The Captain's Blog: Nostalgia isn't what it used to be...

It occurred to me the other day that I have crossed a line and that I am now old. “How old?” I hear you shouting at the computer screen. Well I’m on the way to forty three this year. “Jeez, that’s ancient!” shout the writhing teenage masses, huddled around their iPhones for warmth. “I’d kill to be that age again!” grumble the over sixties as they stir their tea and wonder if they still have any haemorrhoid cream left in the bathroom cabinet.

…and that’s just the point isn’t it. Age is relative. You are as old as you feel. I’ll stop before I throw out any more glib clichés and get on with the point of my story. I now feel old because of two main things. First my body is beginning to fall apart by degrees. I have aches and pains that won’t go away any more. Gone are the days when I can eat a spicy pizza after eight in the evening and that third glass of wine will come with a severe headache in the morning and an early alarm call from my full bladder. These are normal processes of getting old and not the big problem.

The main symptom of getting old is what happens inside your head. You start to look upon life with a dismissive and condescending sneer. Everything becomes a problem to solve rather than a challenge to overcome. Gone are the happy go lucky days of youth and yes, you start to reminisce. Nothing is as good as it used to be!

Nostalgia is a good thing in small doses, but recently I have become sharply and acutely aware of the sheer weight of time behind me and the dwindling days ahead. To illustrate I will partake in some nostalgic rambling for the next few paragraphs which will have some of you nodding sagely and saying “Yes, I remember that!” and the rest of you wrinkling your brow and asking, “Did they actually have electricity when you were born?’

I remember when there were no McDonalds or Subways in the high street at all…

(Waits for the clamour to die down.)

Yes, the high streets of the U.K. used to be thankfully free of fast food chains. Each city had a different feel to it. Each street was picked out by individual cafes that sold bacon buttys and independent record stores that sold vinyl before it became fashionable again the second time around.

There was no such thing as a mobile phone. The phone was screwed to the wall of the hallway at home and you were always within earshot of your parents.

Computers were virtually non-existent. My Dad bought one of the very first home computers, the Sinclair ZX-80. The limit of its programming prowess went something like this:

10 Print “Hello”
20 Goto (10)

Which got a result that looked something like this:

Hello
Hello
Hello
Hello
Hello
Hello
Hello
(Ad infinitum)

Social networking involved talking to a friend in the playground or writing a thank-you letter to your auntie for the one pound that she sent you for your birthday.

For a large part of my childhood there were only two television channels. Eventually we got channel 4 which seemed like heaven at the time.

If you wanted to find out how to get somewhere you had to look at a strange piece of paper called “a map” and then argue about it with your partner in the car.

No-one had even thought about Balsamic vinegar, deconstructed beef Wellington, pea shoots or Tapas.

Beer and petrol were both less than a quid.

CD was a term applied to certain back alley shops that sold magazines for gentlemen and there was no such thing as internet porn!

The natural outcome of nostalgia is to become horribly depressed at the fact that things aren’t what they used to be. When you discover that your favourite pop song isn’t just a cover, but a cover of a cover of a cover that some twelve year old has just re-issued, it is difficult not to feel cheated in some way.

I have a terribly Buddhist method of coping with this. It’s not the fact that things change that is the real problem. Everything changes all the time. It’s your own personal unwillingness to accept this change that causes stress. If you accept that things will change and even welcome the change with open arms, you will find that you begin to worry a lot less about “modern life”. I’m not saying that I manage to do this all the time myself, but it’s always at the back of my mind.

So when you’re staring at a smart phone screen and trying to work out how to dial a number or watching the blue screen of death on your PC, be thankful that you have these things. They improve the quality of your life and the future is bright.

Once the environmentally friendly, long-life bulb warms up that is…

Goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye………