Spring Query Extravaganza #4
It's here!! I'll be doing a limited number of query critiques in the next few weeks to celebrate spring. Right now I have no spots open. Keep watching and it's likely I'll reopen near the end of the month.
Participants must comment on other Spring Query entries to pay it forward.
Now to the fine print:
All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees. Plus, you know, I'm leaving pink comments in celebration of spring so you have to be able to tolerate pink.
As sent to me:
Dear [agent name],
My YA fantasy novel, Dragonflame, is complete at 113,000 words. I am querying you because […].
As dragons invade her homelands, young mage Naya seeks an exiled dragon to stand with her against his own kind.
15-year-old Naya has just escaped from her homeland where the king persecutes girls with magic and sends them to prison. So when her rescuer, venerable mage Mariyana, learns the king plans an invasion, Naya is eager to join the adult mages in the defence of her new home.
As the enemy turns out to include a host of dragons set on revenge, the mages scramble to find a way to stop them, for they lost the ability to kill dragons many generations ago.
Following hints from reckless young mage Evulon, Naya discovers an exiled dragon could help them win over the powerful mages of Numara island, only to find he will not join a lost cause.
Yet when Naya suddenly holds his life flame in her hands, she has to decide how to use this dragon’s power.
DRAGONFLAME is a standalone novel with a potential for sequels following Naya’s and Evulon’s adventures in the Western Lands and beyond.
I am a trilingual management assistant and translator living in Paris. I am a member of the SCBWI and have attended several writers’ conferences and workshops. Dragonflame is my first full-length novel.
Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
With my crazy comments:
Dear [agent name],
My YA fantasy novel, Dragonflame, is complete at 113,000 words. I am querying you because […]. This is a big word count for YA. We don't want to scare anyone off. I'd probably save this information until the end. Try to let your query hook agents first.
Edit: So the author has contacted me to say the 113K is an old word count. It should ready 97K. A much more acceptable number. Time to update that query file. Make sure that doesn't accidentally get sent to agents.
As dragons invade her homelands, young mage Naya seeks an exiled dragon to stand with her against his own kind. (This is a stronger hook than last time I saw this.)
15-year-old Naya has just escaped is saved from her homeland where the king persecutes girls with magic and sends them to prison.(Maybe a little smoother to use: where girls with magic are persecuted and sent to prison.) So when her rescuer(Confusion. I thought she'd escaped by herself. This makes me think twice about Naya as an active MC.), venerable mage Mariyana, learns the king plans an invasion, Naya is eager to join the radult mages in the defence of her new home. (Try leading with Naya and keeping her the key role here. Don't let another character take center stage. Naya is eager to join her rescuers, including the venerable mage Mariyana, stop the king's planned invasion. If Mariyana is not mentioned again I'd delete her. Maybe go with ,including venerable mages,)
As the enemy(This confuses me again. They are Naya's enemy, that means they are working with the king? Try: One of the king's allies) turns out to include a host of dragons set on revenge, the mages scramble to find a way to stop them, for they lost the ability to kill dragons many generations ago.
Following hints from reckless young mage Evulon(I doubt we need this information about Evulon.), Naya discovers an exiled dragon could help them win over the powerful mages of Numara island(We don't know where this is or who these mages are. You're getting into a name lalapalooza. Don't let that happen. Stick to the basics. One or two characters with names. If you're going to name someone else, I'd go with the dragon. Every detail of how the story enfolds does not have to be included. Sometimes writers are too close to see what to leave out.), only to find he will not join a lost cause.
Yet when Naya suddenly holds his life flame in her hands, she has to decide how to use this dragon’s power. Right now the sinker line isn't setting up a choice or moral decision. We also don't see do this or this bad thing will happen. Keep the focus on her and the dragon. The rebels give Naya the task of recruiting a dragon to switch sides, but how? Their honor prevents it. When Naya suddenly holds the exiled dragon Firebreath's life flame in her hands, she has to decide whether to keep the dragon's power for herself or respect him as an individual and allow him to choose. OR STRONGER she has to decide whether to keep the dragon's power for herself or let him free and allow the king to win and keep girls imprisoned forever.
DRAGONFLAME is a standalone novel with a potential for sequels following Naya’s and Evulon’s adventures in the Western Lands and beyond. I'd leave Evulon out of it or make him important from the first paragraph. Replace him where Mariyana is now if you want to keep him and include why he is important.
I am a trilingual management assistant and translator living in Paris. I am a member of the SCBWI and have attended several writers’ conferences and workshops. Dragonflame is my first full-length novel. (Good.)
Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely, (Same here as with the other writer and the closing. You don't really need 'sincerely' with the thanks already there.)
I feel this query veers offtrack in a few places with a character soup and unimportant details. Sure world building is great but keep the focus tighter on Naya and what she needs to do. Beef up your stakes. There's nothing in here about what bad things will happen if the king succeeds. How will the king's winning hurt Naya? Show us what she struggles against. We saw a little of this with girls being confined. Is she fighting to help free girls? Maybe bring that back around to the ending line.
