Following the script
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I don’t normally comment on the news (I don’t often read the news), but I can’t stop thinking about the sad, sad story of Peaches Geldof that is everywhere at the moment.
Her family must be struggling right now, to survive, to understand, to heal and most of all to avoid the same kind of fate.
In therapy terms we often say anyone who is reliving a similar pattern to their parents is following a script. We see it time and time again; a parent or family member struggled with a problem, with a lifestyle, with anything and the child lives it over and over again, drawn by a black hole kind of attraction to that sucking annihilation, drawn by a desperation, a fascination and the gravity of something that scarred and changed their life.
If we are lucky we can break the patterns of our family, we can change history and move on - for a moment it looked like Peaches had too.
But this kind of following, then rejecting a script happens in so many ways in our lives. How many people have said “I’m turning into my mother.” How many have been hurt by another saying it; “You’re just like your mother.” It’s not always a mother, it can be a father, or any other powerful influence, but there’s something about that mother daughter relationship that seems to add more weight than anything.
Teenage rebellion can be the healthiest break from the script; not just the stereotypical staying out late and dressing differently (sadly often you’re just repeating your own mother’s rebellion) but also the Saffie type rebellion in “Absolutely Fabulous” - her mother is a wild child, she’s the prim and proper good girl. It stands to reason, if I avoid the obvious mistakes of my mother I won’t end up like her.
Ultimately I believe it’s by challenging and changing and breaking from our mother’s patterns that we can finally turn around and appreciate all the wonderful things about them and realise some of those patterns are really pretty great.
However it’s hard to rebel when your mother is dead, dying or coping with impossible situations just when you want to become your own person.
I did my teenage rebellion many years late - in my thirties, there was a time when I couldn’t look at my mother. Until I did a sharp U-turn and in the moment I forgave her for all the ways she “ruined my life” (like every other teenager) I came to love and respect her so much for all the ways she has surmounted the issues in her life. Talking about some of those things even allowed us to talk about the things I never resented her for, but which she felt she owed me an apology for. It’s good to talk, when it’s so clean and fresh.
I realise now though, that as much as we rebel at certain times to the big strokes of our parents’ lives, the desire to emulate them, follow their script is ever present. In our teens it is so much easier to rebel against who our parents may have been in their teens, thirties and forties, but as we get older that age difference matters less and less, till somehow we wake up another decade older with those habits and ideas and ways of dressing somehow having crept into our lives while we were sleeping.
In some ways my mother and I are completely different, our life stories and styles polar opposites, yet there are some major aspects of our lives that echo darkly, when I look at them I wonder if I somehow intended it that way, or is it just like lightning - it had to strike somewhere?
Another aspect of the Peaches’ story is the fact she was being held up as a motherhood guru. It speaks volumes about our society that anyone well known is seen as a reputable source, just open any magazine or paper and you’ll see comments, advice and tips from famous people. Make up and diet tips from supermodels who were born more beautiful, healthy and tall than 98% of the population will tell you what foundation primer to wear (yeah, that’ll get you on the catwalk). Actresses who have a BMI way below the healthy level will tell you what restaurants to visit. And everyone will tell you where to shop and how to put the latest look together - then you look twice and realise that you would never ever walk down the street like that. And parenting tips, and relationship tips, and holiday tips all from people who may have an army of nannies, be on their third marriage and have a black American Express card. Get real.
Even friends who may seem to have the ideal life, when you get down deep and talk to them you may find the reality is very different - do you really want to follow their lead?
At my book launch there were a few guests who came who also wanted advice, on being a Zumba Instructor, on launching a business. I think some thought that because I had a book launch party I was a successful author and could tell them how to do it. I am successful because I do it, I can definitely give advice on getting started and keeping going, but if you want advice on how to have some kind of rockstar success and make millions you’re probably asking the wrong person. Maybe pick up one of the hundreds of books that tell you how to make a million overnight (I do, but so far I’m still waiting for the big fat royalty check).
The people whose advice I take are usually the most honest, the ones who talk about the mistakes they’ve made, who tell me that what I am trying to do is harder than what they actually do, who can laugh about their mistakes and failures and who, by telling me how things honestly sit with them, remind me that I am not doing such a bad job myself - that my work life balance may suck, but theirs is pretty poor too, that emotional closeness may be hard to find but they’re a Buddhist monk so their life is easier, that they may be doing well in one area of their life but another needs work. To not be so hard on myself or push myself too hard.
