PTSD: NO MORE WAR INSIDE MY MIND

I felt unhappy for the first forty-five years of my life. As most of us do in life, I was put on a happy mask, especially for my Stewardess/Flight Attendant career.  Smiling on the outside was easy because I loved what I was doing. But I, or people around me, had no idea that my thinking made my cry inside.  I was unaware of my insecurity and my chronic low grade depression. On hindsight, I carried a burden fear and conflicting thoughts inside of me.  In my emotional inner war I had conflicts of being with people but still feeling alone, having no sense of belonging.  Partying and drinking to medicate the pain were temporary fixes.  The war-like conditions which plagued me spilled over into every aspect of my life, especially in relationships. Can you or someone you love relate to the conflict of smiling on the outside and hurting on the inside?  Did you know that negative thoughts invade our territory of peace? Mental and emotional chaos cause deep hurts and the wounds keep festering, getting worse every day.  Sound familiar? Suffering is no way to live!  Please keep on reading. Boozing loosened up my penned up anger and decreased my chances of having healthy long term relationships.  My first marriage lasted barely two years and other relationship usually ended after a year. I was always the one who wanted out.  Other times I'd explode at my closest girlfriends, including my easy-going kindhearted roommate, Lucretia.  I always had regrets but what was I to do? In the summer of 1985 yet another relationship, one which I'd stuck out the longest, close to five years, was coming to an end.  I hadn't considered Dale marriage material from the very beginning.  Still, the pain of separating hit me hard and I started to feel like a failure once again.  Rescue was on the way. While struggling with decision making, the God of my understanding sent two earth angels to guide me.  One lady introduced me to a devotional booklet, The Daily Work published by Unity Church of Kansas City, MO, which helped me renew and nurture my long neglected relationship with God.  The other recommended a powerful workshop to help me look at myself through eyes of others. There were processes which made me realize my role in all relationships and take responsibility for my actions. WOW, for the first time in my life I began to feel better about myself. Believing in the light at the end of the tunnel, I threw myself into seeking activities for the next five more years.  A foundation of inner strength was laid for me to handle the diagnosis of Childhood PTSD at age 50.  February 1991, I had turned Dr. Weiss who I'd met a year prior to this, at a Family Structure Weekend Workshop. On this first office visit, I'd finished telling him about horrific childhood flashbacks which I'd experienced during the last two weeks.  Now, sitting in a plush chair, I gazed across a big desk into his kind eyes and waited for his comments.  The doctor spoke softly.  "Bettina, you may think that you don't know why your life isn't working but I know the root cause of your unhappiness. Actually, you do too. It's growing up as a child in a bombed-out environment with a mother who lived in fear and who was abusive.  Other than that, you have no problems!"  I was stunned as he continued.  "You could keep suffering with the PTSD or you can finally face the pain of the old wounds and honor your little girl. Letting go will take time but eventually you'll create a space within which will be filled with peace of mind and a happier life."  He closed encouragingly, "It can be done."  "OK! Let's go for it."  I believed him.  That was a major turning point in my life.  The key to healing any obstacle in life, including PTSD, is being willing to look at it. Intense therapy gave me relief.  I felt so uplifted that I immediately wanted to share; to write about what worked for me.  It took me a while but I now I am ready to tell my story. The reason is to let you know that we have the power to make wiser choices, smile on the inside and outside the outside and live in harmony. That's what Set Your PTSD FREE is all about. It shows a clear path to a better life.