clear in this query. That's why you might consider cutting a little wordage from it to spend more on clarifying the time issue. Good luck!
Participants must comment on other Spring Query entries to pay it forward. If I notice someone not leaving comments, their query will get skipped.
Now to the fine print:
All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees. Plus, you know, I'm leaving pink comments in celebration of spring so you have to be able to tolerate pink.
As sent to me:
Twenty-year-old Aidelle had everything she’d desired: new home, new brothers-in-law, and an old passion for Phillip. Then she broke time.
Just as they’ve unpacked in their new house, Phillip reconsiders their engagement contract. Apparently, she’s not ‘high society’ enough for his upper-class parents. As he slams the door on their relationship, Aidelle does what any love-scorned woman would do: she chucks the mantelpiece clock at him. Now, thanks to that broken timepiece, Aidelle’s sealed in a frozen version of their house in-between realities. She can’t search for the man she still loves, but maybe patching up the clock will patch up the past. Right? But time, with all its bumps and eddies, doesn’t play fair.
When Aidelle catches a glimpse of Phillip through a temporal fissure – another reality growing in her sitting room, of all things – she realises he’s tearing apart every reality to find her. As the fissure closes, Aidelle is more alone than ever. If she doesn’t find a way to rewind time – and, in the process, win back the man she adores – every fissure in time will seal, erasing from existence their future, present and past.
WHEN THE CLOCK BROKE is an NA Fantasy Romance complete at 80,000 words about love, loss and temporal paradoxes. The novel explores a Neovictorian universe and will appeal to fans of Gail Carriger’sParasol Protectorate series.
With my crazy comments:
Twenty-year-old Aidelle had everything she’d desired: new home, new brothers-in-law, and an old passion for Phillip.(I like the voice at the end of this sentence. It has a nice simplicity but stands out. At least when someone is reading it slowly and analyzing every word.) Then she broke time. (Not sure this hook is as strong as it could be, just because it lacks specific details. It does have the plus of being straightforward, concise, and direct.)
Just as they’ve unpacked in their new house(Does it matter where she is when it all happens?), Phillip reconsiders their engagement contract. Apparently, she’s not ‘high society’ enough for his upper-class parents. As he slams the door on their relationship(Understood), Aidelle does what any love-scorned woman would do: she chucks the mantelpiece clock at him(Ha! Nice one! But seems like this could be shortened and tightened to allow room for other information. While Aidelle is unpacking in the new house, Phillip announces she's not 'high society' enough for his upper-crust family, engagement reluctantly cancelled. Aidelle does what any love-scorned woman would do--chucks the mantelpiece clock as he slams the door.) . Now, thanks to that broken timepiece, Aidelle’s sealed in a frozen version of their house in-between realities(Not sure what this means. Time doesn't move?). She can’t escape to(to clarify) And here's where you could add a little wordage to give us a better idea of what's happening. This is the meat of the story, but it feels a little glossed over. She can't eat, can't affect things around her, can't escape to search for .... search for the man she still loves, but maybe patching up the clock will patch up the past. Right? But time, with all its bumps and eddies, doesn’t play fair. (Not so sure of the question. Could be dangerous in a query. Better safe than sorry. Sadly, time, with all its bumps and eddies, doesn't play fair.)
When Aidelle catches a glimpse of Phillip through a temporal fissure(How does she know this phrase? She's a Victorian lady, not a scientist in our era. through an unnatural fissure in the air? Maybe it's part of the Neovictorian aspect you mention below, so ignore.) – another reality growing in her sitting room, of all things – she realises (English spelling.) he’s tearing apart every reality to find her.(Then why did he break off their marriage? Maybe it's just guilt, instead of love. I added 'reluctantly' above to explain.) As the fissure closes, Aidelle is more alone than ever. If she doesn’t find a way to rewind time – and, in the process, win back the man she adores – every fissure in time will seal(How does she know this? What sign does she have this is happening? I'm guessing trying to break through will erase her and the space around her is shrinking. As the fissure closes and her space shrinks? the time bubble grows unstable?... Also it seems like her success depends on getting back her love. Not sure if that is strictly true. I guess what's bugging me is the last sentence is not straightforward. If she doesn't find a way to rewind time, every fissure in time will seal, erasing her love and life whether in future, present or past.), erasing from existence their future, present and past.(I do like how you ended with a reference to time.)
WHEN THE CLOCK BROKE is an NA Fantasy Romance complete at 80,000 words about love, loss(Not a fan of the Oxford comma, I see.) and temporal paradoxes. The novel explores a Neovictorian universe and will appeal to fans of Gail Carriger’s Parasol Protectorate series. (Hello! I remember this pitch from PitchSlam. It was among my maybes, but someone else snatched it up. Good one!)
Strong query with a nice bit of voice to characterize the main character. The love situation is very clear in this query. That's why you might consider cutting a little wordage from it to spend more on clarifying the time issue. Good luck!
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