Wow, and in saying that I realise that they all sound like my mother - not the pushy parent, but the loving, nurturing “if you don’t feel well stay in bed” parent I was blessed to grow up with.
When I look around at all the advice and all the “gurus” there’s a reason I find myself following my mother’s patterns, because there is so much good in what my mother taught me and continues to teach me.
“You can do anything you set your mind to.” You may not be rich or famous but you can do it.
On travelling “Be careful.” I use proper Government sources and double doses of instinct to stay out of travel - and don’t drink!
“Relax” - but of course I say it back to her to little use. She struggles with putting herself first and taking time out from all the things she does, so do I, but by working on spa guides I hope to help her and lots of other people to be a little kinder to themselves.
Looking around there are a lot worse role models than my mother and my grandmother too, so perhaps that’s why, as well as that inevitable pull, I find myself slipping into her habits.
It drives me crazy how much time and attention she puts on what she and my brother are having for dinner, but she has done wonders for both of their health with her creative culinary skills (I am always telling her she should write a book) and top of my list for improving my life right now “shop and eat better”.
She spends a lot of time on her home and garden - top of my list “have a day sorting out my house”.
One of the most important things she also taught me was to think for myself in terms of religion and spirituality, and to remember that it’s not the religion we profess that is important, it’s how we act and live our beliefs, with consideration for all.
When I look deeply, affectionately at my relationship with my mother I see two beautiful, spiritual women who are both trying to live really good lives, and who, most of the time, have a positive influence on each other. In short, I am truly blessed and, if I keep working, as they say in all good parenting books, to focus on the good and let go of the bad, I am looking forward to growing old disgracefully with her.
When I realise how much she has given and continues to give me, my heart goes out even more to Peaches Geldof. To break some patterns when you have a living, breathing person to work with and against is so much easier than trying to resolve the cold and final script of a dead parent.
I mean no disrespect to the Geldof family when I say that of all the gifts that my mother has given me perhaps the greatest was to protect me from other strong family influences in my life. At a time when divorce was uncommon, stigmatised and difficult she had the courage to do what was right rather than what was safe, popular or easy. Whatever other familial scripts may echo in my life I think it’s the courage to stick up for myself and others that overrides other negative waves.
I know that thanks to her I have had it so much easier than many others who struggle to deal with their parents’ mistakes and try like hell not to repeat them.
x P
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I don’t normally comment on the news (I don’t often read the news), but I can’t stop thinking about the sad, sad story of Peaches Geldof that is everywhere at the moment.
Her family must be struggling right now, to survive, to understand, to heal and most of all to avoid the same kind of fate.
In therapy terms we often say anyone who is reliving a similar pattern to their parents is following a script. We see it time and time again; a parent or family member struggled with a problem, with a lifestyle, with anything and the child lives it over and over again, drawn by a black hole kind of attraction to that sucking annihilation, drawn by a desperation, a fascination and the gravity of something that scarred and changed their life.
If we are lucky we can break the patterns of our family, we can change history and move on - for a moment it looked like Peaches had too.
But this kind of following, then rejecting a script happens in so many ways in our lives. How many people have said “I’m turning into my mother.” How many have been hurt by another saying it; “You’re just like your mother.” It’s not always a mother, it can be a father, or any other powerful influence, but there’s something about that mother daughter relationship that seems to add more weight than anything.
Teenage rebellion can be the healthiest break from the script; not just the stereotypical staying out late and dressing differently (sadly often you’re just repeating your own mother’s rebellion) but also the Saffie type rebellion in “Absolutely Fabulous” - her mother is a wild child, she’s the prim and proper good girl. It stands to reason, if I avoid the obvious mistakes of my mother I won’t end up like her.
Ultimately I believe it’s by challenging and changing and breaking from our mother’s patterns that we can finally turn around and appreciate all the wonderful things about them and realise some of those patterns are really pretty great.
However it’s hard to rebel when your mother is dead, dying or coping with impossible situations just when you want to become your own person.
I did my teenage rebellion many years late - in my thirties, there was a time when I couldn’t look at my mother. Until I did a sharp U-turn and in the moment I forgave her for all the ways she “ruined my life” (like every other teenager) I came to love and respect her so much for all the ways she has surmounted the issues in her life. Talking about some of those things even allowed us to talk about the things I never resented her for, but which she felt she owed me an apology for. It’s good to talk, when it’s so clean and fresh.
I realise now though, that as much as we rebel at certain times to the big strokes of our parents’ lives, the desire to emulate them, follow their script is ever present. In our teens it is so much easier to rebel against who our parents may have been in their teens, thirties and forties, but as we get older that age difference matters less and less, till somehow we wake up another decade older with those habits and ideas and ways of dressing somehow having crept into our lives while we were sleeping.
In some ways my mother and I are completely different, our life stories and styles polar opposites, yet there are some major aspects of our lives that echo darkly, when I look at them I wonder if I somehow intended it that way, or is it just like lightning - it had to strike somewhere?
Another aspect of the Peaches’ story is the fact she was being held up as a motherhood guru. It speaks volumes about our society that anyone well known is seen as a reputable source, just open any magazine or paper and you’ll see comments, advice and tips from famous people. Make up and diet tips from supermodels who were born more beautiful, healthy and tall than 98% of the population will tell you what foundation primer to wear (yeah, that’ll get you on the catwalk). Actresses who have a BMI way below the healthy level will tell you what restaurants to visit. And everyone will tell you where to shop and how to put the latest look together - then you look twice and realise that you would never ever walk down the street like that. And parenting tips, and relationship tips, and holiday tips all from people who may have an army of nannies, be on their third marriage and have a black American Express card. Get real.
Even friends who may seem to have the ideal life, when you get down deep and talk to them you may find the reality is very different - do you really want to follow their lead?
At my book launch there were a few guests who came who also wanted advice, on being a Zumba Instructor, on launching a business. I think some thought that because I had a book launch party I was a successful author and could tell them how to do it. I am successful because I do it, I can definitely give advice on getting started and keeping going, but if you want advice on how to have some kind of rockstar success and make millions you’re probably asking the wrong person. Maybe pick up one of the hundreds of books that tell you how to make a million overnight (I do, but so far I’m still waiting for the big fat royalty check).
The people whose advice I take are usually the most honest, the ones who talk about the mistakes they’ve made, who tell me that what I am trying to do is harder than what they actually do, who can laugh about their mistakes and failures and who, by telling me how things honestly sit with them, remind me that I am not doing such a bad job myself - that my work life balance may suck, but theirs is pretty poor too, that emotional closeness may be hard to find but they’re a Buddhist monk so their life is easier, that they may be doing well in one area of their life but another needs work. To not be so hard on myself or push myself too hard.
Wow, and in saying that I realise that they all sound like my mother - not the pushy parent, but the loving, nurturing “if you don’t feel well stay in bed” parent I was blessed to grow up with.
When I look around at all the advice and all the “gurus” there’s a reason I find myself following my mother’s patterns, because there is so much good in what my mother taught me and continues to teach me.
“You can do anything you set your mind to.” You may not be rich or famous but you can do it.
On travelling “Be careful.” I use proper Government sources and double doses of instinct to stay out of travel - and don’t drink!
“Relax” - but of course I say it back to her to little use. She struggles with putting herself first and taking time out from all the things she does, so do I, but by working on spa guides I hope to help her and lots of other people to be a little kinder to themselves.
Looking around there are a lot worse role models than my mother and my grandmother too, so perhaps that’s why, as well as that inevitable pull, I find myself slipping into her habits.
It drives me crazy how much time and attention she puts on what she and my brother are having for dinner, but she has done wonders for both of their health with her creative culinary skills (I am always telling her she should write a book) and top of my list for improving my life right now “shop and eat better”.
She spends a lot of time on her home and garden - top of my list “have a day sorting out my house”.
One of the most important things she also taught me was to think for myself in terms of religion and spirituality, and to remember that it’s not the religion we profess that is important, it’s how we act and live our beliefs, with consideration for all.
When I look deeply, affectionately at my relationship with my mother I see two beautiful, spiritual women who are both trying to live really good lives, and who, most of the time, have a positive influence on each other. In short, I am truly blessed and, if I keep working, as they say in all good parenting books, to focus on the good and let go of the bad, I am looking forward to growing old disgracefully with her.
When I realise how much she has given and continues to give me, my heart goes out even more to Peaches Geldof. To break some patterns when you have a living, breathing person to work with and against is so much easier than trying to resolve the cold and final script of a dead parent.
I mean no disrespect to the Geldof family when I say that of all the gifts that my mother has given me perhaps the greatest was to protect me from other strong family influences in my life. At a time when divorce was uncommon, stigmatised and difficult she had the courage to do what was right rather than what was safe, popular or easy. Whatever other familial scripts may echo in my life I think it’s the courage to stick up for myself and others that overrides other negative waves.
I know that thanks to her I have had it so much easier than many others who struggle to deal with their parents’ mistakes and try like hell not to repeat them.
x P
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