After The Madness Fades

Toronto Star reporter Amy Dempsey shares the poignant story of a man who killed his mother during a psychotic break, and must now come to terms with what he has done:

Michael understands what it means to be not criminally responsible, but that doesn’t stop him from feeling guilt. “Sometimes I feel like if I just would have done a few things differently then maybe I could have avoided things from happening.” He averts his eyes at the mention of “things” because he doesn’t like to talk about those things. He regrets resisting medication for all those years, fighting for off-grounds privileges when he was in hospital. “What I needed more was to just get treatment. And I didn’t realize that at the time. I didn’t accept it.”

His father and his doctors counter that Michael was too sick to understand he needed treatment, let alone grasp the consequences of refusing it, but even so, Michael still thinks about what might have been. He probably always will. He doesn’t speak at all about what happened to his mother in July 2002 and his treatment team feels it would be unwise to raise it with him. If he must refer to the incident in conversation, Michael uses the review board term, “the index offense.” Even fond memories of his mother are difficult for him. He grows quiet or changes the subject when painful topics come up.

Michael accepts the realities of his life today but tries to remain optimistic about his future. He downplays the promise he showed as a young man, perhaps because the comparison between the Michael he is and the Michael he was is too painful to think about. He knows he won’t go to university, but he thinks he might try to get a job soon, possibly at the local cinema. “I still think that I can salvage something,” he says hopefully.