Participants must comment on other Spring Query entries to pay it forward.
Now to the fine print:
All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees. Plus, you know, I'm leaving pink comments in celebration of spring so you have to be able to tolerate pink.
As sent to me:
Dear [agent name],
My YA fantasy novel, Dragonflame, is complete at 113,000 words. I am querying you because […].
As dragons invade her homelands, young mage Naya seeks an exiled dragon to stand with her against his own kind.
15-year-old Naya has just escaped from her homeland where the king persecutes girls with magic and sends them to prison. So when her rescuer, venerable mage Mariyana, learns the king plans an invasion, Naya is eager to join the adult mages in the defence of her new home.
As the enemy turns out to include a host of dragons set on revenge, the mages scramble to find a way to stop them, for they lost the ability to kill dragons many generations ago.
Following hints from reckless young mage Evulon, Naya discovers an exiled dragon could help them win over the powerful mages of Numara island, only to find he will not join a lost cause.
Yet when Naya suddenly holds his life flame in her hands, she has to decide how to use this dragon’s power.
DRAGONFLAME is a standalone novel with a potential for sequels following Naya’s and Evulon’s adventures in the Western Lands and beyond.
I am a trilingual management assistant and translator living in Paris. I am a member of the SCBWI and have attended several writers’ conferences and workshops. Dragonflame is my first full-length novel.
Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
With my crazy comments:
Dear [agent name],
My YA fantasy novel, Dragonflame, is complete at 113,000 words. I am querying you because […]. This is a big word count for YA. We don't want to scare anyone off. I'd probably save this information until the end. Try to let your query hook agents first.
Edit: So the author has contacted me to say the 113K is an old word count. It should ready 97K. A much more acceptable number. Time to update that query file. Make sure that doesn't accidentally get sent to agents.
As dragons invade her homelands, young mage Naya seeks an exiled dragon to stand with her against his own kind. (This is a stronger hook than last time I saw this.)
15-year-old Naya has just escaped is saved from her homeland where the king persecutes girls with magic and sends them to prison.(Maybe a little smoother to use: where girls with magic are persecuted and sent to prison.) So when her rescuer(Confusion. I thought she'd escaped by herself. This makes me think twice about Naya as an active MC.), venerable mage Mariyana, learns the king plans an invasion, Naya is eager to join the radult mages in the defence of her new home. (Try leading with Naya and keeping her the key role here. Don't let another character take center stage. Naya is eager to join her rescuers, including the venerable mage Mariyana, stop the king's planned invasion. If Mariyana is not mentioned again I'd delete her. Maybe go with ,including venerable mages,)
As the enemy(This confuses me again. They are Naya's enemy, that means they are working with the king? Try: One of the king's allies) turns out to include a host of dragons set on revenge, the mages scramble to find a way to stop them, for they lost the ability to kill dragons many generations ago.
Following hints from reckless young mage Evulon(I doubt we need this information about Evulon.), Naya discovers an exiled dragon could help them win over the powerful mages of Numara island(We don't know where this is or who these mages are. You're getting into a name lalapalooza. Don't let that happen. Stick to the basics. One or two characters with names. If you're going to name someone else, I'd go with the dragon. Every detail of how the story enfolds does not have to be included. Sometimes writers are too close to see what to leave out.), only to find he will not join a lost cause.
Yet when Naya suddenly holds his life flame in her hands, she has to decide how to use this dragon’s power. Right now the sinker line isn't setting up a choice or moral decision. We also don't see do this or this bad thing will happen. Keep the focus on her and the dragon. The rebels give Naya the task of recruiting a dragon to switch sides, but how? Their honor prevents it. When Naya suddenly holds the exiled dragon Firebreath's life flame in her hands, she has to decide whether to keep the dragon's power for herself or respect him as an individual and allow him to choose. OR STRONGER she has to decide whether to keep the dragon's power for herself or let him free and allow the king to win and keep girls imprisoned forever.
DRAGONFLAME is a standalone novel with a potential for sequels following Naya’s and Evulon’s adventures in the Western Lands and beyond. I'd leave Evulon out of it or make him important from the first paragraph. Replace him where Mariyana is now if you want to keep him and include why he is important.
I am a trilingual management assistant and translator living in Paris. I am a member of the SCBWI and have attended several writers’ conferences and workshops. Dragonflame is my first full-length novel. (Good.)
Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely, (Same here as with the other writer and the closing. You don't really need 'sincerely' with the thanks already there.)
I feel this query veers offtrack in a few places with a character soup and unimportant details. Sure world building is great but keep the focus tighter on Naya and what she needs to do. Beef up your stakes. There's nothing in here about what bad things will happen if the king succeeds. How will the king's winning hurt Naya? Show us what she struggles against. We saw a little of this with girls being confined. Is she fighting to help free girls? Maybe bring that back around to the ending line.
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