The Fiver | Screaming in the style popularised by Klaus Kinski | Scott Murray

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It's been a whole day since Manchester United became the first professional football club in All History to sack its manager. The United Nations have dispatched crack engineering taskforces to all four corners of the world, with a brief to get the planet winched back up onto its normal axis within 24 hours, and further plans are afoot to get the globe spinning again by the end of the week, end of the month at the very latest. No progress has been made as the Fiver goes to press but neither is there any major panic yet, as the contingency plans look pretty good too, if there's anything in these reports about Louis van Gaal taking over at Old Trafford and appointing Roy Keane as his second in command. That would kickstart the spin again and then some, in doublequick time to boot.

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