Spring Query Extravaganza #5
It's here!! I'll be doing a limited number of query critiques in the next few weeks to celebrate spring. Right now I have no spots open. Keep watching and it's likely I'll reopen near the end of the month.
Participants must comment on other Spring Query entries to pay it forward. If I notice someone not leaving comments, their query will get skipped.
Now to the fine print:
All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees. Plus, you know, I'm leaving pink comments in celebration of spring so you have to be able to tolerate pink.
As sent to me:
Dear Agent:
Years of living in the sewers beneath Elite City have hardened seventeen-year-old Sylvia to all manner of creepy-crawlies. She never really got used to the giant, flesh-eating bugs, though.
The sewers are the only place safe from the Cull, nocturnal bugs that wander the overgrown city streets above. During the day Syl scavenges for food among the abandoned skyscrapers, but at night the Cull come out looking for a meal of their own. She thought gene splicing died with the war a century ago, disappeared with the scientists and their rusted machinery. She thought the bugs could be exterminated, the city rebuilt and the population replenished. She was wrong.
Whoever engineered the Cull isn't done playing God. Syl is abducted and tortured in horrific experiments that result in her DNA being spliced, slowly turning her into one of the bugs. Now she must find a cure and stop the person who violated her body before every remaining man, woman, and child is transformed into the abomination they fear.
SPLICED is a 65,000 word YA science fiction novel. It is a standalone with series potential.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
With my crazy comments:
Dear Agent: Just right! :-) Starting off easy.
Years of living in the sewers beneath Elite City have hardened seventeen-year-old Sylvia to all manner of creepy-crawlies. Interesting. Immediately I'm wondering why she lives there. But that's a good kind of question. It's curiosity. She never really got used to the giant, flesh-eating bugs, though. Was hoping for something with a little more punch. This is subjective, but I've never been a big fan of tacking on 'though.' And I'd define 'giant' with something comparable. Tank-sized, flesh-eating bugs hunting her day and night--not so much.
The sewers are the only place safe from the Cull, nocturnal bugs that wander the overgrown and abandoned city streets above. Ah. So that's why. I'd probably get in that the city is abandoned earlier. During the day Syl scavenges for food among the abandoned (empty, derelict, unsafe) skyscrapers, but at night the Cull come out looking for a meal of their own. SheSyl thought gene splicing died with the war a century ago, disappeared with the scientists and their rusted machinery. She thought(This seems more of a hope.) the bugs could be exterminated, the city rebuilt and the population replenished. She was wrong.(Consider cutting this last sentence and letting us form our own conclusions. I know you're going for voice, however this is a bad form of telling. Just add 'But' down below.
Or another possibility would be to say something like nobody is stepping up to take on that task. That would allow you to get in more world building to detail what their technology is like now.)
Whoever engineered the Cull isn't done playing God. Syl is abducted and tortured in horrific experiments that result in her DNA being spliced, slowly turning her into one of the bugs.(And you hit us with a twist! Increasing the stakes.) Now she must find a cure and stop the person who violated her body before every remaining man, woman, and child is transformed into the abomination they fear. (A picky point but 'they fear' could be interpreted as head jumping. I'd consider 'man, woman, and child is transformed into fearsome abominations.' You got an intense set of stakes defined.)
SPLICED is a 65,000 word YA science fiction novel(It has the hallmarks of a dystopian. Heavy sigh because dystopian is such a hard sell nowadays.). It is a standalone with series potential. (Maybe a short sentence about yourself.)
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely, (Same with this closing as the other critiques. It's not really needed if you have the thanks above. Your call.)
This query sets out the plot and stakes quite clearly. The sentences connect really well, flowing from one to the next in a neat progression. The 3rd paragraph rackets up the tension. There's not a whole lot of Syl's personality being displayed here, so be sure it's in the opening pages. A strong query. Most of my comments are subjective and should be taken as such.
Participants must comment on other Spring Query entries to pay it forward. If I notice someone not leaving comments, their query will get skipped.
Now to the fine print:
All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees. Plus, you know, I'm leaving pink comments in celebration of spring so you have to be able to tolerate pink.
As sent to me:
Dear Agent:
Years of living in the sewers beneath Elite City have hardened seventeen-year-old Sylvia to all manner of creepy-crawlies. She never really got used to the giant, flesh-eating bugs, though.
The sewers are the only place safe from the Cull, nocturnal bugs that wander the overgrown city streets above. During the day Syl scavenges for food among the abandoned skyscrapers, but at night the Cull come out looking for a meal of their own. She thought gene splicing died with the war a century ago, disappeared with the scientists and their rusted machinery. She thought the bugs could be exterminated, the city rebuilt and the population replenished. She was wrong.
Whoever engineered the Cull isn't done playing God. Syl is abducted and tortured in horrific experiments that result in her DNA being spliced, slowly turning her into one of the bugs. Now she must find a cure and stop the person who violated her body before every remaining man, woman, and child is transformed into the abomination they fear.
SPLICED is a 65,000 word YA science fiction novel. It is a standalone with series potential.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
With my crazy comments:
Dear Agent: Just right! :-) Starting off easy.
Years of living in the sewers beneath Elite City have hardened seventeen-year-old Sylvia to all manner of creepy-crawlies. Interesting. Immediately I'm wondering why she lives there. But that's a good kind of question. It's curiosity. She never really got used to the giant, flesh-eating bugs, though. Was hoping for something with a little more punch. This is subjective, but I've never been a big fan of tacking on 'though.' And I'd define 'giant' with something comparable. Tank-sized, flesh-eating bugs hunting her day and night--not so much.
The sewers are the only place safe from the Cull, nocturnal bugs that wander the overgrown and abandoned city streets above. Ah. So that's why. I'd probably get in that the city is abandoned earlier. During the day Syl scavenges for food among the abandoned (empty, derelict, unsafe) skyscrapers, but at night the Cull come out looking for a meal of their own. SheSyl thought gene splicing died with the war a century ago, disappeared with the scientists and their rusted machinery. She thought(This seems more of a hope.) the bugs could be exterminated, the city rebuilt and the population replenished. She was wrong.(Consider cutting this last sentence and letting us form our own conclusions. I know you're going for voice, however this is a bad form of telling. Just add 'But' down below.
Or another possibility would be to say something like nobody is stepping up to take on that task. That would allow you to get in more world building to detail what their technology is like now.)
Whoever engineered the Cull isn't done playing God. Syl is abducted and tortured in horrific experiments that result in her DNA being spliced, slowly turning her into one of the bugs.(And you hit us with a twist! Increasing the stakes.) Now she must find a cure and stop the person who violated her body before every remaining man, woman, and child is transformed into the abomination they fear. (A picky point but 'they fear' could be interpreted as head jumping. I'd consider 'man, woman, and child is transformed into fearsome abominations.' You got an intense set of stakes defined.)
SPLICED is a 65,000 word YA science fiction novel(It has the hallmarks of a dystopian. Heavy sigh because dystopian is such a hard sell nowadays.). It is a standalone with series potential. (Maybe a short sentence about yourself.)
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely, (Same with this closing as the other critiques. It's not really needed if you have the thanks above. Your call.)
This query sets out the plot and stakes quite clearly. The sentences connect really well, flowing from one to the next in a neat progression. The 3rd paragraph rackets up the tension. There's not a whole lot of Syl's personality being displayed here, so be sure it's in the opening pages. A strong query. Most of my comments are subjective and should be taken as such.
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